aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Okay, this week, you’re Kim Basinger in¬†9 and 1/2 Weeks. You’re about to meet Mickey Rourke. It’ll be totally hot: Your partner will be bold, aggressive, domineering, there will be some late night nookie in front of the fridge, a little strip-teasing, some cross-dressing. It will be exciting . . . for a while, but then you’ll start to wonder where you fit in, you’ll question who you really are and what you want out of this relationship. You’ll see the future, and Mickey’s fat, drunk face does not look bright. You’ll get bored, and you’ll realize it’s time to move on. So, when you meet your Mickey this week, shake hands and just walk away, because you already know how the movie ends.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The karma boomerang will be in full effect this week: Get out and do something for your community (or at least donate some cold hard cash to a worthy cause) and you may meet a honey in the course of making this world a better place.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Oh, Gemini, be-have! Actually, don’t, we love it when you’re naughty like that. Most of all, we love your perspective: You don’t see a roomful of strangers at a party, you see a roomful of people you haven’t yet fucked. And you don’t feel sorry for the nerd in the corner talking to no one, you just think how much hotter they’d look between your thighs. But remember, like attracts like: If you morph overnight from sexual aggressor into clingy relationship-hound, chances are you won’t get breakfast in bed.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be like that Snuggle teddy bear this week ‚ÄĒ all cute and warm and, well, snuggly. Someone will actually find this endearing. Someone else will understandably find it nauseating. Your trick is to figure out who’s who. Shouldn’t be too hard ‚ÄĒ just stay away from those who turn a greener shade of pea soup when you start getting “precious.”
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Look spaz, just because you had three cups of coffee for breakfast and a bowl of sugar for lunch, doesn’t mean the rest of us are as excitable and hyperactive as you. Put a helmet on before you hurt yourself. Better yet, offer the person you’re throwing yourself at a helmet. Better yet, keep the helmet because you’re gonna need it when they drop you to the curb.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You know how when you get drunk so you’ll feel better, you always feel doubly bad the next morning ‚ÄĒ depressed¬†and hungover? Well, slumming it in the sack just ’cause you’re lonely is the same thing. Now, slumming it just ’cause you’re horny is a whole ‘nother story. But if you’re really honest with yourself, your loneliness trumps your horniness right now, doesn’t it? There, there, it’s going to be alright. Come here and give your Auntie Em and Auntie Lo a big hug. Next week things will all be (slightly) better.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Do it! What are you waiting for?! Act now! Don’t hesitate! Hurry, hurry! It’s do or die! Jump in with both feet! The early bird gets the worm! Why are we shouting?!
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You should prepare to have a good time this week. Of course, “good time” is a very personal, subjective thing, and so is prepping for it. If your idea of a good time is winning at Connect 4, then don’t bother shaving your naughty bits. There’s a vice versa in there somewhere, but it makes us blush just to think about it.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
In the past, fidelity came easy to you: It was hard enough just finding one person who wanted to sleep with you. You may have thought you were this sweet, loyal boyfriend or girlfriend, but you were actually just blessed by circumstance. Now comes the true test. Do we even need to tell you not to lie? We guess so. Here goes: Don’t lie. No, really: Don’t lie. It’ll backfire and then you’ll have no one to sleep with¬†and you’ll be a bad person.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s hard to let go of a grudge sometimes. We’re gluttons for punishment ‚ÄĒ yeah, the punishment of others. It’s a very selfish, very satisfying thing. But if you don’t let go of your latest grudge, it may get in the way of you getting laid. Forgiveness can be a totally selfish act, too. Yippee!
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
A relationship that goes from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye is just as likely to hit the wall at sixty and crash and burn. Consider yourself warned. If you’re not prepared to give up reckless driving just yet, then at least fasten your seatbelt.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
When Billy Ocean told that chick to “get out of my dreams and into my car,” it was kind of endearing. But on you, it just looks like stalking.