aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If we were hired as consultants for your love life, we’d advise you to put together a spreadsheet of your most recent ten relationships and compare and contrast what went wrong, what went right, and which haircut netted you the most appropriate partner. Then we’d advise you to apply that knowledge to your current romantic options. And then we’d send you a big fat bill. Consider yourself blessed that we dispense all this wisdom for free.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, self-improvement projects and a little time in the front of the mirror will do your love life good. Now, we’re not suggesting you apply for one of those makeover reality TV shows. Just don’t wear the same shirt more than two days in a row, wash your hair¬†before it starts to smell like hair, and for god’s sake throw out those tapered pants!
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t forget your manners this week: Say please, say thank you, say “that’s a nice hat,” and above all say “you first.”
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re needier than a pound of flour handed out in junior high sex ed class. No one wants to burp and feed you… unless you’re paying them. So grow up and pretend to act all nonchalant like the rest of us mature assholes.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your horoscope this week may sound overly motherly ‚ÄĒ but then again, mothers do know a thing or two about a thing or two. So here we go: Get out and socialize! You never know who you might meet! You’re so special, someone will notice that soon enough! Dear old mother, always putting a positive spin on things ‚ÄĒ she doesn’t see personality tics, eye twitches, or fashion emergencies; she sees only your “color.” So get out there and act like everyone loves you as much as your momma does; The confidence boost alone should get you laid. (Just don’t tell your momma how you did it.)
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Romantic opportunities with a domesticated animal will present themselves. Tempting as they may be, you should not take them. Instead, focus on your own species by using your rational mind: Analyze what it is the person you fancy enjoys, and then make a calculating move. After all, there’s a reason why pets don’t play chess. Then again, there’s a reason why chess geeks don’t get laid. Find a happy medium between cold intellectual and depraved zoophile.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Make it known that you are available and the rest, as they say, will be history. Of course, knowing how to convey “available” is a fine and subtle art few of us can master. Non-verbal expressions of “I’m available” are frequently misread as “I’m easy” (and not in that like-Sunday-morning kind of way). So keep it simple: Maintain eye contact, laugh at their jokes, invite them to that knitters’ convention in Atlantic City ‚ÄĒ and save the “I’m here for you” oral sex for the first date.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If Sundays were made for the¬†New York Times, then this week was made for you making your move…so long as “your move” is not doing “the tuck” a la¬†Silence of the Lambs in crowded bars.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Stay calm. We know the game of love is fraught with lies, damn lies, and the lying liars who tell them, but sometimes you’ve just got to be a little zen about it all. This week, if you can’t beat ‘em, then just beat ‘em off.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We hate it when the stars ask us to pass on this kind of lame advice, but what can we do, we’re just the messengers: You will attract someone other than the person you’re really interested in, but if you pretend to be interested in this new third party, it will only make you more attractive to the person you’re interested in, you follow? Sometimes we swear the stars are just the two idiots who wrote “The Rules.”
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, you will light up any room you enter with your magical body language. And if you can say that out loud with a straight face, you’re a better person than we are. Hey, don’t forget your fairy dust and balloon scuplting kit!
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It might finally be time to check out that Classmates.com site you always see the banner ads for all over the Internet: Someone from your past is still as interested in you as you are in him or her. See, reunions are good for more than just getting loaded or exacting revenge.