Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Breaking Bad” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather thirteen-inch strap-on, day in, day out. You may never have described yourself as “kinky” before now, but your latest partner is one of those “Breaking Bad”-watchers (we mean that in the nicest way). You are Kink Master. Your partner likes being Kink Student. Make them earn some extra credit this week.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Woah, serious. Things are getting hea-vy in the relationship department, huh, Taur? Are you sure you’re ready? You do have options, you know that, right? Getting serious should feel like a step into the future, not back into a corner. And getting serious does not necessarily require three months of your hard-earned filthy lucre, no matter what the diamond industry tells you. Hey, there are starving advice columnists out there who could be saving the sex lives of Americans everywhere with money like that.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If someone isn’t warming up to you, there may be a good reason. For instance, they may hate your guts. Instead, look for someone gullible who will fall for your sleazy charms. Now that’s what we call a match made in heaven.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Confucius say, person with big mouth has little chance of scoring. Shut your hole so that others may get filled.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Flirting isn’t always harmless. If not administered carefully, it can shoot someone’s eye out. You may think you’re a skilled marksman: Just enough extended eye contact, not too much coyness, a double entendre here, a shoulder squeeze there. But even the best coquettes miss their targets sometimes. And then they end up with psycho stalkers looking for sweet, sweet revenge.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Are you ready for rejection? Are you dying for a dis? Hoping for a Heisman? Begging for a big fat “not if my life depended on it”? We didn’t think so. Best to keep your mouth shut and be a quiet observer for the week. For whatever reason â€” pet death in their family, bacne break-out, sudden email from their ex â€” now is not the time to make your patented “move” on that certain someone, unless you want your heart put through the blender.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Resist any temptation to talk about your past relationships with a new partner. We know, it’s hard â€” after all, the assholes who’ve beaten your heart into a bloody pulp have made you the cold and bitter person you are today. But stories about how you ate nothing but marshmallows for ten days straight after your ex left you for their golden retriever just aren’t sexy.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll feel like Gulliver tied down by the Lilliputians this week. Break free from your chains and squash those annoying little obligations like bugs. Continue your travels. Bring extra-large protection in case you meet any giants.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, you’ll suddenly develop a very handy, very hardy, thick skin. You will no longer feel the sting of rejection. Oh sure, you’ll get rejected plenty, you just won’t feel the burn. “Ha!” you will say to all your spurners. “No problem!” You will shrug. I’ll be back!” You will counter resistance with persistence and you will win out in the end. Because it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how long you can continue playing the game unsuccessfully before collapsing in a bawling heap of self-loathing.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you want to know how someone really feels about you, ask him or her outright. Don’t break into their email account, don’t fake a personal ad and try to get them to respond to you, don’t have your BFF pass them a note with check-off boxes about whether or not they’d go steady with you. No, communication (which may or may not mean confrontation) is the best way to know where you stand. Because you have to know where you stand before you can move forward. For instance, if you figure out you’re standing at the end of a plank over a pool of sharks who lust the blood of a broken heart, only then will you realize in which single direction you can move.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t make any promises you don’t think you can keep. Because we know you and we know you won’t keep them. And then we’ll have to distance ourselves from you, because we can’t be seen with promise-breakers â€” it’s bad for our reputation.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Someone will become infatuated with you this week. Of course, the dictionary defines infatuation as “a foolish, unreasoning, extravagant, and short-lived passion.” Which means that the second you show signs of reciprocating this infatuation, it will suddenly feel “foolish” to your paramour â€” hence the whole “short-lived” thing. So don’t fall for the wooing and the roses; this isn’t the real thing. (Hey, don’t get mad at us: It ain’t easy being the harbingers of doom.)