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Your Call: How Can She Get Over Her Boyfriend’s Bisexuality?

Fri, Sep 30, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.

My boyfriend just told me he was bisexual. He said in the past he has had sex with other men, but that it will never happen again. I want to believe him. I’m pregnant with his baby and he said he wants to get married. My problem is I don’t know if I can handle knowing that and still stay with him. I know it’s in his past, but how do I know it will stay there? As of right now I cant even look at him without feeling disgust, and I can’t stop crying because he’s still the love of my life. But I just dont know how to cope with what he’s done, or what he might do. I really don’t know how to feel ok with it, as bad as I want to, I still find it repulsive. Please help.

– Knocked Up and Knocked Out

What should KUKO do?

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35 Responses to “Your Call: How Can She Get Over Her Boyfriend’s Bisexuality?”

  1. Karen Says:

    At the end of the day he admitted it, which shows he trust you and cares about you enough to let you know the real him, and it’s in his past. If he is as committed as he says he is it shouldn’t matter. You have to look at it from his point of view. If you were bisexual and felt confident enough in your partner to tell them something that you would otherwise keep private, you would want them to accept you for who you are and not dwell on your past. The vast majority have unsavoury pieces in their pasts, but it should be about what you have now and what you’re going to have in the future.

  2. f Says:

    Just a heads-up, I’m going to be harsh. Besides the fact he’s slept with men, your partner has also very likely slept with other women. Nevertheless he chose to be with you. If the idea of your partner sleeping with other people disgusts you, it’s up to you to stop imagining it.
    Unless there is any evidence of unfaithfulness, you should be able to trust him. If not, get help to find out why you’re crying so much.

  3. Johnny Says:

    If you were scared he’d cheat on you with another man, I’d understand all this.

    But it sounds to me like you’re just grossed out because you’re a homophobe. Like F said, are do you feel “disgust” about the other women in his past?

    As for “coping with what he’s done,” come on. We’re not talking about murder here. You actually don’t have anything to “cope” about, beyond what you’re inflicting on yourself. You weren’t even there.

  4. tani Says:

    Has he cheated on you? If not, what is your reasoning for assuming his bisexuality won’t stay in the past? Bisexuals can be monogamous, too. You say you can’t cope with “what he might do” – like what? Be a great father and a devoted husband? Heterosexuals don’t have the monopoly on making great families.
    Like others have said, he’s likely slept with other women before you, and you’re not having an issue with that, it’s the act of sleeping with men that you find repulsive. Clearly this is just a homophobic response. Homosexual behaviours show up in many different species, and as far as I know, humanity is the only one that persecutes others for it. My advice to you is grow up and get over it.

  5. figleaf Says:

    Eh. The good news, if you want to look at it that way, is that there are forums all over the planet full of men expressing the exact same feelings of revulsion about women who’ve previously had sex with men. I promise I don’t mean this in a mean way but you might find more sympathy there. :-(

    The important thing to remember about bisexuality is that it’s… pretty much exactly like heterosexuality. Except with a bisexual partner who’s committed to a monogamous relationship with you is there’s the even more flattering realization that he or she has picked you over twice the number of potential partners: out of all the women and men in the world he’s choosing you! He’s forsaking all others! That’s the fairy-tale-romance gold slipper! The question you need to be asking yourself is are you worthy enough to wear it?

    Rather than lying awake at night worrying about his past partners you might worry instead about whether he’ll be a good father. (Chances are, yes. Past partners don’t determine one’s parenting ability any more than it determines their likelihood of cheating.)

    Good luck with your new family!

    figleaf

  6. April Says:

    As a bisexual, I’m personally offended by your homophobic question. Let me start by saying that your boyfriend may have slept with men in the past (and women as others have pointed out), but in the present and the future (though monogomous) – he’s still a bisexual man. His general interest in both genders is not going away… and he shouldn’t have to worry about keeping it bottled up inside to win your approval.

    Whether he’s acting on it or not – he likes men too. It’s a big part of who he is. What makes him – him. If you find something as basic as his ability to love regardless of gender to be SO vile – then you have serious issues.

    Nothing about him has changed – you’re the one with the problem – and it’s completely in your head.

  7. jillian Says:

    I’m a tall redheaded woman. My boyfriend recently confessed to me that he has slept with short blonde women in the past, before he met me. He was soooo brave to admit this; I admit I am repulsed but he promised it would never happen again. I want to believe him! But what if he secretly fantasizes about short blonde women? ewwww. I know that if a man has “that” kind of urge he will always have it. I can’t stop crying!! How can I cope??

    signed,

    heterophobe

  8. Ana Says:

    I think you should probably look for a nice Mormon boy who was raised in a Skinner box. That way he will never have had sex with anyone else, and may not even know if he’s gay, straight, or bi. That’s the dream, anyway.

    I’ve dated a few bi men (as a bi girl I guess that kinda makes sense? I find the image of him having sex with men oddly hot. Of course, I really enjoy gay porn, and having a bi boyfriend ups the chances for having an MMF threesome, which would be awesome. You’re under no obligation to enjoy and celebrate his sexuality, though it would be neat if you could.

  9. Dave W Says:

    I was going to write in with advice for KUKO, but I kept feeling disgust over her sin of sex and pregnancy out of wedlock. If I propped her up, and she went out into the world, having more illegitimate kids, I don’t think I could handle knowing I contributed to that. I realize this conception is in her past, but still.

  10. elizabeth Says:

    figleaf: so true & well said. it IS so much of an honour to be singled out by a bisexual ;-)

    jillian: what delightful wit! A sharp tongue is the best defense against bigotry– so definitely keep yours sharp! Thanks for putting things in perspective and making me smile.

    ana: yeah, I agree– it’s a hot thing to think about. hope you get your MMF!

    I mean no disrespect to the poster or whatever pain she’s experiencing, but it just illustrates the fact that rigid ideas about sexuality aren’t good for anyone…

  11. Lara Says:

    I think my point has pretty much been summed up by serious as well as amusing answers :P

    Your man, by the sounds has done nothing wrong, yet you’ve worked yourself up in your head all because you’ve been brought up with the idea that homosexuality is wrong and that he will automatically cheat on you because he is attracted to both genders.

    That’s not a good enough reason to doubt him, bisexuality isn’t some mental illness where a person is attracted to EVERY single person in the world and cannot help them self but have sex with them all.
    Where is your logic coming from? He is with you now, he chose YOU.

    If you’re not able to see him simply for that the person he is anymore, then that is YOUR choice and your problem.

    Honestly, nobody deserves to live with someone so narrow and un-accepting of the way they are naturally.
    If you can’t accept him then end it, give him the chance to be with a better person than you who will love him for the person he is.

    Trying find some empathy in some way for you, but I cant.
    I’m not going to lie, you are just offensive and you need a good wake up call.

    See a psychologist and work through that muck that has collected in your brain.

  12. Jack Jones Says:

    Haven’t you had sex with men too? Eeewwww!

  13. Jeni Says:

    It’s simple. You’ve had sex with other men, so had he. He’s also had sex with other women. You’re having a child out of wedlock. I fail to see the problem here with him having slept with other men. Everyone has basically said everything I want to say…

  14. jennyp Says:

    So many of the responses you have are pure crap with obvious agendas of their own that have nothing to do with your problem. I am married to a bi man. Had I known about it, I NEVER would have married him, and now I stay for my kids alone- until they are big enough. I dread the day that they find out their dad is not who they think he is. I am not a homophob by any means, my best friend was a gay man – until he died. I have plenty of gay friends, and am not repulsed. I think it is a very tough life, and everyone has to make their own happiness in their own way–but never at the expense of others. Mine- he cheats, he propositions friends of mine- all the time. He embarrasses me in public because he is too immature to control his actions. Frankly, I am impressed that your guy told you ahead of time- honoring you enough-putting you first to make that choice. Yes, mine picked me too as so many of the other responses point out, and he keeps picking others over me as well. Again, mine doesn’t go after other women – just men. He is gay, and I am disgusted that he lacks respect and honor to our marriage, by continually straying. The thing is- he doesn’t know that I know, and have for the past few years, so I watch him GLEEFULLY “keep pulling the wool over my eyes”. My advice to you- don’t get married. Have the child -keep him in your life, live together as a family in love. It is a common enough thing to do. Live with it a while, see if you can either come to terms with it or not. If you are still disgusted and can’t get over it- he will be the father of your child, and your friend for life. But you can still find true love with someone who will be as committed to you as you are to him–there are lots and lots of choices, a good marriage is for life- do not start one with questions w/o answers. I don’t know him or you so it is not possible to judge (hear that everyone else-its not possible to judge). Only you can understand your feelings. People that call others names are not worth listening to…

  15. Dave W Says:

    jennyp,

    Oh boy. I shall enumerate my thoughts on your response.

    1) I think the previous posters would agree that everyone should be judged on their own merits, bi, straight, or gay. There’s no agenda there.
    2) You said your husband is bi, but then went on to describe a pseudo-closeted gay man who’s living a lie with you.
    3) Saying that you’re not a homophobe because you have gay friends is like your husband saying he’s not gay because he has a wife.
    4) “he is too immature to control his actions”. I agree, but that is YOUR husband, not KUKO’s bf.
    5) “I don‚Äôt know him or you so it is not possible to judge”. If you mean this, I’m not sure what that whole anecdote about your husband shows KUKO.
    6) “Only you can understand your feelings”. True enough. If she definitely can’t get over her feelings, only she can know that. We were trying to persuade her that those feelings were irrational and biased.

  16. Jen Says:

    Wow. I’m really shocked at how mean and harsh everyone was.

    So she was shocked to find out her future child’s father is bisexual when she had thought he was straight. I would be shocked, I’d be angry he hadn’t told me sooner, I’d be scared, it would be really hard to adjust my idea of who my SO is. It’s a whole part of him she didn’t know. I think a lot of people would feel that way.

    I’m not a homophobe and I’m not against bisexuals, I just think it’s hard to learn that everything isn’t as you thought it was. It’s hard when you assume your SO has only slept with women to find out he has also slept with men. Despite the fact that there are a lot of bisexuals out there it’s not exactly something you’d expect to hear. It’s easier to accept something you thought of as a given in the first place (like a guy having slept with other women in the past.) I don’t know many women that expect their man to have slept with other men. She has every right to be weirded out at first.

    Why don’t you guys be more compassionate and understanding. She’s having trouble getting used to it. Got any positive constructive ideas to help her adjust or are you just looking to bash?

  17. jillian Says:

    jennyp, I’m really sorry about your marriage. But the problem isn’t that the guy is bi (and in fact, it sounds like he isn’t) — the problem is that he’s a DOG. Unrelated.

  18. imsnowman Says:

    Why is he a DOG or should I ask “What is a DOG” ?

  19. Lamia Says:

    I’m wondering why its such an issue. You assumed he slept with other women, right? Its not really much different.

    Now if you assumed he was a virgin then I can understand you being angry. Hell I’d be angry.

    But I say this to you as a woman you is attracted to both genders. It has nothing to do with faithfulness. He can be attracted to men AND women and still be 100% faithful to you, just as you can be attracted to other men and be faithful. Its normal. Its natural. I hope you don’t decide to break up with him over this. I think you’d cheat yourself out of a great man if you did.

  20. nastassia Says:

    Completely agree with Jen. I’d be completely shocked and feel duped by that kind of revelation. Monogamy is hard enough-now I have to worry about other women AND men?! No Thanks.
    The boyfriend is most likely gay but can’t fully come out.

  21. Diana Says:

    to nastassia regarding your statement: “The boyfriend is most likely gay but can‚Äôt fully come out.”

    There is no way for you to know that. Bisexuals exist on their own merit, it is not just a stepping stone to gay. While this statement is not impossible, being in a long term relationship with the OP also makes it implausible. “most likely” is hardly the correct term.

  22. Arcadia Says:

    Ok, a lot of people have already summed up my feelings on this, and others have been outright hateful. However, I’m going to give this a shot.

    From the sounds of it, if you’re just finding out about this now, yes, I would be shocked too. HOWEVER, he did tell you, and seems to be trying to clear the air and tell you something very important about himself. That is a sign that he’s trying his best to be honest with you, which is very important in a relationship. He’s communicating, also important. He may be a reserved person when it comes to his sexuality, or, having found you, is embarrassed about it.

    You will have to talk to him about this, but try to understand how this may have been very, very hard for him to tell. He HAS chosen you, and seems to want to commit himself to you.

    Also, you did say you are pregnant. Right now your body is going through a lot of changes just so it can help grow your child. It screws with your brain chemistry, and may be enhancing everything that upsets you, hence why you’re crying so much. Ask your doctor about it, or do some research online.

    In the end, you need to sit down and really, really think about this. Yes, he’s bi, but seems to want to make this work with you. You aren’t happy about it, but (I’m assuming) he’s shown he’s been faithful to you. If you love him so much, do your DAMNDEST to make this work.

    You may have to try to open your mind about all of this. Me personally, I’m bi, and I’m married. I don’t cheat on my husband with other women, and I told him about it before we got married. In the end, it worked out.

    I sincerely hope that this works out for you both!

  23. Zach Says:

    Please break up with him and give him custody of the child. No one deserves to be judged in such a way. A marriage between an open minded, honest guy and a bigot will only end badly.

  24. Secret Anne Says:

    I totally feel for the poster and think that some of you are being too harsh, while defending your own opinions. If someone is gay…fine…if someone is bi… fine but if someone chooses not to be with a person that is of either persuasion then they should not be lied to. I too found out after moving in with my boyfriend that he was bi. Although he stopped seeing other men at about the same time he started seeing me he still carried on online webcam mutual masturbation with me and woman and set up a threesome, on my birthday none the less, but didn’t follow through with it. Poor poor him…He had a sexual addiction. Well okay but he didn’t need to lie to me and pull me into a world of hurt with his deception. This is the type of thing you talk about before making a commitment to someone by living with them or getting them pregnant. Have any of you heard of HIV?

  25. ashley Says:

    Everyone does not feel the same way or like the somethings. The comments on this post sadden me as a person who has also just found out that her bf was bi. Everyone is tryna to push their own feelings on her. Im guessing that alot of the people ma king these harsh comments are gay and don’t want others to push their beliefs on them. This is how she feels and is just having a hard time dealing. Just as you can choose to be with whatever sex she can choose to be with someone who only likes women.

  26. Sgt.Straight Says:

    I think you need to ask yourself what you think is the problem here,

    Are you scared that because he has twice as many people to cheat on he is more likely?

    Are you scared that because this is something you didn’t know about him and your finding out now, that your going to discover more about him later which will also scare you?

    Like many people here suggest, Are you homophobic?

    Answer? Grow up, and do it fast, you have a baby on the way you are going to impart the knowledges that you have gained to, and need to have it together for him/her.

    The World is full of people, who in turn are full of human emotions and chemistry and make good and bad choices, they can fight against it and they can give in to it, Its LIFE. If you judge someone for the rest of their lives based on mistakes thay have made, or will make, your going to mess up any chance of happiness. People make choices and mistakes. If you judge everyone based on this, you’ll never be happy, always resentful, always watching over your shoulder, always sneaking around to ‘catch’ them.

    You’ve been with this guy long enough to understand if you trust him or not. He’s admitted his past which is important, he didn’t have to, he’s trusting you with this, show him some trust in return. If your repulsed by this, ask yourself.. WHY?

    But if your q

    If this is about your choices in raising your child, then Ok I agree with this one point, if you don’t want your child to be raised thinking that its ok to be gay because that’ll mean you have little chance to have grandkids, Ok, this is a different point, you have ideals for your future, if you want dark skinned kids you’d date a black guy, if you want red-haired kids you look for a ginger, if you want straight kids you’d want to raise them with straight values (choice) or with a straight parent (genetic).

  27. Sgt.Straight Says:

    Grr, keyboard.. should read : If your question is : Are you scared that his bi-sexuality will rub off on the child and you don’t want that?

  28. pixie Says:

    If you are having difficulty coping with your partner’s past relationships try reading I HATE HIS EX by Alex Cooper. I had loads of issues with my fiance‚Äôs ex and I have now resolved them thanks to the advice in this book! You can get it on Amazon! Definitely worth a read! :)

  29. Ryan Says:

    I’m a bisexual guy and can relate to a lot of what others have said on here. For what it’s worth, here’s my two cents:

    This girl has every right to her feelings. I might think she’s misinformed on some level, but by no means do I consider her a bad person. Personally, I’m upfront about my sexuality when it comes to dating, and it kind of bothers me that he waited until after they became pregnant to tell her. I can understand why he didn’t tell her initially about it, but if you’re with someone that you truly feel to be “the one” then you should feel confident that they’re going to love you for ALL that you are.

    Unfortunately, for a lot of people, the word “bisexual” conjures up images of 70′s swingers, open relationships, and/or inevitable cheating. Which means A LOT of rejection for bisexuals. So I can also very much empathize with her boyfriend. A lot of women (non-homophobic, progressive, and otherwise open-minded women) don’t want to date bisexual men for any number of reasons, and that means a lot of guys keep that fact from their significant others longer than they should, because we all fear that rejection.

    Friends tell me I’m lucky that the entire population is a potential date (insert laughter here if you’re a bi male). Many straight and gay people seem to view it this way, and for someone in a relationship with a bisexual it doesn’t seem like such a leap to assume that the entire population has gone from a potential date to a potential home-wrecker. And for reasons that I have yet to figure out, the thought of that infidelity being with a member of your significant other’s same gender seems to be worse than hetero or gay cheating. As far as I’m concerned, cheating is cheating.

    Here’s the thing though, straight men cheat. Gay men cheat. Bisexual men cheat. Straight women cheat. Lesbians cheat. Bisexual women cheat. Members of every orientation cheat. Any time you enter enter into a relationship with someone and give your heart to someone else it comes with the risk that it’s gonna get broken. It’s also what makes successful monogamous relationships so rewarding.

    And as far as his past goes, if you really can’t get past him having sex with other men then break up with him. You ARE entitled to a preference. And he deserves to be with someone who will love and embrace him for who he truly is. Or, if you feel that you truly do love him, and you realize that really nothing of any real substance has changed (personally, I don’t think anything has) then forgive him, tell him never to keep anything like that from you again and happily move on to the business of starting your family. Either way, best of luck to you both and congratulations on the baby.

  30. Mike J Says:

    I’m a bi guy and the idea that because I’m bi I’m supposedly a liability for the principle of monogamy is fantastically offensive. I’ve been in a relationship with a beautiful woman for nearly a year. I would never in a million years think of cheating on her (despite numerous opportunities having thrown themselves my way). I am not a “closet gay” as one woefully misinformed poster suggested KUKO’s parter was…mostly because I know what I want and quite frankly the sex is as good as I’ve ever had it. Bisexuality isn’t a repulsive malady, it’s a legitimate and identity which is pliable to a relationship with whichever person you fall in love with. It doesn’t mean you ‘share’ that person with the opposite gender any more than a straight person shares his partner with all women in the world. I hope your bigoted disposition has settled by now because frankly your boyfriend doesn’t deserve someone as close-minded as you.

  31. Gem Says:

    I’m stunned by the hate for this woman who is in a vulnerable state because she is pregnant and has been slammed because of her HONEST reaction to how she feels about the father of her child coming out as a bisexual. Everyone who is applauding the guy for his honesty, please…you are all hypocrites unless you accept the fact that she is being honest too. Having said that, I agree with the poster who said that the guy may turn out to be a wonderful father, but that does not mean she has to marry him or that she has to pretend to feel true love for him, if the bisexuality issue is so important to her, it sounds like a deal-breaker (and honestly, it would be a deal-breaker for me as well, as a hetero woman who yes, SHOCKINGLY does have bi and gay friends, but I am not in love/in a committed relationship with those people). Anyway, all you people who are so outraged by this woman’s honesty, I guess it’s easy for you to dictate how her feelings should be, since you’re not the ones in her situation. Kuko, good luck! I’m saying prayers for you, everything will work out, I’m sure….

  32. Dudeman Says:

    He’s better off with out you. Not to sound harsh but hes clearly an open minded individual. He needs to be with someone whom is too. We are all just animals with better judgement.

  33. maria Says:

    There are too many idiots defending the guy without really understanding her issue. She’s entitled to her feellings he just threw a curve ball her way when she’s at her most vulnerable moment. He may be a great guy but he didn’t give her the option to decide if she was comfortable enough to be with a bi man. If he told her he was bi from the beginniing it would had been a different thing, but he didn’t. My advice is to really think about your decision. Maybe you should wait till you have your baby and yoou can think more clearly.

  34. Jackie Says:

    The fault that I have with the bi-sexual baby’s Daddy, is that he didn’t tell her before she got pregnant. If she is a straight woman, what happen to her right to choose? 1. To go through with the pregnacy. 2. To end the realtonship with her bi-sexual boyfriend. It seems to me her rights were taken away. It is not the question if he would cheat, because bi-sexual men will always have two hungers for men and women. She will always wonder what he is doing. Bi-sexual men should stay with bi-sexual women and not cause unnessary pain for straight women. If he held back the truth in the beginning of the relationship, don’t look for much trust throughout the relationship ,

  35. Aleisha Says:

    I find this woman’s plight very similar to my own, and it’s my belief that everyone whose posted has made a good point.
    Over the course of our 1 year relationship, my boyfriend has worked up the courage to tell me that he’s bi, has slept with multiple men and has gone to several gay sex clubs. He’s lost count of how many people he’s slept with.
    Like the poster I have struggled with feelings of confusion, insecurity and mistrust. I am also bisexual so I understand the varied grey areas of sexual attraction to both genders and the very unique preferences that can be inherent. I am in no way repulsed by sexual acts between two males – infact it turns me on a lot and my boyfriend and I have a lot of fun experimenting from time to time. What I struggle with is the numbers, the clubs and the drug abuse (he used to use a lot of speed but has since stopped). I do not doubt at all the faithfulness of either my boyfriend or the poster’s boyfriend, but I can understand the inner turmoil and the struggle to conceptualize such a personal revelation. I can see why it would change her perception of him but I think she should stick it out – my boyfriend is still the person I fell in love with, just as her boyfriend is the same man that she wanted to father her child. I think the greatest struggle someone in this situation can face is grasping the bigger picture.


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