Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips!! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina. Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
–”Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oh man. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news: We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
First of all, what the double-standard fuck? But second, they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news: Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm–and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips definitely won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in love with the man attached to that penis, so too will most men learn to love your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, it makes sex better. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, nobody stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should opt for re-growth to “hide” your vagina–you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of–but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop trying!
7. And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid? That’s some fucked up shit!
8. Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia are not.
10. If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t sleep with men who make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do sleep with men who feel self-conscious about their penises. Better yet, find the kind of guy who likes longer inner labia — there are plenty! — and reward him. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
December 24th, 2011 at 12:55 am
AMEN TO THAT!
December 26th, 2011 at 9:48 am
My first partner had a naturally “perfect female genitalia” as far as color, shape, size, smell et al. Her’s looked remarkably like the porn ideal. We were together for a long time, and after we broke up, it took me an embarrassingly long period to be with another partner. I only have been with a handful of women, and I am in my 30s. I just couldn’t help being put off by the sights and smells of the more common female genitalia. Please understand, I am not a snob. I just can’t help what I feel, and I have paid dearly for my narrow preference, let me assure you. Since my 1st relationship, sex has been something I put up with to have a relationship. I went to therapy, but it didn’t help much. I have never made any woman self conscious about her genitalia no matter how godawful I felt about it. This my cross to bear in life. I have missed out for most of my adult years on one of life’s greatest pleasures that for me was transformed into something that I grudgingly endure. Most of my male friends had a remarkably pleasurable sojourn with many women and that reminds me of what I have missed out on.
So ladies, if he does not like what your lady parts look like, he is the one who is going to have to suffer. If he is looking for a good woman who also has a “perfect genitalia”, he can look a lifetime and not find one.
January 1st, 2012 at 4:20 am
I am almost 60 years old. I have been with a fair amount of woman in my life. All colors and persuasions. I have never seen a vagina that I did not grow to love and adore. Because it was a part of the woman I had grown to love and adore.
Occasionally a few had very strong aroma, but it was usually a medical condition from poor body chemistry balanced (caused by diet or stress) or a yeast infection. I always gently discussed with my girlfriend and with a little attention the issue was resolved.
Other than that long lips, small lips, large amount of hair, sparse hair, I never consider this organ could ever be considered “ugly”.
NOTE: The current trend to shave the vulva totally turns me off. I don’t want to be with a prepubescent girl I want to be with a woman. And the 5 o’clock stubble really sucks.
January 4th, 2012 at 9:58 am
Spare of thought for the men of this world, like myself and Marcus.
I have been involved with two women in my recent past, both of whom I cared for very much. Both had Brazilian waxes, but one had an enlarged inner labia and one didn’t. When I found it difficult to “perform” for the girl with the enlarged inner labia I thought something was wrong with me! She is absolutely gorgeous too, so it got me thinking; has years of watching porn (as males do) conditioned me to only find the “perfect” type of vagina attractive?
As it turns out it, yes it probably has. It was something I just couldn’t get past. I would literally lose wood if I looked at it. I felt too embarrassed to say anything to her, I instead pretended to enjoy it and have since moved on. To this very day she does not know how I felt about it and why, I wouldn’t even know how to begin such a conversation.
This, ladies, is the male psyche. Sure we can be judgmental assholes and have unrealistic expectations but please remember we can not help it sometimes either!
January 4th, 2012 at 10:09 am
^ It probably is porn’s fault.
I guess I was a little put off the first time I experienced larger, darker inner labia. My mental trick was to go tactile. Close my eyes and think about how it felt against my fingers. She was so wet, and there was so much to play with, and it felt great. Two minutes later I was going down on her and loving it, and this was never a problem for me again.
Good thing, too, because I tend to date exotic women. Darker labes come with the territory. Why would a woman whose skin is brown everywhere else have a pink pussy!? Ridiculous to be surprised by that.
January 8th, 2012 at 11:24 pm
I am one of hopefully the many women out there who is discourages with how our area looks. When i first noticed my problem i thought i would grow into it but i didnt. I have come to realize that it will never go away. I feel like men compare us true women to the porn models. It hurts me a lot to know that I am not good enough for men. I just want to find a guy who loves my body completely and rather look at me then porn
January 13th, 2012 at 3:23 pm
For the last 3 years of my 6 yr marriage I have lived with this shame. After the birth of my twins my vagina looks different… He makes sure I know it every day. Blown Out. Roast Beef. Wrinkley, saggy cunt. Looks like you have a dick instead of a pussy. Bolonga lips. I could go on for years with the things he has to say to me. Sometimes I think a different man would love me anyway… But from these comments, it appears that is untrue. I am 28 years old. My husband has a girlfriend because my vagina is too ugly. I will never have sex again.
January 13th, 2012 at 5:33 pm
^ Another man WOULD love you. Not “anyway.” Just plain, another man would love you. Hell, if the new guy were just a negligent, thoughtless, emotionally absent, sexually inept slob, he’d still be a step up from the guy you’ve got now.
Seriously though, your “husband” is abusing you regularly, and his girlfriend is up next. He’s a cruel person. Imagine the effect this is going to have on your twins. You can’t live like this. You have to leave.
January 13th, 2012 at 5:36 pm
^ Also – vagina-related nasty names aren’t the only names he calls you, am I right? That’s not the only thing he’s mean to you about, is it? Point is, it’s not your vagina. It’s HIM.
January 13th, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Johnny,
You are right about nasty names. Some are just more humiliating than others. I nevet imagined in a million years that my body could be used against me in this way. I used to be so happy. Maybe someday Ill afford surgery. As for the girlfriend, shes perfect in every way. Trust me, Ive been forced to see it. Thanks for your words of encouragment.
January 14th, 2012 at 7:36 am
Julie, leave him, take the twins and go for a friends or family or even a hostel (he may not be physically aggressive as yet(or is he?) but this is definitely emotional abuse and I would imagine services for domestic abuse wouldn’t make the distinction and a verbally abusive man is likely to become physically abusive if he is allowed to get away with it) find some free or cheap advice on divorce and child maintenance and custody etc. I’m in the UK so I can’t recommend organisations who will help you but I’m sure someone else reading this will know. If it were me I wouldn’t want someone like this influencing my children, if you have boys they will learn that they can treat women this way, if girls they learn that a woman has to put up with this and may end up abused themselves later in life or your husband may turn his vitriol onto your children.. For your own sake and your childrens you need to leave this toxic man, no-one deserves this kind of treatment.
January 14th, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Thank you
January 15th, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Guys get ripped on their package size way more than women do on this and you KNOW people.Heck judging a guy on his size has been the butt of jokes for decades and now is socially acceptable and seen as female empowerment by many.Bash away we know you will and we know you enjoy it! We also know that women are often some of the biggest hypocrites,sexists and cruel,heartless beings on earth.Some of us have proven this,yet it is always the women who get round table discussions on how THEY can feel better about themselves.