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Your Call: How Can He Get a Date? (Or Become Dateable?)

Fri, Aug 19, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.

I am a 22 year old male college student about to enter my 5th year. I was not really into relationships and dating in high school or even before because the pickins were a bit sparse and everyone that was dateable was already in a relationship or just didn’t find me attractive. I fell in love a few times but either quickly saw things that I found unfavorable or let them pass without saying nothing. Then in college I thought I met the perfect girl but when I actually approached her about it, she turned out to be one of those stuck-up career-oriented girls and I can forgive the career-oriented part. Plus she wasn’t that into me. Since then, I have been looking for someone/something to fill that void. Then I tried looking at other girls but I quickly learned that my college is filled with girls like her who don’t want a relationship or have been in one since elementary school. I’ve put up with being pushed to the side for too long. Am I weird for never going on a date or being kissed at 22? I mean, am I that undateable? Is me never being in a relationship a turnoff for women my age? If I should start dating now, where can I go to find girls other than college because that pool has dried up for me at least. Please help before I end up the male equivalent of an old cat lady. Any help will be appreciated. Thanks!

– All By Myself

What should ABM do?

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28 Responses to “Your Call: How Can He Get a Date? (Or Become Dateable?)”

  1. Dannie Says:

    Stop being so focused on yourself and quit seeing girls as something to be achieved. Try thinking about them more as, oh, people who have their own goals and desires, much like yourself. From how you’re talking, you’re extremely picky; try giving real girls with whom you have real conversations a try, as in, oh, maybe asking them on a date. You not being in a relationship yet isn’t a turnoff; you whining and thinking it’s only because there aren’t enough of/the right kind girls ever around for you is.

  2. mf211 Says:

    Nicely done Dannie, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  3. J Says:

    Quit thinking of career-oriented as something to be forgiven!

  4. J Says:

    Actually, quit being a sexist pig in general. There were at least four comments in there that had me wincing.

  5. Dannie Says:

    Amen, J. I can’t help but think Em and Lo picked this question due in part to their desire to see readers react to it.

  6. mikey Says:

    Dude, its simple…
    Shave, shower and get your body into something resembling ‘in-shape’.
    Dress in clean clothes and never leave the house in shoes that look anything less than fresh out the box. Take care of your appearance and brush your teeth. Become addicted to mints.
    thats square one…
    Next you need to recognize that, right now, you are a self centered, whinny, socially inadequate, insecure, D-bag. And thats okay because you are embarking on changing that. You need to force yourself to socialize in light banter with people.

  7. mikey Says:

    you should start with women who are paid to talk to you, like at retail stores and stuff. Be nice, focus on ‘non-creepy’. For god’s sake, dont break eye contact, and smile … alot. You then progress to women who actually have a reason to talk to you – like girls in your classes, or whom you know from work or whatever. Keep in mind here that you are not just talking to the women who look attractive, rather you are talking to ALL of them. Its a well known fact that all women have a hot friend or cousin. That said, all the women you find attractive, you must force yourself to talk to or your insecurities and overall douchebaggery will increase, not decrease. And you are not asking for numbers or dates at this point – just trying to be more friendly and sociable.

  8. mikey Says:

    If you can somehow crawl out of your current state of ineptitude and master the above then some magical things will begin to happen. You might get a date, or get laid just by sheer chance. But realistically you are likely just the type of guy who wants to whine on blogs and do nothing in terms of ‘action’ or ‘ personal growth’ to better your predicament. Good luck, and surprise yourself and everyone else by getting off your duff and putting some of the sage wisdom above into play.

    also… attend parties. Even if you have to tactfully invite yourself.

  9. FWIW Says:

    IMO,women are too elitist/perfectionist.
    Cannot remember the exact source but awhile ago there was an experiment in which a small group of women were put into a conference room with a larger group of men.After mingling for an hour.The women exited the room and were given a survey/interview.The women decidedly agreed that 80+% of the men in the room were below average in the looks dept.and to them were “undateable”.Go figure…hyporites

    (Keep in mind that the group of guys were from all backgrounds: blue collar,white
    collar,doctors,plummers,musicians,varying ethnicities were represented,etc.a good mix)

  10. Johnny Says:

    Mikey is right.

    I would also add that you’re riddled with self-defeating beliefs (all taken, too career driven for men, don’t want relationships – all fucking bullshit) and scarcity mentality.

    You are the problem here, not the women (or the supposed lack thereof). Join the seduction community if you have to and get your ass in gear.

    But like Miley said, you probably won’t. You’ve already talked yourself out of it.

  11. Johnny Says:

    Is Miley Cyrus that big that my autocorrect does that on it’s own?

  12. Johnny Says:

    Oh and by the way, you might want to work on your approach. Courting a woman by telling her that she is a perfect specimen of femininiy, flattering though that may seem to you, is never gonna work. Believe me, she knows. Lots of guys think she’s perfect. Try to move in a little smoother. Treat her like a person, rather than like your ideal. I guarantee that whoever is banging her now just treated her like a normal chick.

  13. Johnny Says:

    See, fwiw, that’s defeatist loser talk. I am below average in height, non-muscular (although well toned), and shave my head because my receding hairline is useless to me. I also make an average living. Doesn’t look like much on paper, or, worse yet, in an online dating profile.

    And yet i haven’t had a dry spell in like 8 years, and my girls are always SMOKING.

    Your “league” is largely where you think it is. Like crashing a fancy party – once you’re in, no one asks questions.

  14. anon Says:

    “I can forgive the career-oriented part”

    Yeah. You’re un-datable.

    And I promise you from the bottom of my heart that it is not because of lack of experience. It is because you are a sexist asshole.

  15. John Says:

    In my opinion, if someone writes in asking for advice, that’s not an opportunity to put them down. Call a self-defeating attitude what it is, please, without name calling (e.g., “pig,” “d-bag,” “loser”). Keep the tone positive, or it sounds like you don’t really wish to help this person out.

  16. RetroRiotGrrrl Says:

    First and foremost you’re not weird for never dating before 22, that said I wouldn’t openly advertise this as it may come off as a red flag to some women.
    Now for the advice.
    I think the major problem here is that you’re treating women as something to be obtained. Instead of focusing on the end result focus on fostering honest relationships. What do you like to do? Chances are a woman who enjoys the same things will have other things in common with you. You can meet these women at seminars, classes, and clubs related to your interests. Also never think anywhere is “off limits” for a pick up. Is the sales girl cute? Strike up a conversation, then come back the next day and ask her out. Is the woman next to you in the waiting room someone you could see yourself with? Ask her for the time and go from there. Be open to anything and don’t just go for people you find physically attractive. If a woman interests you intellectually but not physically THAT’S OK! If she’s not really your “type” THAT’S OK! If you’re a good fit she’ll become attractive to you. Also BE CONFIDENT! Women can smell desperation from a mile away and it is NOT a turn on.
    Also I would check the attitude about the career oriented ladies(hello, who do you expect to find at COLLEGE?). It’s 2011 dude. If you like your women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen you might have better luck with a bride of the mail-order variety.

  17. RetroRiotGrrrl Says:

    Also I second Dannie!

  18. Tomio Black Says:

    Okay, I’ll try a different approach and not insult the writer and pretend like he is asking a valid series of questions.

    Am I weird for never going on a date or being kissed at 22?

    It’s unusual. I’m not sure if it’s “weird.” If it’s right for you; then it’s right for you. Judging from what you’ve written, it isn’t. You are lonely and want companionship. You want erotic and romantic love. You want to be part of a couple.

    That’s the opposite of weird.

    I mean, am I that undateable?

    I can’t answer that because I don’t know you. Some people actually are undateable…not because of their inexperience, but because they just aren’t nice people.

    Take an objective look at yourself. Do you take care of yourself? Do you dress appropriately? Do you have enough social grace to carry on a conversation if one lands in your lap? If one doesn’t, do you know how to start one?

    This doesn’t mean that you have to look “fresh out of the box” or wear the latest fashions or do anything to impress someone by being anything other than the person you really are. But if you want something different out of life, you have to put something different into life.

    Is me never being in a relationship a turnoff for women my age?

    I’m sure it is for some women. It’s probably also a big turn-on for some women. My advice is to simply forget about it never happening before. If you fixate on it; then you are never going to look beyond it. Besides, no one is going to know by looking at you that you’ve never had a relationship. It isn’t going to come up until you have already started a relationship. So don’t worry.

    If I should start dating now, where can I go to find girls other than college because that pool has dried up for me at least.

    You can find “girls” down at the elementary school. If you want to find a “young woman;” then all you have to do is walk outside. There are malls, parks, sporting events, theaters, churches, grocery stores…

    Unless you go to a college of twelve people, then you simply haven’t “dried up the pool.” You may not have a shot with the top ten most popular/beautiful women there (or even the top one hundred). But there are more women there than you have spoken to, and since school is just starting, there is a whole new incoming class of young women. Some are available, some aren’t. Some of those who are available will not be interested. I would lay money (a lot of it) that at least one young woman WILL be interested – at least potentially.

    You’ll find that very few people are actually “looking for a relationship.” So stop looking for a relationship and just let a natural friendship develop. If the woman you are friends with isn’t interested in more; then she probably has at least one friend she could set you up with.

    Please help before I end up the male equivalent of an old cat lady.

    The equivalent is “old cat man.” It’s simple: Buy a dog. But seriously – at 22, what kind of old person you will be shouldn’t really be much of a thought. Though I would advise sitting down with a financial advisor and coming up with a retirement plan. At least then, when you ARE an old man, you can buy the good cat food (or dog food) and not the Wal-mart 50lb bag-o-crap.

  19. R Says:

    The fact that you haven’t dated at ‘your age’ might seem a bit odd, but it does not make you un-dateable.

    It is your displayed behavior, attitude and sexist/misogynist perception of women that is driving women away from you (not holding you back).

    I suggest some therapy to address your clear issues with women and your behavior and attitude. Hopefully this therapy will help you grow and develop into a man that is deserving of a woman’s time and emotions.

  20. Jason_ Says:

    …alot of females these days would make alot of ASS-umptions about why a guy may not have dated at 22.Im sure alot of them would rather you had been with several women already perhaps? ‘Some’ are too foolish to realize that alot of guys don’t run around f__king everything that moves and maybe just maybe they respect women enough not to treat them like c#m buckets.Some guys don’t need to put notches on the bedpost and get laid constantly to try and validate our existence or try to prove were a “stud” or whatever.

  21. Dannie Says:

    Actually, Jason_, I’m fairly sure that men are far more interested in each others’ bed posts than women. In fact, women are probably more inclined to be aware of the fact that more notches = more chances of you having an STD/being a womanizer/ etc… So, your number? Only as important as my physical/sexual health. Proving your masculinity by sleeping around is something you do for other men, not women.

  22. RetroRiotGrrrl Says:

    Once again Dannie, you couldn’t be more right!

  23. Elyau Says:

    So…as someone who didn’t kiss anyone before I was 21, and now I’m 25 and have still never dated anyone (not a virgin anymore but waiting for the “right” person does have its perks, including the sexual health argument.) I’m slightly befuddled at your panic. Lots of my well-educated friends are in the same boat; in terms of relationships, we’re going for quality, not quantity.
    Oh, but ya I’m a really career oriented female so maybe that’s my whole “problem” according to your datable scale of women. I should just white-out my B.S./MBA titles and drop out of my PhD program and ditch those hopes of starting my own company some day…then maybe I’ll find my prince charming!

  24. mickey Says:

    hell no you aren’t weird!

    i’m 27 and have not been on a date since high school (which was lame anyways). I either run into people who dont want to have a serious relationship, or people already in ones. But you shouldn’t let that discourage you.

    There are people out there that aren’t tacky whores that may actually want to date you because you dont have any expectations or haven’t dated a lot of girls..

  25. figleaf Says:

    Without going into particulars I’d say that …

    “my college is filled with girls like her who don‚Äôt want a relationship or have been in one since elementary school”

    …would make your school statistically extremely improbable. That would be true even if you’re going to one of the really intensive schools like MIT or Cal Tech where most students barely have time to sleep let alone date.

    I’d also say that Mikey, above, is on the right track about working on social contact first. When you’re dead lonely it sounds like the worst advice possible, but, from the bottom of my heart I recommend first making friends with women you aren’t interested in dating.

    There are two reasons for this. First, because it doesn’t sound like you’ve got a lot of experience socializing closely with women, and being able to socialize is really critical to being able to form closer relationships. Second, because when you consciously socialize with women you don’t want to date you’re not as likely to bring the no-doubt unintentional “creepy” vibe some commenters noticed in your post.

    But finally, not to jump the gun but I think you’ll find that if you socialize with women you don’t want to date you’ll discover that, actually, many them will turn out to be way more interesting, approachable, and ultimately attractive than you’ve been giving them credit for.

    But that comes later. Really. Because I’m not saying “widen your ‘pool’” by approaching women you don’t find attractive. I really am saying learn how to be ordinary, everyday friends with women first.

    Lastly? I’m going to pull the sexpert card and say that a) it’s commonly believed that most people lose their virginity in high school even though b) by the end of their sophomore year almost 50% are still virgins. Therefore a) like millions of other college students who believe otherwise you’re not the only one and b) no, it’s not that unusual to still be a virgin at 22.

    You do have a little catching up to do in the dating department, but again, the best way to get there is to catch up on forming platonic friendships first.

    Best of luck,

    figleaf

  26. anonymous Says:

    First,dont look at every girl as “unavailable”some girls arent and are waiting to be asked.But do not just go up and ask.Make friends first then ask.Its a lot easier and she probably wont reject.Trust me.!

  27. Reba Says:

    Easy..make lots of money…then you will be hounded by women night and day no matter how insentive, ugly, whiny, etc you are.

    Of course, the types of women you get will be beautiful but typically shallow and will dump you after they use you for everything you are worth.

    Or you can find a female friend who can be brutally honest with you and tell you exactly what you need to change (make better) about your looks and personality.

    We all have flaws but until we see them we always focus on other people’s. Other people are the problem, not that I smoke 1 pack of cigerettes a day and smell like rotted flesh death. Other people are the problem, not that I am 100 lbs overwieght and have man boobs, sweat profusely, cant wipe my own butt because I cant reach it. Other people are the problem because they cant take an inappropriate remark as a joke. Other people are the problem…NOT ME.

    Take responsibility for who you are. Change yourself to make you the best man that you can be. Everything will fall into place. Ask yourself, “What kind of girl do I want?” List all her qualities. Then ask yourself would that kind of girl want me? If not, change those things that would not be attractive to her. If you cant change it, modify it to the best of your ability.

    Good luck!

  28. DK Says:

    Follow Mikey’s advice.


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