aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There comes a time in everyone’s life when there’s only one place to turn for advice ‚ÄĒ a Bette Midler movie. Your time has come: Your life lessons for the week are to be found in¬†Beaches. (Oh, who are we kidding: When you’re looking for advice in a Bette Midler movie, it’s¬†Beaches or nothing. ) So anyway, there’s this three-hanky scene where Bette’s mom asks her, “Why’d you leave your husband?” and Bette replies, “Because he stopped paying attention to me.” And good old mom launches into this whole long speech about love and giving and sacrifice and compromise, and how, if you go through life expecting people to pay attention to your needs all the time, eventually you’ll just wear everyone out and die alone. So there you have it.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Do you ever feel like everyone’s getting laid except you? Yeah, well maybe that’s because everyone else is putting a little effort in. You can’t just sit at home and wait for booty to ring the doorbell. Unless you want to make it with a Jehovah’s Witness. And that’s just gross, man.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Be a go-getter. Don’t take no for an answer. Close the deal. Make the sale. Visualize success. Be in it for the long haul. Be the ball. Do everything those Motivational Posters tell you to do, except do it in the bedroom. Now who’s the boss of you, huh?
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Even if someone offered you a thousand bucks to put a cork in it this week, you’d be hard pressed to keep your mouth shut. It’s okay, everyone suffers the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea. Personally, it’d drive us nuts, but we don’t have to share a cubicle with you, and we certainly have no plans to swap spit with you. And lucky for you, there’s someone out there who¬†doesn’t want you to put a cork in it ‚ÄĒ in fact, they consider your bubbling to be pure Veuve Cliquot. They’re dying to swap spit with you. . . and they might even be the very same person you share a cubicle with. Chance in a million, but we thought it was worth mentioning.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve heard it before: Relationships take work. But it seems like you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting lately. Where’s your beloved? Probably out back working on their tan. If you’re going to get this house o’ love built, you’ve got to get your partner off their butt. If not, it’ll be time to give up and just pitch a tent on your own.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Looking into our crystal balls, we see. . . lots of sperm! Okay, okay, not what you we’re looking for. Looking into our crystal ball (singular), we see you in a relationship, a rather ho hum relationship. We see you feeling trapped, closed in, claustrophic. We see you jumping out the window for some “fresh air.” But it’s a long way down and, unlike cats, you don’t bounce. Take your fate in your own hands and walk out the front door with dignity (and your ass intact).
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Being mysterious does not mean giving vague, coy answers to questions posed by potential suitors. Nor does it mean reading Mary Higgins Clark on the subway. Nor does it mean wearing a cape. No, being mysterious means leaving a little something to the imagination, not oversharing, and keeping your pants on for more than ten hours. This week, be a puzzle wrapped in a enigma that someone will want to bother unwrapping.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Just because someone asks to borrow your notes from Physics doesn’t mean they want to have your baby.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Secret affairs are sexy and exciting and dangerous and thrilling . . . on the surface. But at their very core, by their very nature, they are based on lies and fear and deceit and mistrust. Are we right or are we right? Do you want to be superficial or deep? That’s what we thought.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
When Simon and Garfunkel sang, “Slip out the back, Jack,” they weren’t talking about anal sex. We don’t have to tell you that there are at least fifty ways to leave your lover: what you might need reminding of is¬†why you should consider making a new plan, Stan. Everyone needs to lean on their loved one every now and again, but your partner has been subsidizing you for too long. Whether that subsidy is financial or emotional we can’t say (the stars were a little unclear on that point) but we do know that it’s time to pull a Paul Simon and go solo.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty is the best policy. Don’t keep things bottled up inside. Express yourself. Open the doors of communication. Pour out your heart and soul. Spill your guts.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Omigod, it so totally worked! Your new Urban Outfitters alterna-wardrobe has totally given you this new mysterious air, and don’t think the alterna-hotties haven’t noticed. They’ll be lining up to write angst-filled sonnets dedicated to you. Now you won’t even have to smoke to look cool!