aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ll be eager to try new things however you must not take chances that could affect your health: not using condoms, falling in love with a serial killer, losing a bottle of Axe body spray up your rectum (oh, it happens). Play it safe this week, or you may never get to play again. (Cue the scary, dramatic music.)
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You may not recognize the opportunities that are present regarding a potential partner: they’re looking to cash in their V card; they just got dumped and are going to be in serious need of a rebound; they’ve told you flat out they want to have your babies. Hello, wake up and smell the love!
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you get tied up with one partner you may miss out meeting Mr. or Ms. Right…because you’ll be handcuffed to the bedposts without a key and won’t be able to go anywhere until the firefighters come with metal sheers to free you. Hmmm, meeting the person of your dreams or having a hilarious kinky sex story to tell at dinner parties for the rest of your life. It’s quite a toss up, really.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You should get into lengthy conversations with a potential partner before deciding to become intimate. You may have a change of heart, leaving you in an awkward position if you have already made promises…or made embarrassing cow noises in front of each other.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you don’t get to know someone who has been coming on to you first you may only have a physical relationship with him or her as time passes by. We can hear you already: “And this is a problem how…?”
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We have three words for you: “More Than Words.”
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Someone who has been showing interest in you personally may not be the right partner. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t fill your needs or your orifices. Hold out for the very best, even if it just seems like the very best you can get right now is just a Rabbit Habit.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Excitement and adventure will be your game. And a worthy opponent will try to capture your flag… and your heart. There will be no losers this week. Only bad metaphors.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find it difficult to understand what a potential partner wants from you. You are best to observe his or her likes and dislikes before you make a move. If he or she likes Spam, Dick Cheney or John Tesh and dislikes “The Office,” kittens or irony, you may want to take a pass and move on.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The brutal truth: If you try to win someone with witty conversation this week you are likely to end up all alone. So just shut up and look pretty. P.S. We’re hard on you because we care.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll be in a serious mood regarding love. Your interest in someone who is like-minded should be taken one step further. Tell him or her how you feel and what you intentions are. Try to have more of a sense of humor than this horoscope does.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your needs may not be fulfilled if you have tunnel vision regarding the likes and dislikes of someone you are attracted to. (You want to catch Chinese art exhibit at the Met, they want to stay home and watch all the Harry Potter movies back to back.) Being pushy will backfire and leave you in an uncertain and awkward position. (You standing alone in front of a swatch of Burberry while your date absconds with the museum’s hot coat-check clerk.)