aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Well, if you were looking for an excuse to avoid any decision-making this week, here it is: according to the stars, this is not the time to get your lover to do things your way. Better to play the submissive role. Whether that includes gimp masks and big man-diapers is up to you. Actually, that’s up to your master.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Chill out, dude. You’re scaring us.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know those people who seem oh-so-casual and relaxed about hooking up and hanging out with you, so much so that they’re willing to go along with just about anything without much fuss? Chances are they aren’t casual and relaxed at all, but rather enamored and whipped! When you’re not that interested, it’s easy to underestimate how interested others actually are in you. One person’s meaningless fling is another person’s beginning of a beautiful relationship. Make sure the people in your immediate sexual circle all say “tomato” the same way, lest you have to call the whole thing off.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, you’ll have to apply a skillful technique in order to get your partner to agree with you. And no, we don’t mean oral sex. Okay, maybe we do.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Remember that scene in Naked Gun where Leslie Nielson says, “Everywhere I look, I see reminders of her” â€” and then the camera pans to two massive concrete bunkers that look like boobies, right next to a skyscraping phallus. That’s what you’ve got to look forward to this week. But don’t go humping cold, hard, unfeeling concrete structures just to scratch that itch: Warm human flesh may be easier to come by than you think. You just gotta ask. (Just don’t ask them to come over and watch Naked Gun on DVD.)
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will meet someone who will bring out the best in you. You will become best friends very quickly. This person will be generous and giving and smart and funny and you will experience mutual respect and appreciation. This person will be hotter than asphalt in August, but â€” alas â€” will find you “cute,” “cuddly,” “the best drinking buddy ever,” and “just not my type, sorry.”
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
There’s a reason they call it sexual tension. Your current relationship (or “situation,” if you prefer) is like a tautly stretched rubber band: One flick in the wrong place and you’re gonna get a latex smack in the face. But maybe you like it like that.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There’s a fine line between a soulmate and a stalker. Make sure that the person who knows so much about you is using that knowledge for the greater good. If they suddenly bring you flowers, that’s a soulmate. If they suddenly know the names, phone numbers, and favorite sexual positions of all your exes, that’s stalking.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will make a strong romantic connection this week. You will feel helpless against this powerful attraction. You will feel in tune with this person’s every thought. You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are feeling very heavy. You are drifting off. You are dozing . . . zzzzzz. When you wake up, on the count of three, you will do everything this horoscope tells you to do. You will tell all your friends to read their horoscope here, and only here, every week. You will send us nice gifts when your horoscope is a sunny one. You will not blame us when it is a cloudy one. One . . . two . . . three!
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will be unusually stimulated by someone you meet this week â€” and we don’t mean like with a spatula or an egg beater or anything. No, an intense emotional compulsive attraction will make it difficult for you to resist one particular hotcake. Unfortunately, this flapjack is buttered on the jealous side.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Adoring fans are all well and good while they keep their distance, but they can be kind of annoying up close and personal. Beware of shagging any groupies â€” you never know which of your dirty secrets may show up on the web a week later. (That thing with the teddy bear? Yeah, you know what we’re talking about.)
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Does anyone ever enjoy listening to someone else’s cry for attention? That’s one rhetorical question to grow on this week.