photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
According to the stars, it’s all about experimentation this week. So show up in your lab coat with nothing underneath.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? Because this week, procrastination could mean missing the opportunity for one of the most amazing sexual encounters of your life. We thought that would get you up off your ass.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We don’t want to be an after school special or one of those old annoying “The More You Know” PSAs on NBC. But you’re giving us no choice: If someone really loves you, they won’t pressure you to do something you really don’t want to do. Stand your ground.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, the stars say, “The more you linger the more excited your partner will become.” If you think about it, that’s pretty dirty.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
No pressure, dude, but if you’re wishy-washy and indecisive for much longer, you’re going to be stuck with a brand new decision: Die alone, or die surrounded by your seven devoted cats. So strap one on and pick someone already.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The stars say your practical nature will lead you to prefer partners who can support you financially. Funny, we’d call that your shallow, leech-like nature. However, we and the stars do agree that showing your true nature to potential partners will be about as romantically effective as showing them your ringworm infection on the first date.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Take it nice and slow. Don’t get discouraged if someone you like isn’t responding the way you want. You are best to do your own thing and let this person observe you from a distance. Your good qualities will gradually shine through, like the sun after a light summer rain in one of those douche commercials.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your “energetic nature” — frequently dissed by those close to you as “spazziness” — will attract all the right people this week. So don’t tone it down, no matter how many dirty looks you get from strangers in public places. Will those strangers be taking you home to screw your brains out tonight? We didn’t think so.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Unfortunately, Sagittarius, we couldn’t make heads or tails of your horoscope this week. It just didn’t make any sense. So how about some handy advice instead? Think of this as a mission, should you choose to accept it: Go to a toy shop (the adult kind) and splurge on an item you’ve always wondered about but haven’t had the nerve buy. Then use it before you come back next week for your next horoscope. Now that makes sense.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your ability to be a creative lover will prompt all sorts of possibilities in the romance department. Think of all those orifices. Imagine the possibilities. The colon’s the limit!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Most people are lucky if they get one chance to fall in love in their lifetime. But you, Aquaman, will apparently have “lots” of opportunities to fall in love. What star did you blow to get such luck?

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It won’t take much for you to attract a perfect partner. That’s assuming your perfect partner is an annoying fuckwit who hasn’t been laid in two years and isn’t getting any younger. If you’re aiming a little higher than that, you might have to work a bit harder. You know, lay on some charm, try a little neuro-linguistic programming, etc.