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Your Weekly Stars: 07-05-11

Tue, Jul 5, 2011

Advice, Horoscopes

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sure, go right ahead and open your heart to that hottie you just met. Tell them all your hopes and dreams; admit to your deepest, darkest secrets; show them the porn collection under your bed; invite them home to meet your weird parents; leave a toothbrush in their bathroom; ask them their opinion on joint checking accounts. Just don’t come crying to us when that hottie departs so fast they leave skid marks.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Someone you meet this week could turn out to be Mr. or Mrs. Right. But our lawyers insist that we also mention that this Mr. or Mrs. may also have any of the following: a criminal record (don’t worry, it’s probably just forgery or something); an affinity for fart jokes; a naive belief in email chain letter good luck charms; body odor; mother “issues”; weird hair; and/or a tendency to overuse the phrase “pardon my French.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Unclench your fists, stop grinding your teeth, and quit squeezing your sphincter muscles. Take a yoga class. Drink some herbal tea. Do something. This tense organizational energy may have helped you trap a hottie, but keep it up and they’re going to start gnawing their own leg off just to get away from your uptight ass.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You have free reign this week. You can do whatever you want and you’ll pretty much get a favorable response. But let’s not take this too literally, people. Picking your nose in public and without shame on a first date probably won’t guarantee you a second, even though the stars are shining on you right now. However, accidentally tooting in front of a new partner will most likely only endear you to them. Appreciate your power, don’t abuse it.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
So you’re tired of being lonely? Welcome to the club ‚ÄĒ you get a special hat and everything. The rules of Lonely Club are as follows: 1. You don’t talk about Lonely Club (especially to unsuspecting bartenders after one too many white wine spritzers). 2. You don’t try to leave Lonely Club by sleeping with someone, unless said person is also a member of Lonely Club. 3. You don’t talk about Lonely Club (except to your therapist, priest, or best friend).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The stars say pleasant surprises are in the air if you just go on that online or blind date this week. They say if you go with the flow you will find yourself in a very interesting position regarding love. Like doggie or the wheelbarrow.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
According to the stars, you’ll be so sensual this week that it will be difficult for anyone not to notice you. Apparently now is the time to make your move if someone interests you. That’s great news, but can we make a few requests while you go about being all sensual? Try not to overdose on the musk fragrance, try not to be “sensual” in a crowded elevator (personal space, people!), and if you’re going to have sex to Kenny G, will you at least play his most recent album? That’s our favorite.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will be full of great ideas this week. If you are on the go all the time, however, it will be difficult for those interested in you to keep up. Stop and smell the rose-scented shampoo in your lover’s pubic curls.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Be eager to please this week. Not in a mushy, where’s-my-self-worth kind of way ‚ÄĒ more like a helpful, polite, unselfish kind of way. Because we don’t care what the reports say: mushy, where’s-my- self-worth people don’t get laid; helpful, polite, unselfish people do.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Hmmm. The stars say that you will attract any lover you want this week. But frankly, we think that’s going a bit too far. Any lover you want? Come on. We doubt you’ll be able to hook up with, say, a Calvin Klein model or Pat from Marketing ‚ÄĒ way out of your league. But perhaps the stars meant to say that the person or the thing that you’ve been craving recently can finally be yours this week if you just try to grab it. That sounds much more reasonable, don’t you think?

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re on the verge of a whirlwind romance. Lucky you!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Anxiety is abut as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means. ) If you want to get laid anytime soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least, do whatever’s legal.

 

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