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Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down

Sat, Jun 25, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo by Public Domain Photos

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I hate going down on guys. Always have. I gag, I choke, I think it tastes gross. My boyfriend likes receiving oral, of course, and I want to make him happy, but I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do — and do do — to get him (and myself) off. Am I being unreasonable? I wouldn’t ask him to do something he really didn’t want to do. And I can’t help but think, If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up? (Btw, I enjoy receiving cunnilingus, but it’s not a deal breaker — I can take it or leave it. My boyfriend says he enjoys giving it to me, so that only adds tit-for-tat pressure!)

– That Blows

What should TB do?

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48 Responses to “Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down”

  1. Annie Says:

    “Am I being unreasonable? Yes, yes, and yes.

    Oral comes standard on every model or it gets put back on the shelf. That goes for both genders.

    Now, some practical advice:

    If the real problem is taste, there are a few things he can do to make himself taste better. First and foremost is to shower immediately before so that his penis is clean as it can be. If it is his semen that bothers you, he can change his diet. What a man eats completely affects the way he tastes. This is why DH is no longer allowed to eat asparagus or garlic if he wants me anywhere near his penis. Eating fruit, lots of sweet fruit, does help the way semen tastes. The old pineapple juice trick is not fiction. It works. Make him drink 1-2 glasses of the stuff per day and his semen will taste amazing.

    If a change in cleaning and diet doesn’t improve his taste then either he has a health problem OR you have a psychological block. My guess is from the way you write your letter, it’s the latter. Because of your tone and saying things like this:

    “If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up”

    See, you don’t ask for ways to may it better. You see this as a zero sum game. It’s not, how do we make this work for both of us..you ask, how do I get him to give it up so or do I just have to suffer?

    If you are throwing up, you are doing it wrong. Either he’s choking you, or he has a real health issue or you just have a mental block to sucking cock.

    I suspect though, that your problem is not his taste, but that you just find the act degrading and disgusting. You need to spend some time on this and get to the root of it in your own head before you talk to him. No b.s., no excuses. If you aren’t honest with yourself about why you feel this way, you are only going to make yourself miserable and sabatoge this relationship. Have you EVER enjoyed giving BJS? (seems not, “I hate going down on guys) If your aversion to BJs as BJs is really what’s going on, you have two choices: (1) Be honest with him about what and why you don’t like it or (2) grin and bear it because you love him.

    “I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do”

    Doing things you don’t really enjoy, and even mildly dislike, is part of the give and take of an adult relationship.

    Look, I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years and we’ve been together for 13. You will have to do a lot in a relationship that you don’t like in order to make the relationship work. This is not a problem so long as it is not one-sided and you aren’t asked to do anything that is really vile, outside your moral comfort zone, or damaging to yourself. He’s not asking for anal or three-ways. He’s desiring a sex act that the vast majority of people on the planet feel is natural and normal and part of an intimate relationship.

    The sacraficing a bit goes not just for lovers, but for any close relationship. Of you even think you want kids, getting down on your knees once is a while is nothing, nothing compared to what kids will throw at you. Or your best friend. Or your boss.

    Relationships aren’t 100% fun and games. They are hard work and require that we do things that aren’t driven by 100% short-term self interest. Reciprocal giving to your partner in the short term is what gets you a good long term relationship.

    It sounds like you have a great boyfriend, given how much he loves oral and seems fun in bed. If that’s the case and you are otherwise compatible, then I think denying him this pleasure is a bad move. As I said, oral comes standard.

    You need to know that if you can’t get over your aversion to BJs, you are cutting down your potential pool of mates significantly. No male I know would ever marry a woman who would not go down. Most women I know wouldn’t marry a man who could not find a clitoris with his tongue in the dark. So be prepared for the fact this may well be a deal breaker. He may or may not tell you immediately that it is. It may take months to work out. But trust me, the vast majority of men want access to blow jobs even if they don’t actually want them daily. Cutting off the possibility will cause problems.

    And if he doesn’t stay with you and you find yourself back on the market DO NOT start giving BJS in the early phases and then cut them off after you feel secure. If you really “hate going down on guys” don’t. Be honest with your sex partners. But be prepared that many, many men may turn you down because you won’t go down.

    In short:

    (1) Figure out why you hate BJs and always have. If you can’t get it that yourself, don’t talk it out with your boyfriend. Find a trusted sex positive girlfriend, school counselor, etc. and get to the root of it. Only after you know what the true issue is.

    (2) If it is his taste, follow the advice above. (Don’t think so, given your universal aversion).

    (3) If it is the act itself, you need to figure out ways to make it more physical and psychologically comfortable for you. It can be done.

    (4) You need to give some hard thought to what you are and are not willing to do in reciprocation in a relationship. If you can’t do that, you will have issues much larger than to give or not to give BJs.

    (5) Promise that you won’t lead men on in the beginning of a relationship with giving BJs and then cut them off once they are into you. Not fair. In fact, it’s pretty emotionally and sexually fraudulent. If you really hate BJs, tell the guys once you start becoming sexual with them. Give them a choice of whether or not they want to fall in love with a woman who won’t.

  2. EM Says:

    You certainly don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But your boyfriend doesn’t have any obligation to stay with you, either. Oral is pretty standard fare these days, and there aren’t many men who will just “take it or leave it.” Besides, while I’m assuming you’re young now, after a while there will be more need for sexual variety as good ol’ PIV sex gets routine.

    You can work on your gag reflex when he’s not around – practice by yourself with a banana or another safe phallic object. Less pressure to perform, more ability to explore your own reactions.

    But while you’re well within your rights, I’d advise against being the girl who doesn’t go down – it’ll make you undateable to a significant portion of the population. Instead take some time to understand which of the details bothers you and tailor your technique accordingly…

    Good luck!

    One note – you say “it tastes gross” – you do have the right to expect decent hygiene before you stick his junk in your mouth, so if the actual PENIS tastes gross, tell him to shower. If it’s the semen that tastes gross, use oral as an appetizer before vaginal intercourse, or make sure he ejaculates either outside your mouth or down your throat.

  3. misspiggy Says:

    Agree with Annie that you need to work out exactly why you don’t like it. If it’s the choking/uncomfortable jaw stuff, go with kissing and licking the shaft and then sucking and licking the tip while you use your (well lubricated) hand on the rest of him. And if you don’t want to swallow, don’t swallow – either hold the spunk in your mouth and spit it out, or disengage as soon as he comes and let it spill all over him – he probably will cope.

    If that all works, you could gradually work up to more ambitious blowing, or you could keep it at that level. But if you really can’t face even that, maybe you should ask yourself why you don’t like getting so close to cocks.

  4. Miss K Says:

    I understand your complaints of taste and gagging. Though neither of this is personally an issue for me, I have many friends who are simply very sensitive and struggle more with the task than others. I don’t think your distaste for the act means that you are any less adventurous, but simply that you may be more sensitive.

    That said, while I don’t think you should force yourself to perform an act you absolutely hate, I think that there are ways you can alter the activity so that it becomes more enjoyable for you. I agree with the other commentors that flat out refusing to go down could harm your relationship, and want to offer a few alternatives. After all, relationships require compromise.

    To deal with taste, think of blow jobs as an appetizer rather than the main course. There is no reason you need to be gagging on his taste if it is repulsive to you. Unless your boyfriend, for some psychological reasons, needs to finish in your mouth, you could always get him close yet let him finish elsewhere on your body. I know many men who actually prefer the visual effects, and would be more than willing to strike a compromise. If you are really squeamish about getting dirty, then try using blowjobs as a warm up, before switching to some p and v action.

    To deal with the gagging, stop thinking that oral means deep throating and consider all of the other options. Talk to your boyfriend- the tip is the most sensitive part of the penis and I’m sure he’d appreciate even some shallow lip action and a few flicks of your tongue. In order to simulate deeper action, use your hand in conjunction with your mouth to stimulate his entire package. This will still give him the sensation of your mouth and the psychological pleasure of watching you pleasure him, while saving you from any reason to gag.

    Hope this helps, and good luck!

  5. RetroRiotGrrrl Says:

    I think everyone here is being a little ridiculous. Bjs are not the end all be all of sex acts and as long as you’re both getting off you have a better sex life than most people. I’m not a huge fan of giving bjs myself but I don’t have quite the same distain you seem to. I would suggest first talking to him about it. If he wants to break up or is overly upset he probably isn’t the sort of person you want to be with any way. The other thing I suggest is to try to make it a special occasion sort of deal. Birthday, holidays, etc. That way you don’t have to do it as often, he still gets them from time to time, and they’re all the more special and exciting. If you only have to suffer through them occasionally it won’t cause as much resentment and should keep him happy. Plus most guys you ask will always pick the old p in the v-jay over bjs if they could only ever have one or the other.

  6. Hannah Says:

    The other comments are exactly right. It’s not an all or nothing thing and what you need to do is find a way to make them more palatable for you. For me, what works well is to integrate my hands into the action. That gives me a chance to take a breath or allows me to keep it from going too far back in my throat. Honestly, I didn’t like bjs the first time I did it, but now I love it. A lot of it is just learning about the other persons body and getting comfortable with performing. This is all hugely empowering and really raises the intimacy in the relationship. So don’t give it up all together, but definitely try some different things until you find something that works for you.

  7. Jenna Says:

    It sounds like everyone has given some great advice here. I just wanted to put my two cents in and say that I don’t love going down either but my b.f loves it and I love him.

    You can give him a blowjob without letting him cum in your mouth. You don’t have to deep throat it. You can reach a compromise where he is getting some head but you are not crossing your boundaries. When you get used to giving him the watered down version of head, maybe it will stop seeming like such a gross chore. Just don’t push yourself to far to fast (no pun intended) and try to learn to tolerate it in baby steps.

  8. BCofUIMHere Says:

    I’m going out on a limb here and say “No” you are not being unreasonable. Yes, oral (on both sides) is considered normal these days, but the word that makes me go against the pack is “pressure.”

    Pressure makes sex bad. Doesn’t matter what kind of sex, if one member is being pressured into it, it’s going to be bad sex. And the step from pressure to force is not long.

    Yes, bf may very well decide to leave TB if she doesn’t go down on him. But WTF, why should she stay if he’s ignoring her discomfort? (Hey, baby, you done pukin’? Wanna go some more?)

    As far as the choking/gagging/puking, why are the previous posters schooling TB, assuming she’s doing something wrong? Is it just possible that bf is one of those sadists who enjoys grabbing a woman behind the head and forcing his dick down her throat? I’m not saying he must be, but let’s not assume out of the chute the woman is the one in the wrong. It’s one thing to learn new skills to a satisfying love life. It’s another to be dragged into doing something you didn’t want to do in the first place.

    Yes, there’s ways to improve the taste, but the onus is on him to do them. Does he bathe regularly? Is he willing to clean up just before? Is he willing to change his diet or recreation habits, i.e. give up alcohol, tobacco, spicy foods, 420 if he indulges? If not, she has little recourse.

    And, it may be TB just doesn’t like the taste. *Everyone* is different – as foreign as it is to me, there are people who don’t like chocolate – they don’t like it, they won’t eat it, wouldn’t put it in their mouths if it was the last food on earth. *And they shouldn’t have to*, especially not because their “loved” one (who, if they truly loved them wouldn’t ask for it) wants them to.

    Just because other people enjoy fellatio, or have learned to tolerate it (I wouldn’t want sex with someone who was “tolerating” what I like, but that’s me) doesn’t mean she should.

    There *are* guys out there who do not like BJs. The last guy I was with didn’t like them/didn’t come from them. I love going down on guys, and wanted him to like them. But would anyone here have said I should have insisted that he have laid back and “taken it like a man” and learned techniques to blow his wad from them for me? ;)

    My particular advice: Get off this ride now. Find a man who appreciates what you bring to the table.

  9. Molly Says:

    I’d jump into the bandwagon that you both work together to make oral less terrible for you, whether that involves changes in hygiene or sticking a vibrator in your panties while you’re going down on him. It comes standard. If you really want to never have to give a blowjob, you’re going to need to find someone who just plain doesn’t like them, and it sounds like this guy isn’t the one. Do you love him enough to put up with the blowjobs? Then give him blowjobs.

    That being said, I once didn’t really care for blowjobs and now they turn me on like crazy. What happened? As a teen, I dated a premature-ejaculator with a short refractory period. So if I wanted to have sex for 5 minutes instead of 1, I had to give him a blowjob first and then wait 5 minutes for his erection to come back. The fact that I HAD to do it kind of ruined all the fun. Now, I do it because it makes me happy, but I don’t have to do it every time I want to have sex. With this experience in mind, I would say that you should do your best to give blowjobs SOMETIMES as a special treat, but he should not DEMAND them or expect them several times a week or anything. Telling him that he’s never going to get another blowjob is a dump-able offense, but giving it a willing attempt once a month is not too much to ask.

    You didn’t tell him that going down on him makes you throw up, did you? Because I would immediately dump any partner who said that my genitals make him/her puke. Just sayin’. If it’s a gag-reflex thing, I’ve discovered that it’s all in my head. If I think I’m going to gag, then I will. Practice by brushing the back of your tongue when you brush your teeth, put on a positive attitude, and it will get better.

  10. Johnny Says:

    I think someone already said this, but what about a “lite” BJ? Like, just the tip in your mouth while the hand does the rest of the work? Or licking and kissing without putting it all the way in?

    Also, the shower & diet advice that everyone gave is on point.

    And believe it or not (as I learned on this site) there are actually guys – seriously, for real, no-kidding – who dislike BJ’s. You could keep searching till you find one of those. Cause no BJ-loving guy is gonna go forever without one, no matter how much he loves you.

  11. Rachel Says:

    Are you being unreasonable? No freaking way.

    I cannot believe other commenters (*cough*ANNIE*cough*) are saying that no matter how horrible going down on your boyfriend is for you, you must keep doing it because it “comes standard” (which it absolutely does not). No one has to do anything they don’t want to do, and you aren’t simply saying “I don’t feel like it,” you’re having a physical reaction to it. The suggestions about diet and hygiene are helpful and they should make going down easier for you, but in my opinion you should be able to say “I’m not going to do that” and leave it at that. Otherwise he is basically forcing himself on you. Not cool.

  12. Casey Says:

    Rachel, I love you. Took the words from my mouth. Nobody should ever have to do anything they hate in a relationship. It’s most likely not psychological. I don’t like giving blow jobs because I don’t want a penis in my mouth, simple as that. Do I do it occasionally anyway? Yeah, but I wouldn’t if it wasn’t so good for my partner.

  13. ophelia Says:

    i think annie is just telling her the most no nonsense advice though. but it doesnt mean that she is right all the way. i think that there are women who dont like “giving” and it does not look like the guy, from her story is giving her pressure. she is confused and torn between giving pleasure without making herself feel “gross” or something. However, from someone who used to dislike giving oral sex, it becomes a thing a woman gets used to (my culture is kinda grossed out by BJ– the old school ones) but it needs a certain man for the job to understand you wants, needs, dislikes, etc. compromise is a must. however, if you really feel like going down to make him happy, then follow the above suggestions to see if it will change. if not, then i think that its just personality, and personalities are hard to change, and you shouldnt just because of one guy. i think annie is right about one thing when it comes to dating: dont go be “easy” and give away blow jobs on the first or second dates like candy. i personally told my now steady bf that i do give bjs but he has to wait. and he always said that its personally worth it. :)

  14. VM Says:


  15. Taylor Says:

    No human being(regardless of their gender) should be forced to do a sex act that they are against doing. No matter their reason for being against it. Trying to guilt trip her with things like he’ll cheat if you don’t or he’ll break up with you is called coercing.

    I also noticed a telling and sad commentary with most of the comments. In order for her to *compromise* she must ultimately do what her boyfriend wants. The man. How exactly, and by whose definition, is that compromise? Its the same old same old story. If a women truly doesn’t want to do something and her boyfriend, or husband, does his way is the default *right way* Where is the compromise again?

    Also most of these comments keep saying give him what he wants etc or he will potentially resent you. No one seems to care about her resentment though. Since she’s female she should give into the male always. No compromise. Just his way 110%.

    The natural act of vaginal sex should be more than enough for any normal couple. If you want to spice it up do some acts out of kama sutra,but anytime oral( or anal) becomes all consuming over the normal way there is something wrong in my opinion.

    If she says yes to this sex act(even though she’s against it,but of course no one seems to care about that) out of coercing then when does it end? What if he came up and said if you loved me you will do this threesome.Or if you loved me you would put on this stripperiffic outfit or have an open relationship. Or if you loved me you will get this abortion or jump off this bridge. When can NO come in guys? Also when can respect join the party to?

    Also just because a morally bankrupt and sex crazed society says oral( and anal) are normal acts of sex, and thus she must do it, don’t make it so. Vaginal sex is the only normal sex act both biologically and biblically. Both were made to fit perfectly with each other because of the ultimate goal of procreation. Any other sex act is all society’s doing.

    No one should be made to feel like they are doing something wrong because they don’t want to put something a person urinates out of into their mouth, and don’t even get me started on ejaculating in the mouth. This goes for men who don’t want to that particular act to a women as well. The reproductive organs, as well as the mouth, are the most bacterial infested organs on the human body,and let’s not get started on potential std’s.

    Any man or women who would break up or cheat(in a long line of their *you made me cheat* excuses of course) with their significant other over oral is grade a asshole in the first place and is not worth any decent person’s time. Let me tell you a hard and true fact love is a very powerful emotion and no man, or women, is going to hit the road over society’s sex act if they are in love. Of course I’m talking about actual men(and women) and not little selfish boys(and girls) in adult bodies who’s idea of sex is what porn stars do. Sorry guys if ‘my way or the highway’ instant gratification is what you want then I suggest you become a porn star yourself. I hear they are always hiring. Leave the men and women who actually care about being in love, and would not leave or cheat on the person who’s the object of that strong emotion, for the rest of us.Although a sex-mad society would have you think otherwise sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. Nor should it be. It can be a part of it, but it should never become all consuming.

    TC don’t ever do a sex act that you are not 110% comfortable in doing. There are people out there who don’t like oral if your boyfriend can’t respect your stance on this to the point he would cheat on you.However, if he’s doing you and you don’t don’t want to do him, as you have said, then you need to tell him to stop doing you.Either both get oral or neither gets it, and they both have to want to do it if it’s the former.

  16. Britney Says:

    I agree with Rachel, and like her, I can’t believe some people are suggesting that you are being unreasonable. You most definitely are not. Never do anything you are uncomfortable with doing. If a guy can’t accept that then he’s not worth your time. I dislike giving oral as well. It makes me gag, and it hurts my jaw pretty bad. I know my boyfriend wishes I would do it more, but he understands my reasoning.

  17. Carl Says:

    Mostly good advice here, even from Taylor who is clearly a twit that has never been to the Zoo, or a farm. Taylor, every mammal has some kind of “oral” sex – just because your mamma told you it was dirty don’t make it so.
    TB doesn’t say what it is that she finds so terrible about oral sex but she ought to at least try and figure it out.
    I’d agree that no one should do anything, sexual or not that they’re not comfortable with. But one should try anything and everything that appeals to you.
    I’d date someone who didn’t like oral sex, but I wouldn’t get anything like serious if they couldn’t give me some sort of satisfaction once in a while. We guys are easy, a hand job with a few kisses and licks is a blowjob to most of us.

  18. Fluffy Says:

    My rule b is no one should do something they don’t enjoy within a relationship. Otherwise it’s not a shared intimate moment, it’s just one being used as a masturbatory aide. You are just as important as your boyfriend in your relationship.

    Explain to your boyfriend that you rather do something that turns BOTH of you on.

    A good substitution to blow jobs is to break out the lube and engage in some titty banging.

    Some people just don’t like giving blowjobs, it’s as simple as that. That doesn’t mean you should have to sacrifice your own comfort and boundaries when there are PLENTY of alternatives out there.

  19. Bettyboo Says:

    First thought, echoing others here, you should never feel obliged to do something you really don’t enjoy in a relationship. That will just impact negatively on the rest of your relationship and cause resentment on your part that he ‘makes’ you do this and that can’t end well. If he is actually putting excessive pressure on you then he’s not worth it anyway and in Dan Savage style you should DTMFA! Ssecond thought, is he expecting above and beyond? A fabulous blow job does not need to mean deep throut, just suck the head or even jsut kiss and lick whilst your hands do the work, kiss and lick the shaft, get your hands involved and stroke him and play with his shaft and balls and generally do whatever you can think of that makes him feel good without going anywhere near his gag reflex.. and tell him very firmly (or even make it kinky and tie him down) that there will be no pushing down the top of your head to get more depth, you need to be totally in control (which you may find very sexy ;0) ) of what you do, when you do it and for how long.. then you might be able to relax and enjoy yourself and believe me he willlove you ‘worshiping’ his manhood ;0)
    3rdly, if the smell is an issue, and you’ve exhausted teh possibilities of washing before hand, changing how he washes (my BF washes with soap and sanex shower gel as he felt just soap left him clean but smelling odd) and checking for infection etc then maybe you just aren’t that compatable.. pheromones in smell are what subconsciously tell you whether you are compatable (to produce healthy children, you need a good mix of different genes esp in the immune system to be healthy, that’s why inbred people and animals have health problems). When you meet a really compatable person you’re drawn subconsciously (or even consciously) to their smell, if the smell of your BF turns you off then maybe he’s just not the right guy.. lastly, if the taste issue is cum, then don’t swallow ;0) a good compromise here would be a very handsy (on your part) bj and then cum on your chest, or move to a different sex act entirely, that way he gets the enjoyment of your lips around him without you gagging and if you’ll hopefully feel happier about it adn be able to enjoy yourself.. but, just to reiterate, all this is only if you want to.. sex should always be about what feels good to both, there’s a difference between being GGG about something that doesn’t inspire and doing what repulses you becasue you feel you have to..

  20. Michael Says:

    Taylor, who s**t in your cereal yesterday morning? WOW, everyone is entilted to an opinon but please get off the soapbox. Either it’s a deal breaker for the guy (it would be for me) or it isn’t. It seems to me she could simply talk to him and let him know that she can’t/won’t do it anymore and let them decide what happens from there.

  21. Lindsay Says:

    Wow. No one has even mentioned this little secret: HAVE HIM WEAR A CONDOM. This way you won’t taste anything but rubber. Either that or just refuse to do it. ( And I’m a virgin!)

  22. tnyangel Says:

    I have TMJ. My jaw is super tight and a true BJ would be impossible, unless the penis was super duper small. I can’t fit a good cheeseburger in my mouth, have to use a knife and fork.

    I do the BJ lite. I use the “ice cream cone” technique and lick all the way up and down and spend as much attention on the head as a girl who can’t fit a head in her mouth can. Most of all though, I have perfected as many hand-job routines as possible. My own, magazines, girlfriends, boyfriends, everyone that has a trick, I want to know how it treats! I keep lube by the bed and I’m not afraid to use it. Work those magic hands girlfriend. Find your gifts.

  23. keely Says:

    I think you’re being unfair, both to yourself and your boyfriend, by declaring sort of a moratorium on an entire class of sex act. I totally understand the pressure you feel. The first time my boyfriend went down on me, I felt pressure more than anything else, because I felt like I could take or leave oral sex, and I was not ready to go down on him. He said the same thing as your boyfriend, that he enjoyed doing it, which is the best possible reason to please your partner. But I wasn’t ready, and so for another month, he was a one man show. And when I was ready to dip my toes in, we took it slow.

    I think you should start all over again with your boy. Of course he should have good hygiene; no one should have to put their mouth near anything unclean. And you can lick and touch in conjunction with your normal activities. It doesn’t have to be some big thing. Give a very “wet” handjob with a little mouth action. Here is where I think some reevaluation is needed on your part. You see, truth be told, I don’t like giving oral sex either, in that the taste is less than pleasant, and the activity itself is straining, and gagging is no fun for anyone.

    I also love going down on my boyfriend. A lot of things are not terribly enjoyable if you think about them; exercise is gross. We sweat, we smell funny, we bend into positions we don’t like. Enjoy the acheivement. Making your boyfriend moan and being completely in control of his pleasure is like losing five pounds. Focus on goals, and markers of achievement, and take pride in what you do. I’m not saying I enjoy the taste of a hot mouthful of semen, but the taste of success, and knowing at that moment he thinks I’m a goddess? That tastes sweet. That feeling of pride, and sexual confidence can do wonders for your sex life. I recommend my favorite position to you, a sideways 69, because trust me, finding that rhythm can be just as much fun orally, and you’re missing out by not giving it a shot.

  24. Janipurr Says:

    Please ignore Annie–she is an idiot. If you don’t like giving oral, don’t do it, period. If he leaves you for it, he wasn’t worth keeping. Not ALL men “require” oral–mine doesn’t. (And even when I was with guys who liked it and I indulged them, I NEVER EVER let them come in my mouth, or it was the LAST time they got it.) And not all women even like getting oral–I have always been bored out of my mind by it, doesn’t do a damn thing for me. We do other things that turn us on, but I would never ask my guy to do something he felt uncomfortable or turned off by, and he would never ask me to do them, either. It’s called mutual respect.

  25. Scott Says:

    You have to consider WHY men like blowjobs (and from the preceding comments, it appears that the vast majority do). Here are what I think are the reasons:

    (1) They can lay back, relax, and simply receive pleasure. They don’t have to physically exert themselves, so there are no other sensations competing for attention in their brains which would drown out or distract from the sensations coming from their penis, e.g. no back getting tired from pumping away, no elbows or knees suffering from the pressure of supporting them or from rubbing on some surface, no having to think about if what they are doing to their partner is ‘working’. Being able to empty one’s mind and concentrate on the pleasurable sensations is great.

    (2) It is a turn-on to have somebody want to give you sexual pleasure.

    (3) It is even more of a turn-on to realize that the person giving you incredibly pleasurable sensations knows exactly what they are doing and has control over making you orgasm.

    (4) It is something both intimate and a little bit naughty.

    (5) The sensations from a mouth can be more intense than what the penis receives from going in and out of a vagina. Being well lubricated is a good thing, but in the end, it is the friction which creates the pleasure. Hence men’s predilection for ‘tight pussy’.

    I count the last point as very important. Men can get less sensitive as they age, and need more stimulation.

    Given all that, how can one give enhanced pleasure in some other way than a blowjob? I submit that your hands are capable of much, much more than your mouth. You hands can stroke, squeeze, circle, rub, twist, pull, and stimulate in many more ways than your mouth. If you learn to give a really good handjob, there is a very good chance that your boyfriend will prefer it to a blow job. Its an art. Just pumping away is just as bad as a guy just mindlessly pumping away. There are Internet sites dedicated to handjobs. I suggest checking them out and learning some techniques. You can take him to the edge of orgasm, and then apply the special two-finger squeeze to keep him from coming, prolonging the sexual tension until he is frantic. If you want some extra excitement, you can tie him spreadeagled to the bed, so that you have total control, and take you time, which will drive him wild. If you tell him, ‘Honey, I have this fantasy: I want to tie you up and then make you come like you’ve never come before’ then his heart will be racing for sure.

  26. shopes1 Says:

    My husband won’t go downtown on me. I used to perform oral on him all the time but I don’t anymore. He complains that I don’t, but I think he is a hypocrit for doing so. He can’t expect to get oral fromme if I don’t from him.

  27. James J Says:

    this is not that uncommon. You should see the craigslist ads for m4m from guys whose girls or wives don’t do certain things. There’s always a place to get it, and there are plenty of guys who love doing it, NSA.

  28. david Says:

    i don’t know how serious this issue is with you but many guys are able to deal with no intercourse as long as they get oral. and sometimes oral is better for us guys than the actual intercourse because we may be tired or not have enough time. it’s great that he loves to go down on you but i bet he would do it whether he liked it or not anyway. after all if him going down on you helps with your libido he would do it just to be able to keep having sex. the way you put it sounds like it’s a chore for you. you definitely need to figure out the real issue because if not he may leave. i know i would

  29. Paul Fraser Says:

    I was talking to a guy in a bar many years ago and he had a few drinks and became very loquacious. As we were talking about women he said “You know, I hate to eat pussy but the competition is really tough out there”. I about fell out of my chair laughing. One of the great quotes of all time. The funniest part was that the guy was deadly serious.

  30. sioux Says:

    Hey TB,

    I have a super awful gag reflex, too. It totally sucks. I have actually barfed. It isn’t fun for anyone. I don’t think you should be forced to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but I’d thought I’d share my modified technique.

    The way I get around the gag is to have the boy lie down. I approach at a perpendicular angle (like a “T”), lay hand against his stomach so that my hand cups the top of his shaft and focus on stimulating the entire exposed length of the bottom shaft. The most sensitive part on most guys is the part where the head meets the shaft, so I basically make out with it and the whole bottom side of his dick, using lots of tongue pressure. I’ll put the full tip in, but I really can’t go much further. Sometimes I just end up giving a really slobbery hand job with my mouth stimulating just the tip. Sometimes this isn’t enough for him to come, but we just switch to regular sex.

    That’s the compromise that works for us. I too dislike the taste of semen, but I deal with it and think of it in my mind as a gift. Sometimes I just catch it with a towel. I’ll also jump him right after he showers, so that takes care of the crotch funk. I’ve noticed that he has caught drift of this and likes it, and will do the same for me. You may also want to consider body chocolates or something. I haven’t tried them, but I know there are kinds that you can just paint on and lick off in a way that is comfortable to you.

    My partner understands the gag reflex, and he certainly doesn’t get off on me suffering or having my dinner all over his crotch. He really appreciates that I try with my handicapped efforts and absolutely reciprocates in different ways, not always sexual. I mean, sometimes I want a foot rub for my gross feet, and he will indulge, even though I know it’s not fun.

    Anyway, if you decide to give it a shot, I’d love to hear if my solutions work for another gagger!


  31. Anonymiss Says:

    What’s so hard to understand here?? She does not like giving oral sex!! I don’t either. Believe me, I’ve tried, for almost 20 years. I finally said: No more oral. If that means I’ll never be with another man again, so be it! I feel that strongly about it. Spare me the nonsense about it being ‘standard’ and ‘mandatory’ now. I hate this obsession everybody has with this one sex act. I don’t need to find out why I don’t like it, either. It’s like people not liking brussels sprouts. I hate it and will not do it ever again!!!!

  32. Willow Says:

    For the record, I have this problem, myself. I’m not sure what magic others are working on their guys to get their spunk to taste better, but it hasn’t worked in our household. There is no medical problem, the scent and taste of his sperm will turn me off faster than if my mother walked in the room.

    That being said, I did feel bad about it because I know how much he enjoys me swallowing, which eventually led to me just buckling down and doing it. Yes, I’m still nauseated and I have to get up immediately after to brush my teeth and yes, I shiver and dry heave just thinking about the smell and taste. But, on the other hand, seeing that look on his face makes it all worth it. With more practice, I’m hoping I’ll become desensitized and won’t need to get up right after.

    Im glad someone finally wrote something like this…I thought I was the only one.

  33. Black Iris Says:

    If you hate doing it, you shouldn’t have to. This kind of thing shouldn’t be a conflict with your partner. I’d drop a guy who was pushing me to do something I hated. I can’t see any excuse for his behavior.

    However, oral sex doesn’t have to make you gag and choke. You can use your mouth and lips without putting the whole penis in your mouth. Also, if you do it lying down, you can control how much goes into your mouth.

    If the guy is thrusting and making you choke, he’s doing it wrong. That’s him getting carried away and not caring about what he does to you.

    Anyhow, my advice is dump him and look for a guy who is interested in working together to create pleasure. Then maybe oral sex will work for you.

  34. chris Says:

    First of all, to all the ladies, we men like it so much because its that damn good! Its physical, pyschological, and visual all at the same time. Its one step under a woman saying no to any sex at all. That being said, any decent guy would take the initiative to try and figure it out between the two of you and not just brush it off as your problem. If im thinking about wanting sex or think my partner is wanting it i take a damn shower so im clean and smell fresh. As far as taste, there are flavored oils you could use and dont let him go off in your mouth. Bottom line if he doesnt care about helping you overcome this so that you can both please each other and feel good about it, dump him and find someone who will.

  35. gwats Says:

    Shave ‘down there’ regularly, at least once every two weeks. also, learn to shower just before sex and use baby powder on that area, especially during warm weather. Less germs, less odor. a pleasant smell. Got’s to lead to better sex. :)

  36. Lara Says:

    Annie has made all the points that I wanted to make but there’s one I’d like to expand on:

    If you are vomiting, as she said, you are doing it wrong.
    You don’t have to fit the whole thing in, you can rub the base of the shaft with your hand while sucking the rest of it.
    The whole thing gets attention and you won’t end up vomiting or choking.

  37. Kitty Cat Says:

    You don’t have to swallow. You can fake it. Swallowing is the best, of course, but you can let it “leak” out around your lips while breathing through your nose if it’s really not possible for you to do the deed. The sensation of the tongue against the shaft, the swallowing action, while his partner is swallowing is one of the best things to make a man scream! Another possibility is to get a dental dam. Then you can do the whole thing like a pro without any physical offensiveness to your person at all. If you can’t get the hang of “jerking off” the base of the shaft while enthusiastically sucking the part you can get in your mouth, put the shaft between your ring finger and middle finger and squeeze tightly, letting your saliva lube his shaft. Some guys really get off on the “booty boost” and if you’re both willing this will make him scream. The trick is to massage his prostate with the tip of your middle finger (lube is necessary in most cases) while you use your mouth and maybe your other hand to “abuse” his member. He’ll probably wake up the whole block when he comes! One more tip: the most sensitive part of a man’s penis apart from the glans is a little spot on the underside about an inch or so below the glans. It is kind of a concentrated area of nerves and on a circumcised penis can be seen as a slightly raised, round area about half the size of a pencil eraser. Guys love to have that area licked, sucked on and deeply massaged during a session of going down. It’s part of the path to orgasm for them, like stimulation of the clit is for women. Good luck.

  38. Klara Says:

    Don’t like it. I know lots of gays who would never swallow. Ask any guy who’s that into it to do it himself first – they would do it to themselves if they could, that’s fine, but tell them to blow another dick and see how they feel about it…double standard. No matter what people say, it is NOT standard. Just because porn movies tell you so does not make it true. Don’t believe the hype. Men can do without blowjobs. They’ll live.

  39. Johnny Says:

    ^ False comparison. Not a double standard. Asking a man to swallow another man is equivalent to asking a woman to go down on another woman. Asking a man to swallow a woman’s juice is equivalent to asking a woman to swallow a man’s juice.

  40. Ashley Says:

    Saying you can’t love someone anymore because they won’t give you a blow job is like saying you can’t love someone because they lost an arm or something except a lot less extreme than that in my opinion. If your boyfriend can’t love you for who you are (meaning you no longer want to give blowjobs because they make you sick) then tell him to go get a hooker. There ARE decent men in the world who actually care about their woman and not about getting their di*k sucked so please don’t feel like you have to do something you don’t want to do. <3

  41. Ben Says:

    Yes it is a dealbreaker for most guys myself included. We would get to know this very important fact early on in the relationship, more couples do it than don’t do it, and as someone else said it is the standard or norm, expected, for all new relationships.

    It is my experience that women that don’t go down are more insecure too, so the sex is usually not as good, plus I find other incompatibilities in the bedroom. My EX used to love receiving herself but would not give… WTF? Luckily my current is on the same page as me.

    The only women that seem to have a problem blowing guys are the ones that don’t like it or find it gross or otherwise not doing it. There are plenty of women out there that love doing it and if you find this a problem then maybe the problem is your sexual attitude. I believe that men’s attitude towards sex in general is a more positive one…

  42. Blower Says:

    If a woman isn’t ‘tight’ and tidy and can do a few jobs around the house, she’d better give good head. Warning to the ladies: You will either be his princess or you will be his b*tch. The time to decide which is while you’re still young, pure and impressionable. Don’t let society decide for you. A man will put up with lots from a woman because she’s either a. a virgin, or b. a great head-giver. (From a woman).

  43. lolol Says:

    loool@the guys for who it is a dealbreaker or who would leave their partner for not getting a blowjob. GROW THE FUCK UP

  44. Claire Says:

    Some of these replies astounded me and made me so sad. :( Especially the ones from men who said fellatio was a deal breaker in a relationship. The first rule of sex is to NEVER do anything you are not comfortable with. Whether it be oral, anal, S&M. Both male and females, straight, bisexual,or gay, should never feel under pressure to perform any sexual acts that they do not want to do or are not willing and get pleasure from doing. Sex is all about intimacy and fun with your partner and (shock!) even LOVE. Men and women have self control. If one cheats and has the feeble excuse that their partner was not performing oral sex on them then they are fooling themselves. There is no excuse foe cheating, merely explanations. If you do not like performing oral on your partner, do not do it. If he is any sort of man, he will accept this and you can both find other ways to enjoy yourselves. Also, if he refused to go do on you because you do not do it for him, then question whether you want to be with someone so controlling and immature. Like one of the posters said, you wouldn’t eat brussel sprouts if you didn’t like it. Why should a oral sex be any different? Both things go in your mouth. Hope this helps. ;)

  45. Sara Says:

    I found this thread seriously f*cked up. The amount of guilt tripping and the suggestion to the OP that there’s something wrong with her, she needs to get over it, that she’s being “unfair” – what the actual FUCK?

    Do you people realise that coercing someone into a sex act they are not willing to do is a form of rape? That people are different and some people just don’t like certain things, and it’s not your right to tell them they are abnormal because they’re different to you? Threatening to find sex elsewhere or leave someone if they don’t give you oral sex is emotional manipulation of the most insidious, despicable kind. My man doesn’t like giving oral sex much and even if I loved it (I don’t) I would NEVER coerce him into it because it’s sick to make someone you’re supposed to love do something sexually that they are not willing to do.

    I don’t like giving blow jobs and there is NOTHING wrong with me. There are a lot of unpleasant things about having a dick in your mouth. Even freshly washed, it doesn’t taste or smell great. Seeing as my tongue happens to be covered in taste buds and my nose full of olfactory receptors, there is little I can do to block this out. Putting food of any kind on genitalia makes it even more gross. Getting your gag reflex stimulated is massively unpleasant too – it can be painful if it’s violent, my eyes water, and I don’t feel very sexy with tears streaming down my face. After about 2 minutes my jaw aches unbearably. I find the idea of bodily fluids hitting the back of my throat disgusting, and every time I’ve ever swallowed I’ve felt sick and mildly traumatised for a couple of hours afterwards, and if you think there’s something wrong with me for that how about you take a swig of your girlfriend’s period blood and see how it makes you feel. Most people can’t even handle the idea of drinking human breast milk and that’s actually supposed to be food, so why am I supposed to enjoy the salty bitter slime that comes out of a man’s penis?

    Couples can have great sex that both partners enjoy without throwing their toys out of the pram when they don’t get everything they want. I like anal but I also recognise that it’s not for everyone, and I’d never accuse another girl of being weird or uptight or somehow at fault for not enjoying it. Similarly my man has no interest in being penetrated anally by me, and though I’d quite like to do it it would be messed up to coerce him into something he’s clearly not comfortable with, and even more messed up to suggest that him not being comfortable with something I want is some sort of personal failing.

    There should be more to a relationship than getting pleasured. If you care more about getting your dick sucked than you do about the girl who’s doing it, then you probably don’t deserve a relationship anyway. Fuck… this thread has seriously depressed me.

  46. Derek Says:

    Good points, Sara. No one should feel that they have to do any specific sex act. Now, I think it is a good idea for any committed, monogamous couple to try and explore things that their partners really enjoy, but if you really don’t like it then don’t do it.

    That being said, I also think the other partner has every right to say good bye to a relationship that does not include things that they really enjoy and would miss greatly if there was a lack of it. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t make me laugh, who isn’t loving, who wants to spend her weekends at work, who doesn’t like giving blowjobs, that hates dogs and won’t let me adopt one, and who can only orgasm after being urinated on. All are valid reasons to not want to be with someone who you otherwise love a lot.

    For me, blow jobs give me the opportunity to relax and just feel pleasure and joy. Thrusting is hard business, and there are a great many things to keep track of (back pain, arms about to give out, sliding knees, etc). Not to mention, the anxiety a lot of men feel about maybe coming to soon or their dick not helping a woman have an orgams and all the attendant feelings of failure and unmanliness.
    Fellatio allows me to not have those worries. I don’t have to make decisions. I don’t have to worry about anything. All I get to do is feel, to experience amazing sensations. I don’t think I could be married to a woman who would not provide that opportunity to me. It is far to blessed and amazing experience for me to never do it again.

    Now, if your man is willing to pay the price of admission (no blow jobs) then great, but if he is unwilling, as I would be, then he has every right to end the relationship and find what he needs elsewhere. Just as you are free to leave a man who demands fellatio from you constantly, or a man that does not fit your needs.

    And it is not because I don’t care about the woman. We all have needs and wants and they are all valid things. If I loved a woman who hates dogs and never, ever wants one of the damned things, I don’t think I could marry her. I love dogs and I want one very much. Likewise, I don’t want kids and a woman who wants kids has every right to leave me so that she can get the things she wants and needs. Sex is no different. Unmet needs cause all kinds of problems and it is important for everyone to be honest with themselves about what they need and desire. So, I don’t think shaming someone for really liking and wanting/needing a sexual act is a helpful thing to do.

    p.s. A lot of these issues might be solved if we just all got into being monogamish and opened up our relationships. :)

  47. Steve Says:

    Derek: Great post.

    There is a striking contrast between many of the responses provided in this thread and those in the one entitled “My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral.” Several posters here have emphasized that no one should feel forced to do do something that he or she does not want to do. In that thread the husband is treated as a jerk for having the same views that the letter writer here expresses. Double standards, anyone?

    I agree that no one should feel forced to perform any specific sex act. On the other hand, sex IS important to many people, and no one should be obliged to stay in a relationship if his/her needs are not being met. This is not an issue of “entitlement” – it’s about whether each person’s wants and needs are being satisfied in the relationship. It’s up to the participants to try to reach a satisfactory solution. If this proves impossible, both will have to decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining.

  48. emandlo Says:

    Derek and Steve, we love both of these comments. Even more than these specific comments, though, we love that an intelligent, thoughtful sensitive, flame-free conversation about oral sex is taking place on this site. Keep it coming! (Er, as it were.)

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