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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-12-11

Mon, Sep 12, 2011

Horoscopes

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Expect a blast from the past this week. It will get you in touch with some lost emotions. You’ll feel like a kid again! Sex Tip of the Week: Engage in a little backdoor pinkie poke and it’ll feel like the very first time all over again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s never too late to approach someone who’s been on your mind. Don’t play games this time and you’ll get much further. Sex Tip of the Week: Go for that first kiss ‚ÄĒ just plant one on them.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll be in the mood to make lurve. You’ll get the response you’re looking for if you prepare your partner for your intentions. Sex Tip of the Week: Indulge in sensual sex ‚ÄĒ candles, soft music, drawn baths, etc.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t exaggerate or you’ll find yourself in a mess for which you can’t be redeemed. Your lover will be quick to pick up on your dishonesty. Sex Tip of the Week: Don’t fake it. (But while we’re at it, don’t ever fake it).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve made all the right moves and now it’s time to reap the rewards. Tell your partner what your intentions are and you’ll be surprised at the response you get. Sex Tip of the Week: Talk dirty.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll feel anxious if you can’t persuade your lover to take part in fulfilling your fantasies. Don’t push your luck or you’ll be minus a partner. Sex Tip of the Week: Stick with the missionary position.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to love this week. Your actions will be the deciding factor when it comes to getting your lover to do as you please. Sex Tip of the Week: Tie your partner up (with their permission, of course).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, you will do well to take a deep breath, take a step back, and look at the whole picture. Decisions made in the moment or based on single events will backfire. Sex Tip of the Week: Don’t make any decisions when you’re horny.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Let your relationship grow this week. Get to know your partner better. A lot has changed, and you have to catch up mentally before you can get physical. Sex Tip of the Week: Abstain for seven days.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Slow down a little. You’re likely to upset someone you like if you keep trying to get them to do everything your way. Back off and give them a chance. Sex Tip of the Week: Let your partner tie you up.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Things are beginning to heat up for you in the romance department. Don’t appear too eager if you really want things to go your way. Sex Tip of the Week: Be a tease.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The time to take action is now, but don’t do it with force ‚ÄĒ use your head. Your ability to be convincing will lead your lover in the direction you want. Sex Tip of the Week: Lots and lots of oral sex.

 

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