aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Opportunity knocks this week when it comes to love. Open the door quickly and screw the living daylights out of it.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars say to play hard-to-get this week. Hey, we don’t condone playing head games with your partners; in fact, we think honesty is always the best policy. But what do we know? We’re nothing but insignificant pawns in the universe’s game of astrological checkers. So maybe you should cool it off a bit this week and stop being so aggressive. That’s the message and we’re delivering it. (If it doesn’t work out, don’t blame us. Blame heaven.)
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We’re not familiar with your boss’s stance on vacation days, but we suggest taking a Libido Day sometime soon. ‘Cause you’re just too damned sexy (and sexed up) to get any work done! Besides, your colleagues are starting to get a little grossed out by the way you rub up against the water cooler. As long as you remember to incorporate a little romance into your approach, you should find your needs satisfied this week. And if not, at least the water cooler won’t hurt your feelings or break your heart.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and even the most grotesque fashion trend (shoulder pads, anyone?) is groovy every few decades. And even you, our friend, will have days when you sizzle more than a side of bacon in boiling fat. This week, take advantage of all the heat and energy and good bacon smell to turn that special someone into your own little piggy.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Stories about your old flame are like dreams and vacation photos ‚ÄĒ no one wants to hear about yours unless they’re in them. Especially not your current partner. It’s time to close the ex-files for good.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Sometimes looking back to find your future and giving love (and old lovers) a second chance works. Sometimes living in the past just keeps you from moving ahead. It depends on the movie. The first would be something like Grosse Point Blank, while the second would be our old stand by, Swingers. This week, you’re in Swingers.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You can have it all if you follow your heart and let your charismatic personality take over; you should have nothing to worry about and you’ll be hard to resist. Of course, if your heart has no sense of direction and you have the personality of a lima bean, you still might find yourself alone and utterly resistible.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Things that you can slow down: the way you eat, the way you drive, the way you talk, the way you jump to conclusions. Things you can’t slow down: public transportation, the way you pee, Pete Sampras’s serve, the pace of your love life. You’re going to have to make decisions faster than a center court player if you don’t want to end up a big fat loser, uh, runner-up.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got a secret horoscope this week, Sag. In order to decode this very important message, you’ve got to crack the code. Hint: take one step back and two steps forward.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
All talk and no action will lead to confrontation with the one you love. So will all action and no talk. Be sure to practice what you preach and preach what you practice or lose the one you love. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Love will unfold in the strangest ways this week. Kind of like origami.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
For all you Pisces out there who aren’t in a long-term relationship, but want to be (even if you don’t want to be, you have no choice): You will meet someone who will factor into the equation for quite a while if you attend organized events that interest you: jazz concerts in smoky dives, book readings at local bookstores, volunteer house-building for the less fortunate, industry conferences at Howard Johnsons, “Latin Groove” classes at fitness clubs, etc. Don’t say no to things to do this week, or you risk inadvertently saying no to people to do for weeks to come.