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Dear Em & Lo: Can I Give My Booty Call Some Ground Rules?

Wed, Aug 17, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

photo by Helga Weber

Dear Em & Lo,

I have a friend with benefits who also has other friends with benefits. One of them called me on the phone last night and was threatening me. I called him right up and he apologized and said he would talk to her about it, but should I just let it go? I don’t know anything about their relationship, but I know that he is very honest with me and he is a great friend. I just don’t like thinking that I am something he is trying to hide. Is it maybe time to sit down and “talk”? One of the things I really like about this relationship is that we don’t talk about our feelings and we don’t get into these intense relationship conversations: it is just an easy, fun friendship. I just don’t like the thought that I am going to be getting phone calls from his other “friends” when I am trying to get my beauty rest.

–Betty Booty

Dear BB,

Some people like to think that the first rule of Booty Call Club is, you don’t talk about Booty Call Club. But just because you’re not in a serious relationship doesn’t mean you don’t get to have some ground rules. Being friends with benefits is a kind of relationship, and all relationships — with your friends, with your family, with your hair stylist — require some degree of maintenance. There’s no need to get all heavy on your FWB and tell him, “We need to talk” — but you are allowed to ask him how many other women are in his current rotation.

Of course, he may well tell you it’s none of your business, in which case you’re free to tell him that he’ll be having no more of your business. But for the sake of your sexual health, we think it’s good to know. (Especially because, in our experience, guys who are less than scrupulous when it comes to the heart and mind aspect of relationships also tend to be less than scrupulous when it comes to the genitals part.)

But more importantly than that, it sounds to us like your FWB is not as footloose and booty-free as he might have let you believe. And this you definitely have a right to know about. It’s one thing to have crazy hot commitment-free sex with a booty buddy — but it’s a whole other thing to be “the other woman” and not know it. Just because you don’t want a relationship with this guy doesn’t mean you’re up for being a home-wrecker. And it sounds to us like you might just be the other woman…or at least, someone out there thinks you’re the other woman. And really, what’s the diff?

Your friends, no benefits,
Em & Lo

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5 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo: Can I Give My Booty Call Some Ground Rules?”

  1. philipp Says:

    “And it sounds to us like you might just be the other woman…or at least, someone out there thinks you’re the other woman. And really, what’s the diff?”

    The diff is that I see no reason to let go of a perfectly nice booty call just because somebody else thinks she’s his girlfriend :) I would talk to the guy, the important part, to me, is not whether SHE thinks she’s his GF, but what HE thinks.

    Yes, he may be lying to you, but so might she. Who do you trust more, the crazy girl on the phone or your friend?

  2. cs Says:

    “And it sounds to us like you might just be the other woman…or at least, someone out there thinks you’re the other woman. And really, what’s the diff?”

    I have to agree with Philipp. It is possible that he has not been honest with this other woman about the nature of their relationship but it sounds like he’s been very honest with you about the nature of your relationship. Given your DIRECT experience with this guy, I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions about him misleading anyone (seems like that would be a bit out of character, wouldn’t it?).

    See what happens with this woman and how he responds. It sounds like his initial response wasn’t bad. This isn’t an “either/or” situation. And above all, trust yourself (and that includes trusting yourself to honestly assess whether or not your OK with being in the Booty Call Club).

  3. Miriam Says:

    Also agreed with Philipp. In my opinion, that other woman already ruined any credibility she may have had by calling and making threatening remarks rather than talking about it like an adult.

  4. White Rabbit Says:

    Unlike the other commentors, I wouldn’t be so quick to trust this guy.

    I just dumped a cheating louse who was VERY good at “compartmentalizing” and convincing the various women he was seeing that the others were “just friends.” In a more emotional moment, I easily could have slipped and made a regrettable call. I wouldn’t have made threats, but then, if she IS his gf, who knows what he’s put in her head about the fwb. LW, are there other clues that can help you reconstruct the truth?

    And commentors – why so flippant? If this guy IS cheating on a gf, he doesn’t deserve a fun, carefree summer fling with thr LW.

    When I was younger and stupider, a guy with a serious gf went out of his way to romance me and convince me he was “torn ” and falling for me. After bedding me, he lost interest, but I felt guilty and wanted us to come clean. His tactic? Tell his gf and family that I had chased after and seduced him, effectively turning them against me. No real loss there, but a valuable lesson learned.

  5. Diz Says:

    Gosh. This takes me back to when I was really into this guy who was my friend with benefits for the latter part of my teens. We were having fun and not taking it to a serious place as he didn’t want to and I found a way to be okay with that too.

    What was NOT OKAY was his crazy ex attacking me on the dancefloor one night out. I new they had gone out for a long time and he had explained to me that they had split up a while and that was it. I didn’t know her apart from she was friends with some of our mates. He told me that she was bonkers and that there was nothing going on.I wrote her off as quite insane and went through about two years of believing this guy, having on and off booty flings with him, getting bitched at by her when she saw me anywhere, until… finally, she was having a go at me one time (people kept telling her whenever me and him hooked up) but this time I actually talked to her about it properly because she was explaining that he had been telling her the whole time that I was doing exactly what she was doing! He had been playing around with both of us for aaaaages and we’d both been thinking the other was some scheming crazy cow. Boy, that was the best sisterhood moment of my life.

    Me and her are good mates now, and I do see him around but I feel awkward as fuck around him as he lied so convincingly to both of us for so long. He’s not a 100% bad guy, he’s just selfish and slimey and wanted to have his cake and eat it. Geez. Makes me feel so stupid now but I guess I wanna put my bit in and say that sometimes in the land of BootyCall, all is not what it seems.


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