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Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Higher Than His?

Tue, Aug 9, 2011

Advice, Wise Guys

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What would most guys think about dating a woman whose sex drive was higher than his? Would it be awesome? Annoying? Lead to insecurities? Make you think less (or more) of her? All of the above?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): Not possible, right? (What sex drive is higher than wanting it all the time?) Actually, as awesome as this sounds at first glance for the stereotypical hornball guy, in reality any dissonance in sex drive can be challenging on many levels (I’ve been on both sides of it to at least some degree). Feeling attractive and desired is unquestionably wonderful, but if someone simply happens to be in the mood less frequently, it can be uncomfortable for all involved. In the gender roles here, the guy might feel that he’s perpetually disappointing, while the girl might easily start to feel insecure emotionally and physically over why every opportunity isn’t taken.

With a strong enough couple and commitment, though, a variance in sex drive is hardly insurmountable. Communication and genuine willing flexibility can certainly overcome the challenges and leave everyone more than fulfilled.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Most guys would probably love it if the woman they were dating had a high sex drive. I mean, isn’t that part of the fantasy of women in porn? A hyper-sexualized woman? I think it would only lead to insecurity if the man himself were insecure.

Straight Married Guy (David Felsen): A) First of all, that’s just impossible. No. Wait. There was this South African woman who nearly broke me. Serves me right for dating a rolfer. I still get panic attacks whenever I hear a voo voo zela.

B) Trust me, there’s nothing “awesome” about a dislocated sacrum, a desiccated scrotum, and a deviated vas deferens. If you see a guy hunched sideways at a urinal or a tree holding a right angle and two golden raisins, it’s me. And yes, it’s “annoying.” I can’t say her libido “lead to insecurities,” as that started when my sister told me I was adopted.

C) “Think less of her?” I wouldn’t dare. I hope she’s found another guy to love…to death.

D) “All of the above.”

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is NY writer-comedian David Felsen; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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42 Responses to “Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Higher Than His?”

  1. Dannie Says:

    Come on, guys. This is more common than you like to pretend. And I have to say, it can be hard to cope with for the woman. Insecurity? That’s a personal problem. Feeling less valued every time you get the cold shoulder and made to feel like you have no right to have more desire than him? That can hurt. And no, not all women who have higher sex drives than their (hetero)partners are hypersexual; believe it or not, there are some guys who are happy with once a day or less, once or twice a week. Or even less. Or maybe it’s just a period of time where his libido has crashed because of medicine, or depression (what? Men have emotions? I know, right?!?), or physical health problems, or work has just been INSANE–but why does he even need an excuse? Guys should feel less pressure to want it all the time, just as much as girls should feel less pressure to be reserved.

  2. Johnny Says:

    Mismatched libidos are one of costs of doing business if you are monogamous. The obvious answer is to open the relationship a tad, but very few people want to hear that.

  3. Jen Says:


    I’ve kept this tab open for a long time on my window thinking of how to write this.

    I think this is a load of bullocks. I am married and I think it is safe to say my sex drive is much higher than my husbands. And no my husband does not hang halfway over urinals, nor is his genitals damaged by any of my doing. Thanks for making me sound like a wild animal though, that’s really encouraging to allow women to have a libido.

    With that here’s a glimpse at our life.

    Our sex life is great, the two of us have a very open communication of what feels good and what feels great. However we both also know when the other is too tired for sex. More than not its me knowing when my other needs a break. Having sex is not a chore my husband has to check off his list, but an experience we both enjoy, a lot. I must tell the truth he looks forward to that week of cramps and menstruation because sex is the furthest thing from my mind and he gets a “break” but sure enough after only four days he’s still pawing at me. Sure there are at times a feeling for him to preform, but it comes with the awareness of his current needs and my libido. It would be outrageous to think that every time I wanted sex I would get it, much like it is outrageous to think that every time a man wants sex the woman *must* put out. And I think that outrageous statement is what is behind these “advice answers.” There needs to be room in a relationship for a woman to say, “No” just as much as there needs to be room in a relationship for a man to say, “I’m too tired.” And in my relationship there’s plenty of room for that, along with acceptance, commitment, and consent.

  4. Dannie Says:

    My vote is in for Jen to have comment of the week, Em and Lo.

  5. Tess Says:

    I vote for Jen too!

  6. emandlo Says:

    If not this week, then next!

  7. Kat Says:

    I’m with Jen too.

    I read these wise guys for a little insight into the male psyche, not for stereotypical caveman posturing. Shocked that these gentlemen managed to refrain from using the charming “nympho”.

    My bf does not have as high a sex drive as I do either, in addition to having to work 14 hours days on occasion. I respect him enough to not whine or pressure him when he’s clearly not in the mood or just too damn tired. Frankly, I’d rather run a little hot for a few days until we’re both into it, or, you know, take matters into my own hands if I’m climbing the walls. Sex is always better when both partners are cheerfully and willfully participating. 3 pumps and a grunted “did that do it for ya baby?” is far from satisfying even if it does result in orgasm. I’ll take great sex over a service job any day of the week, even if only once a week.

    Different libidos but yet somehow, even after all these years, we can both still honestly say that we have a great sex life.

  8. BCofUIMHere Says:

    (sigh) Of course there are women with a higher sex drive than their partners. And usually it’s *not* seen as a good thing. (I was once dumped on the floor by a guy who screamed, Get off me, you f-ing nympho! ) Most guys talk a good game about wanting a woman with a high libido; I have yet to meet any guy proved he thought it was an asset in reality.

    Unfortunately, it’s not a just a problem with monogamy. Having more than one partner can also means the possibility of another partner with a lower libido.

    LOL to Jen! Like you, I’ve never physically damaged anyone (permanently), but being described as an insect/arachnid (the creatures who actually love their mates to death are praying mantises and black widow spiders) is not as sex positive as it sounds. Oh, wait… yes it is. :P

    But I hope one day to be as lucky as Jen to find a mate… I mean husband, with whom she has such compatibility, despite a libido mismatch.

    Until then, I will keep putting extra pillows on the floor beside the bed. ;)

  9. Bliss Says:

    Put me in the “I’m-With-Jen-Camp.”

    I’m in my first sexual relationship and I plan on marrying my man. Being relatively virginal into my mid twenties, I had plenty of opportunities to hear, read, visualize and chat about the inexhaustible libido of men. It was intimidating, to say the lease and something I thought a lot about, knowing that my partner and I were headed into a sexual relationship. Only a few years older than I, it was a worry that my partner would always-always-always! want sex and that I wouldn’t. Would there be a wedge driven between us because of the difference in our libido?

    Then something surprising happened. I had sex, it was great and I wanted more. And I want it more often than my partner. Wow.

    But because both my partner and I are planning for the long road, and because we believe in the sanctity and absolutely necessity of open communication, this reversal in libido gender roles for us has actually been rather fun. And because we’re talking, and loving honestly and with humor, its okay if I wanna, and he doesn’t, or I’m tired and he’s not. We’re working through it, and its a testament to what good communication can do.

    I also just want to say real quickly though, that just because my libido is higher than that of my heterosexual partner, that doesn’t make me some sex-crazed, wild-eyed, penis-damaging succubus willing to sacrifice any man, much less her man, in my mad pursuit of sexual satisfaction. David Felsen, grown up. Please.

  10. figleaf Says:

    I don’t usually swear but dear sweet mother of pearl the last thing anybody wants, least of all men, is a partner who wants more sex than they do.

    Also, clue for the clueless: when I first started reading sex-related blogs six or seven years ago I was struck by the extraordinary number written by women in despair about their male partner’s inability to keep up. And guess what? Most of those women were over 30. Quite a few were over 40. Some were over 50. A few were over 60.

    And wowzie were they by and large ticked off!

    Clue #2 for the clueless: guess which member of a heterosexual couple is most likely to instigate sex therapy for men with fading libidos and/or erectile dysfunction? It’s not the men.

    What’s hardest of all is that we’ve got plenty of social scripting for the “classic” men-want-more-than-women circumstance. Which gives men very little support when it happens to them. Which, chances are very good, it eventually will.

    In other words, a word for the wise(guys): be careful what you wish for. You’re very likely to get it.


  11. Hope Says:

    As this article wasn’t very helpful, and I’ve only just started reading things on the subject. My husband is happy with sex once ever 2 to 3 months. That’s right months. We’ve been married 3 years (next week) and we’re only 25.

    It drives me bonkers, as I feel left out, insufficient, unwanted, rejected, you name it, I’ve felt it. I haven’t figured out a coping method, I’m not sure I want to.

    Though I can’t justifiably leave some one for not wanting to have sex with me. I can’t justifiably stay if my needs aren’t being met.

    A couple months after we were married, he agreed to an open relationship (I know you guys are all thinking he’s getting it else where, I can guarantee he is not). Why this takes care of somethings, I still desperately miss the closeness of some one you love.

  12. the_unforgiven Says:

    This article is pretty sexist, as if men are just walking horn dogs.

    And avoiding stating some obvious truths… that many men aren’t as attracted to the women they are with. Actually, some are quite annoyed.

    The #1 thing about this article is that men complain about this all the time, and you know the answer that comes back? Its men’s fault. They need to learn how to turn her on, how to make her feel sexy, how to do this or do that to get their woman to have more sex, how not to piss her off, how not to annoy her, how to help her… etc

    It works both ways. Or should i just jump on the band wagon and say its always a man’s fault?

  13. Lovereaction Says:

    No man can keep up with my libido, and that is not a good thing.

  14. White Rabbit Says:

    Wow. More angry negativity from the_unforgiven (Kyle??) Surprise, surprise.

    Really?? Some aren’t as attracted, or are quite annoyed??? If my guy felt that way, I’d want him to TALK to me about it, and if couldn’t be resolved, BREAK UP. Your comment seems to imply that you would just let your unexpressed resentment fester, which is in keeping with your angry, self-righteous attitude.

    And again, you missed the spirit of the post. Sometimes people’s libidos are just mismatched. No one is “right” or “wrong,” it just is, and it can be difficult to negotiate.

    Once again, I don’t see a positive contribution in your comments, aside from a reminder to continue to steer clear of angry, resentful men like you. : /

  15. Tomio Black Says:

    First, who cares what “most guys” think? The only guy who matters is the one in the given relationship that is being discussed.

    Second, there is not a couple on earth whose sex drive matches exactly. I would guess that something in like half of those couples, it is the woman who has the higher sex drive.

    Third, anyone who claims anything other than points one and two is simply being sophomoric. Not only is that not helpful, but it perpetuates hurtful stereotypes.

    Finally, whatever the mismatch is in any given couple – whether its sex drive or love of vegetables – the way to deal with it is to communicate openly and honestly about your needs and desires. Then, with love and respect for the other partner, you arrive at a compromise that meets everyone’s needs without oppressing anyone.

  16. Kristyn Says:

    You know I expected better than this from this article. I thought it would be interesting to see from a guy’s perspective what they think about it–and apparently it is that if you have a high libido you’re a man eating succubus who sucks their energy out and breaks their junk (which really why would we want to break it if we want more? xD).


  17. Jess Says:

    Well, now, isn’t this a disappointing pile of crap article. I spent many of my sexually formative years reading Em & Lo, so I thought this would be a perfect safe haven to get some advice and understanding about a sex drive mismatch. Instead, I’m confronted by three insensitive, posturing, out of touch jackasses. Awesome.

    I’ve had two relationships end because of a severe sex drive mismatch, wherein I am the one who wants more sex and my male partners feel insecure, upset, or just shut down when they don’t want it as much. My current relationship has been opened up in a bid to ease the pressure, after counselling didn’t help, but I still intend on ending the relationship because it’s just not working.

    I am not some crazy, ball-busting nympho. I want sex once a day in an ideal world. I would take every other day happily. For the man I love, I would go down to once a week, so long as it was enjoyable. But I can’t get that because as soon as a man knows that I want sex that frequently, they freak out until nothing can calm them back down to sanity. And you know why they freak out? It isn’t because of any pressure I’m putting on them. It’s because of the pressure put on them by articles like this that continues to perpetuate the notion that any man who isn’t a horndog who wants sex every minute of every day is less of a man.

    Women’s magazines tell women all the time to keep their man happy in bed. Even if we’re not in the mood, we’re told, we should be respecting our partner’s sexuality with blow jobs and hand jobs and open communication. Men are not told the same. Men are told that they should always be up for it and have to try to convince their women to get on board.

    So my man doesn’t get the message that my sexuality is not something ugly or a hardship. He doesn’t hear that it’s okay for men to just respect his partner’s need to masturbate if he isn’t in the mood, or even to help her along. So what we end up with is a complete impasse between my needs and what he believes he should be wanting to do. If he doesn’t want intercourse, we don’t do anything sexual. The longer we don’t do anything sexual, the worse he feels and the angrier I get. It’s an awesome dynamic.

    In short: Screw you, “Wise Guys”, for being just another member of the “Screw up relationships with your unrealistic portrayals of gendered sexuality” mob of idiots. I don’t know you, but I kind of hate you.

  18. Justin Says:

    This is an interesting article, and I think a vital point in it just shows the importance of talking to each other.

    Jess, I really like your comment. Men and women are told different things. I think to an extent, these are things that can hold some relationships together, but I think it is meant for idiots. Again it all comes down to talking. I haven’t really heard someone put it like that. I am in a relationship with a women who has a higher sex drive then me. I do not feel weaker for it, or like less of a man. I don’t feel like the stereotypical man’s man, but it doesn’t bother me. When she is in the mood though and I am not, I usually try, with her help sometimes, to get in the mood and satisfy her. Which for us, its ok, I enjoy pleasing her even if I am not really into the sex at the moment. I could see how it could bother some guys.

    I do think though that we will be talking about this soon. Being comfortable sexually with someone is an amazing thing, especially with all of the expectations, hoops, taboos, and what not society creates. I see nothing wrong with, as a guy, helping satisfy her. Plus, it would keep sex from ever being forced.I feel dumb for not ever trying it.

  19. Shelley Says:

    Justin: Just last night I confessed to my fiance that I was feeling insecure about how desireable I truly was to him because I realized that I was the one who usually initiates sex. He has NEVER denied me, and he has ALWAYS made love to me. I was really concentrating on gender roles and thought ours was backwards and must mean something. He simply told me that I had a stronger sex drive than him, and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me or doesn’t want me or doesn’t find me desireable. Still, I felt hurt – not really believing him because I was so hell bent on gender roles. Reading your post gave me a whole different perspective. He always tries, like you, and always pleases me – even though I instigate, which proves to me that just becuase his libido may not be as “active” as mine, he wants to please me, because he loves me, and deep down, I know this, and now I feel TERRIBLE that I internalized what I was thinking, and I’m looking forward to sharing with him what I’ve come to realize – thanks to you. Kuddos Justin and thank you for sharing!

  20. Arcadia Says:

    And now, I’m going to describe the other side of the spectrum. I have a very, very high sex drive. So does my husband. However, we had some problems two years ago, and my sex drive has gone down significantly. We almost got a divorce. I love him, I always will, but now he’s wanting it 1-3 times a day, and I only want it a couple times a week.

    He feels bad, always saying that he never wants to force me. I feel bad if I’m not in the mood either. We’re finally finding a middle ground of sorts.

    He especially hates it when I’m dealing with ‘that time of the month’, and gets…antsy. We’ve both agreed that the best method for him would be to get him a fleshlight. That way, he can get the pleasure/release he seeks, and I can help without feeling bad. Plus, it’s actually a hell of a turn on.

    Also, kudos to Jen, Justin, and Jess! Very well written!

  21. Codi Says:

    Yikes, does this hit close to home!! I’m constantly battling ways to overcome our different libidos between my bf and I. He is happily content with sex 1-3 times a month, whereas I’m craving it AT LEAST once a day! I’ve tried every avenue to accommodate our varying needs, but the compromise is a struggle.

  22. Leigh Says:

    I’m just another gal weighing in on the side of having a higher libido than my ex-husband’s and some other male partners I’ve had over the years. I have had more balanced relationships and can say that it makes a big difference when we’ve both valued connection. I am now in my 50′s and can say that the lack of male libido and erectile disfunction (in men usually over 45) is a well kept secret in our society. The bad boy/’men will be men’ image is kept alive and well. These guy’s comments are living proof. They haven’t a clue.

  23. donna r Says:

    I had to laugh when I read this..I’m alittle over a year into a relationship..and my boyfriend would be perfectly satisfied with sex once a month..or two. I’m serious! He’s exhausted from work (he’s in construction) and although we’ve had many conversations about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that we are human. I am in my late 40′s and he is in his early 40′s and no, he’s not cheating. He knows I want more, and has occasionally set his alarm earlier in the morning just to take care of business but the truth is it is a problem. Thankfully, we discuss it and are very affectionate and loving, cuddle every night etc. I don’t think this is unique to couples our age, and I don’t think it’s a health issue or a cheating issue..it’s just how it is. I’m with Jen on this stuff.

  24. Linda Says:

    I do agree and sympathize with the above comments. Our sexual appetites seemed to have diverged once we started working. I for one was still energetic enough to be in the mood a few times a week and he was so exhausted after work it was once every few months if even – and we are newlyweds too. I do think Energy levels have a huge part to play. On vacations when he has had more sleep it does seem to make a moderate difference, and when we were dating in undergrad we sure as hell did it a lot more! I’m stumped. I did used to feel hurt, rejected and devalued but now have just sadly accepted it. :(

  25. Megan Says:

    I am so happy to read in the comments how many other women are experiencing what I am experiencing….that this is more common than I thought. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have sex maybe once a month but it is usually every other month. I want it more frequently than that, like every other day. When we first started dating we were on the new relationship “high” and had sex every day, sometimes more than once a day. We have discussed this issue but haven’t made any progress. I woke up this morning, ready to leave, feeling so insecure and fed up. But I love him, I don’t want our relationship to end. Hearing that this experience is not unique to me makes me feel better, and that I could accept it.

  26. donna r Says:

    Hang in there Megan! I know how you feel…many of us do. I think it’s really hard on the guys too because society is full of ‘men want it’ stuff and that whole Fifty Shades of Gray sure doesn’t help women like us lol. I think if I bought the book, my poor guy would be running out the door lol. You are NOT the only one. I would suggest sitting down and telling him around what period of time you start feeling badly about it. If after 3wks..or 1wk..you start feeling the same old frustration and upset, tell him THAT’S when you begin your anguish over it. Maybe you can find a middle ground? (I’m trying as well lol) Also, check his computer for porn..you’d be surprised how many guys will take the ‘lazy way’ out instead of coming to their partner. It’s very upsetting to feel rejected (women are not used to being sexually dismissed!) but keep talking about it in moments you are able to! Good Luck!!!

  27. Ash Says:

    I’ve never been so happy to hear others are in the same situation as myself. I also woke up this morning just fed up and ready to leave my partner. We have been together two years now. I am in my early twenties and he is 11 years older in his early thirties. I would more than happily have it multiple times a day however my partner maybe once every two weeks. I get so upset and ashamed of myself when he turns me down at night saying hes too tired. I always think i’m not ‘doing it for him’ based on stereotypes however he always assures me that he loves having sex with me and he is attracted to me however he is just sleepy. I must admit i have done the cardinal rule not to do; get made. I get so angry i sometimes storm out of the bedroom just because i feel i cant be around him anymore. I wish it was easier and just like the beginning of our relationship when he would initiate sex with me every day.

  28. June Says:

    Wow it’s great to know I’m not the only one facing this issue! I woke up this morning feel upset as my bf and I haven’t had sex for a week. He seems to be able to easily get by without it but after a few days I start climbing the walls.
    I was in a similar situation in my early 20′s, I adored my bf at the time but he could easily go 2 wks to a month without it. It eventually ended because we went away for the weekend together and both nights ended with him asleep before midnight and me sat up feeling upset. I decided at 21 I couldn’t cope and so I ended it.
    Now at 30 I find myself in the same situation again, ironically my previous partner had a higher sex drive than me. In that relationship I even felt overwhelmed and kind of like an object to be used as required (we were averaging 3 times a day).
    And so now I’m in a relationship where it’s more like once or twice a week it’s pretty tough to get used to.
    I’ve communicated with my partner on this several times, he’s always helpful and supportive. For him when work is stressful he doesn’t feel like it, this is often hard for me to comprehend as when I’m stressed I want it more!
    This is something I know we have to work at, as having been on both sides of this type of thing before I’ve learned it’s quite normal to have mismatched libidos.
    I’m just still trying to work out how to deal with it without making him feel pressured to do it and without me feeling upset and insecure about it all the time. It’s a toughie! But as I said a feel a little reassured knowing I’m not the only woman out there facing this, good luck all ;)

  29. Amy Says:

    It is somewhat comforting to know others are dealing with the same issues. I apparently have the higher libido in my relationship. I would like to have sex at least 4-5 days a week but it occurs on average once every 6-8 weeks. I’ve discussed my feelings with him. His response was that if I want sex he will give it to me but I must take it from him? I’m wondering if anyone has an opinion on his response? I don’t want to just take it….his response made me feel a whole array of emotions. What should I do???

  30. Hells Says:

    I came across this article after reading another that compared men’s and women’s sex drives:
    It bugged me so much – I thought I’d dig around to see what other discussions I could find that discussed women’s sex drives. Overall, it’s been highly disappointing. Like the Wise Guys here – men seem to think women having a higher sex drive than men is unusual.
    But, from what I’ve read and my own personal experience I think it’s just that women don’t tend to admit to having high libidos. I talk quite frankly with my girlfriends and most of them have higher sex drives than their men. It makes sense too – what with being able to have multiple organisms and not having to pause for erection recovery.
    I’m not sure it’s a men verses women issue – I think it’s a high libido verses low libido issue – and that’s down the the individual.

    And in reality – I think the only real difference between genders and sex drives are how they’re represented. Meaning, men are encouraged to talk freely about sexual desire and masturbation and women aren’t.

  31. Re Says:

    I am 29 and my boyfriend is 24. I have a way higher sex drive than he does. I’d love it every day. He’d be ok with a few times a week. Also, I don’t feel completely satisfied with 8 of intercourse. But I love him…We’ve tried to talk about it but it makes him feel insecure sometimes. When we first met it was long and amazing but now after a 2 yrs long distance it seems I’m the one asking for it all the times and sometimes he does feel like it’s a chore. :/

  32. Amy Says:

    I, like most of the women here, am in a similar situation. Having been used to very active sex lives with other partners, my current relationship (I am 30, he is 42) stunned me, and I wasn’t sure how to take it at first. There was no honeymoon phase from which frequency has decreased; it has increased over time, currently at approx two or three times per week. At first it was extremely hard as it was almost non-existent. Thing is, he doesn’t fit the male stereotype in this area, and in others as well. Which is actually refreshing now that I’ve opened myself up to that possibility (who would have thought?!) I’m no longer feeling pangs of rejection and embarrassment when sex doesn’t arise, and when we do have sex it’s fantastic, loving, playful, and usually- long. I’m appreciating the fact that this man first and foremost wants- and is motivated by- true intimacy rather than raw need or desire, that could potentially be less personal. I realized I was dating a gentleman, which blew me away. As we have grown closer in other ways, and have experienced more subtle, yet meaningful moments of intimacy, the sex has improved exponentially. Quality overall – is amazing, though it took a while to appreciate the fact that (in his words) ‘sometimes the hottest fires start with a slow burn’. And in terms of attraction and longevity, I’d have to agree.

  33. Wife Says:

    Like Donna says, check his computer for porn. His drive might not be as low as you think.

  34. Johnny Says:

    ^ That’s what I was thinking – if he’s whacking off all that regularly, his drive isn’t the problem.

  35. Haydos Says:

    @Jess & a lot of other women on here – The reason your man is intimidated by your frequent need of sex is because Women have ‘great expectations’ when it comes to sex & a womans sexual arousal is much more ‘complex’ than a mans. For a women to be satisfied, the man has to go above & beyond what he needs to be sexually aroused. Along the lines of candles, kissing, touching, having to last. Now women out there? Could you imagine how hard it would be having to hold off an orgasm that is coming naturally, really think about it… Because I bet none of you have had to even had to try & do it.

    So when a man that is aware of his womens sexual needs is trying to live up to that expectation every night, you guessed it… it can make a man tired, insecure & can drive them insane.

    Men that can go 7 days a week are extremely confident in their ability, have a lot of extra energy/are fit & healthy, & have a very stable mood.

    Hope I helped :P , signed by a man.

  36. Claire Says:

    @Haydos, your comment above is totally ridiculous! Not all women want the candles and cuddling ‘making love’- some of us want the fast and furious fucking. Another point I’d like to make is that it doesn’t have to be sex or nothing. There are many other ways women can feel sexually satisfied that require less input from their partner. What I would like from my partner is just to feel that we are participating in a sexual act together. If it’s just an orgasm I want well I can get that myself, so obviously if I’m asking for sex it means I want him… not just his penis.

  37. Aly Says:

    This article has both wonderful and not-so-wonderful opinions, but at least I know I am not alone.

    My situation is that my partner and I are just in our twenties; we have been dating for four years and both of us are very committed to each other. My partner works 6 days a week and I work too, but still I have a much higher sex drive than him- And I end up practically begging him for some sort of relief a few times a week. I, unintentionally, have made it feel like a chore for him, in which I feel horrible about. We now make love once a month or so, and when sexual contact is initiated it just ends up being sex, never foreplay or anything else involved anymore, and is always initiated by me. I know deep down he is tired from working, and won’t admit it. I have asked him, is it me? Am i doing something wrong, am I not good enough? And he reassures me I’m beautiful and am certainly good enough for him, and that he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want sex, he just doesn’t.

    Even though I’ve had reassurance, I still end up feeling rejected, and even guilty for wanting sex even though I shouldn’t, and it is leading into depression. I’ve tried spicing things up in various ways and being sexy, but I usually get brushed off and given some excuse or another.

    I don’t know what to do anymore.

    What’s worse is I was just diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, a condition in which an effect from it is a low libido. The medication for it increases libido naturally, and I am scared about how much worse it will make my situation if I am thinking about sex nearly all the time.

    I don’t think it’s normal for him just to go from wanting sex just as often as I did to suddenly never wanting it nor making sexual contact. And before anyone says hes cheating on me, the only time he isn’t around me is when he’s working (which could be some of the issue I don’t know, though he’s told me he’s sick of me or anything) and we live together, so there is virtually no way nor time for him to cheat on me.

    Other than our sex life we have a wonderful relationship full of communication, understanding laughing and cuddling, but when it comes to sex I now feel frustration and desperation and I don’t even know what he feels because he won’t talk about it.

    Mis-matched libidos just suck when you’re left alone every night to relieve yourself of desire that only your partner can satisfy.

  38. Jody Says:

    I have a very high sex drive i want it every night and morning im in my early 40s and my man likes it once a month masturbation seriously frustrates me as i like the personal contact am i alone in this!?

  39. Jessica Says:

    Was very interested to find this conversation. I’m relieved to read so many comments from people with similar situations.

    I’m 43 going through a separation/divorce. The marriage fell apart for many reasons but one contributing factor was mismatched sex drives. After a rollicking good start, his tapered off and, not being a particularly gifted communicator left me often feeling rejected, unattractive and frustrated, Not at all understanding what was going on and often assuming he wasn’t attracted to me and it was all my fault. Over the last 12 yrs we found ways to sort of address it and made some progress in finding a middle ground….sex toys did help.

    But At some point the problems became too much and I really asked myself if I was never going to feel that fun, hot, intense desire again….ever!?

    I left and fairly soon after I met a man who I thought could be the answer to every wish-list I’d ever made. We both fell hard for each other, and much hot sex resulted. Bliss!

    Now, 8 months into our relationship and a gap has started to form between our sex drives. I could still gladly spend most of the day in bed with him, while he’s thinking maybe 1-2 a week or less. The urgency has left and I’m starting to panic a little.

    Granted there are some other issues ….emotional, health, job and otherwise so I’m trying to be understanding and not put pressure on him. And daily sex is probably too much to expect in real life ;-) Time will tell…

    I did however just read an excellent book which addresses and debunks many myths about female sexuality. Can only recommend it “What Do Women Want? Adventures in The science of Female Desire” Daniel Bergner. At the very least it will ease any worries you might have about being a cock breaking nympho!

  40. george Says:

    I am 44 years old,I Have been with my girlfriend 5 years, her sex drive is much higher than mine, we split up like every six months,She thinks I am cheating on her if we don’t have sex daily, she makes stories up, I have tried to communicate, it’s not working, DO we just keep breaking up, and getting back together, I am tired, sometimes, she doesn’t understand, maybe she is nuts? $!#

  41. Dani Says:

    @Haydos, fyi, being a women with a much higher sex drive, I usually get myself off and one way to get a bigger better O is to hold off that naturally coming orgasm, so i can imagine and I have done it…several times, usually because I’ve been denied sex and need an amazing orgasm. Thank you lady’s, I’m so glad I read these comments I thought there was something wrong with me and now I know there’s not.

  42. Anon Says:

    I’m 34, husband is 42.

    Our sex drives are so opposite. We used to be active once a week when we first started dating. we have since had a kid, and we have plenty of opportunities, but he only wants to in mornings (I prefer night time).

    We went from oncea month to once every other month. He knows his medication makes his libido lower, but mine is at an all time high.

    When he drinks, he gets all interested, at night Will touch, and talk to me to get me interested but then will pass out and not follow through., leaving me extremely frustrated,

    He had surgery a couple of months ago and tells me he is more interested in sex… but acts disgusted if I try to start things. So I’m a huge ball of nerves, continually frustrated. He doesn’t like the idea of me masturbating to release my “steam” unless he’s taking part (but he doesn’t).

    Before anyone says it’s because I “put on weight”… I have actually LOST a lot of weight over the years since we started dating.

    I understand he might not want it every day – but at least every other week??

    So yes… It does happen!

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