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Your Call: My Husband Wants Gay Sex

Fri, May 20, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

My husband of 26 years recently confided to me that he had advertised in Craigs List to service guys and got 3 responses, one of which ended in reality. He told me he enjoyed it and would do it again. He doesn’t want us to be separated, he encouraged me to seek other men who can sexually fulfill me. His ultimate sexual desire is to have an anal sex. He told me that this is just sex, and nothing else. Should I put up with this? He is overall a decent person who generally supports and adores me. We have two grown kids. He is 71 years old and I am 49.

– Sharing Hubby with Craig

What should S.H.W.C. do?

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9 Responses to “Your Call: My Husband Wants Gay Sex”

  1. Kate Says:

    If you are comfortable with it, maybe you could try putting on a strap on and see if that pleases him? I know that sounds weird and I know that wouldn’t get you off, but does he have sex with you at all anymore? If he doesn’t and you think you’d be happier without him then it might be better to find someone who could sexually fulfill you. If that means staying in your marriage or not that is up to you. Good luck, this seems like a sticky situation.

    And Em and Lo… what happened to you guys answering questions? It seems like these days all you post are “Your Calls.” It’s rather disappointing.

  2. anon Says:

    So I feel like there are two separate questions here:

    1. Your husband cheated on you. Can you ever completely forgive him?

    2. Do you want an open relationship?

    Instead of answering your two questions, I’m going to ask you a different one:

    3. If he proposed to you today, given all your history, would you say yes – you want to spend *the rest* of your life with him.

    If yes, I think you can make this work. You don’t sound furious or scared that he slept with another man and I think you’d find open relationships are not that scary provided you both are completely honest with each other and set honest boundaries.

    If no, cut your losses and move on. Life’s too short for decent, not awful but not wonderful relationships.

    I’m going to harp on your phrasing for a minute: “Should I put up with this?” No. Your sex life is never something you should “put up with”.

  3. john Says:

    Don’t panic yet. It sounds like you two have a great relationship but it may be time to explore new ground. Consider joining him. If it’s as he says, you might both find new paths to your friendship and sex. If it’s more than that, you will find out fast.

  4. Pigeon Says:

    I can’t help but feel like this one might be fake- no offense to the person who wrote it if they are genuine- it’s just the massive age gap and the way it’s written- the lack of feeling about the cheating, the wanting to stay together even though they don’t seem to want the same things etc

    and bit harsh Kate- there aren’t that many your calls

  5. Jay Jay Says:

    Am I the only one concerned about anonymous anal sex??? My first tip would be to find out whether or not your husband was practicing safe sex with this craiglister. Furthermore, as nothing is 100%, I would want to get myself tested as well as my husband. You never can be too careful, and never underestimate the power of peace of mind.

    Also, the secretive side of it makes me nervous. Why now? And if it is as innocent as he makes it sound, why not discuss with you before taking part?

    I feel as if the poster is not telling the whole story…she clearly has no problem with the infidelity (has this happened before?), but seems to be more focused on her possible limitations in the bedroom. Additionally, when her husband suggests she seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere, it seems to indicate that he and she aren’t intimate together anymore. Is he asking you to stay in the marriage or providing you with an “out”? It’s impossible to determine what you should do without knowing the full nature of the relationship, including feelings and overall dynamic.

  6. jd Says:

    First and foremost. Get yourself tested immediately and then again is 3 mos and 6 mos and in a year to make sure you are not at risk for a potentially life threatening STD. Insist that your spouse does like wise. Regardless as to what you choose after this your health is at risk because of this – so get tested no matter what happens next.

    If you choose to be intimate w/ your spouse after this – insist he get tested on the same schedule and until and unless he comes back with a clean bill of health and even then given his duplicity and proclivities to engage in sex with others – a no glove no love policy should be enforced as a a non-negotiable.

    Fact is as has been stated – he deceived you, and put your health at risk!

  7. M Says:

    Personally, I would be very uncomfortable with this, but this is entirely up to you.

    I think the fact that you felt the need to seek approval regarding putting up with this shows that deep down you feel you shouldn’t, otherwise you’d have no doubts.
    As many have said, it’s less about the gay sex than it is about the trust and safety risk – after 26 years, he really didn’t feel he could confide in you, or respect you enough to keep you safe?

    It is entirely normal that over the course of nearly 30 years, and such a large age difference that you’ve grown apart and want different things. Since you’re kids are fully grown there is not really any obligation to stick around in a relationship where neither of you want the same things and – more importantly – you may not able to provide what each other wants even if you’re willing to compromise. I think you really need to evaluate YOUR feelings toward the situation, not ours. As you grow older, companionship is often more important than sex – is he someone you still want to grow old with, even if you’re not sleeping with eachother? Or at this point, would it be wise to look toward a more fulfilling relationship with someone you’re on the same page with? Either way, I wish you luck.

  8. cathy Says:

    Other than the age gap, I have been faced with the same. Sadly, I don’t think the lady is lying. My husband began pursuing different sex positions in our bedroom, things that seemed to be between men. I started to look at the Craigs List posts when he was out of town and found photos of him (chest down) taken in our bathroom. I am heartbroken, confused and frightened. Cheater? Liar? bisexual or gay? I find myself moving towards severing the marriage I think I deserve a less complicated life……

  9. Pam Says:

    As long as he wore protection I would be okay with it. Perhaps you can join him? Too many years together to throw it all away. Be leary of people on Craigslist looking for sex. Good luck!


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