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Your Call: How Can She Get Into Sex Again?

Fri, Oct 21, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.

I’ve been married to my husband for nine years and we have three kids. I’m currently nursing our seven month old. I really don’t enjoy sex, I even dread it. It’s not painful or anything, but it’s just really hard for me to get into it — and my husband doesn’t like it unless I am into it. He can’t just be happy having a “quickie” because it’s too much like business. Anyway, we were both virgins when we got married, so we are each other’s only partners. I need help, because we are both very frustrated.

– Business Partner

What should B.P. do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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11 Responses to “Your Call: How Can She Get Into Sex Again?”

  1. Dannie Says:

    This article doesn’t give one much to go off of; there’s no ‘why’ here. Still, I’ll take a leap anyway. How much do you think about sex? How do you think about it? What do you think about? I think the first step is there; start being aware of your thoughts about sex, and try to turn them into fantasy or just positive-attitude stuff. Also, how do you feel about self-love? If you never have orgasms, it’s easy to not want to have sex. Try masturbating some time; and take all the time you need. Do it repeatedly. Pay attention to what feels good. If it doesn’t get you there right away, don’t worry about it: it’s an adventure, not a competition. Also,as Em and Lo always suggest, try introducing lube into the situation. Friction-free sex makes a huge difference. ALSO–try investing in a toy. Even a small vibrator can make a huge difference, whether you use it yourself or you use it with your husband. Don’t be afraid to want things. Sex is as much about you as him. Don’t enjoy it for his sake, enjoy it for yours. Finally, just take some time to think romantically. Read a romance novel or two that gets to you. Let yourself be turned on by little things. Pay attention to what it attractive to you about your husband–even little things, like the way his hands move when he’s turning a page in a book. Other than that, I can’t think of much else to say, other than that you and him will just have to work on it, be PATIENT, and focus on yourself.

  2. Johnny Says:

    I think you’re experiencing the normal sexual boredom that many people fear, most coules experience, and few people admit to.

    I hate to say it, but there are only a few options here, each of which will probably leave someone dissatisfied or worse.

    Ther first is to have less sex – that’s right, I said it, LESS sex – so that you’re both REALLY running hot when you finally do. If your husband’s sex drive is higher than yours, this solution will not make him happy.

    The second, if you’re done with him sexually, or with sex in general, is for one or both of you to get some discreetly – but honestly – on the side. Open relationship, in other words. Something tells me that you’re not going to like that solution.

    The third thing that might happen is for one or both of you to cheat. This is what the vast majority of sexually dissatisfied couples do, but it’s baaaaaad. Cheating is the dark side.

    And the final, other-most-common solution is to divorce and pursue your sex lives as individuals. This sucks too. So many people bust up marriages because they’re too selfish to give a partner who they DON’T WANT anymore a little sexual slack.

    Anyway, talk to your husband. Tell him you’re just not into sex right now. Tell him it’s not his fault – new baby, etc. – and work something out together from there.

  3. Michael Says:

    My wife and I have been married for longer than nine years and still enjoy a very active and satisfying sex life. I mean if she doesn’t get enough orgasms, she gets very cranky. We introduced porn viewing together during sex very early in our relationship and it really does assist both of us in getting in the mood even when we may not be totally into it at the start. For you, after nine years of being together, you should by now know what works for each other and what doesn’t. So, because of my experience, send the Husband off to the movie store, get the kids into bed early, have a drink and get ready to enjoy yourself. Good luck!

  4. Jennifer Says:

    Get the kids to a babysitter, and rent a hotel room.

    Take the entire night to re-learn what got you hot in the first place, and do everything but sex. Make it a night filled with exploration, and to ease your mind, take penetration off the table. If after a few hours, maybe you will be regretting the decision to leave it out, and instead be putting it back on the (bedside) table!

    I think that getting rid of distractions for the night, and really focusing on the two of you should be a nice start to wanting each other more.

  5. ralphie Says:

    I agree with Dannie, there is missing information. You indicate that you “really don‚Äôt enjoy sex, [you] even dread it.” The one question that I did not see being asked is whether you ever really enjoyed sex. Any answer must be predicated on your expectations. If you previously enjoyed sex, but do not now, it could be simply that you have 3 children, including a seven month old that you are nursing, or just a rut that all people go through. If its a case that you never really enjoyed sex (even though you may have been into it at times), the answer would/must obviously be different based on yours and your husband’s expectations (you may want to be left alone, and your husband may want porn-movie sex with you on a nightly basis; you may both want more frequent satisfying sex; you may just want to keep things happy in your home).

  6. jillian Says:

    Your baby is only 7 months old and you’re nursing — your hormones are still in baby mode. Lack of libido can be part of having a little one. It’s waaaaaaaaay too early to blame this on a bigger issue. Certainly consider if you would both be ok with an open marriage, but be aware that things may change when your hormones go back to normal.

  7. BCofUIMHere Says:

    You’ve been married for nine years. Have you not enjoyed/dreaded sex all that time? Is your husband aware you dread sex with him?

    It sounds like it is time for a long overdue talk with him. After nine years, maybe it’s also time to talk to a professional. You both deserve to have a good sex life, and your letter makes it sound like neither of you have from the get-go.

  8. Ella Says:

    Although I’m a person who really enjoys sex for its own sake, there’s a completely different dimension in it, too. I like to make my partner feel good. Sometimes I cook him his favorite meals, I give him massages, I buy his favorite foods – I take care of him, just like he does of me.
    And sometimes, sex is just for him, too. Giving him a blowjob, a handjob or just caressing his whole body. He enjoys it, he completely relaxes, he has a calm smile on his face. He just enjoys.

    Of course that’s nothing I do when I don’t want to. I’d never do it if I didn’t feel like it or if it was in any way disgusting to me. But sometimes it feels good to spoil him.

    And what’s in it for me?
    - Just concentrating on someone else and the moment we share can be absolutely meditative. Just feeling and making him feel. Touching his body, feeling his warmth, his softness – all those textures. Wonderful.
    - It’s a way for me to show my love for him. One way of so many.
    - It lets me enjoy and completely relax when he caresses and spoils me. I don’t have to do anything sometimes, too.

  9. Ella Says:

    Although of course I don’t know whether there are any deeper issues you have with sex. Whether you ever have enjoyed it, whether you have had bad experiences.

    And you know: intimacy and sex are not only concentrated on our genitals. Sometimes it can be enough to caress his back. Or kiss, just hold each other and kiss for a while.

  10. heather Says:

    OMW I read these comments and almost passed out. An open marriage, having an affair? Really people? This is why our divorce rate is so high.
    First off it is baby number 3 and your still nursing (btw good for you). It is normal not to be into sex at this time. It is hard to turn that switch when you have a baby on the boob.
    Second not sure if you ever enjoyed sex. I’m guessing you enjoyed intimacy at one time, not sex but intimacy. While your nursing that part of your life is filled.
    Third You need to find the sexy you. You need to feel sexy. Whether it is putting on heels or sexy clothes, hair and make up. Find what makes you feel sexy and a little naughty. It will for sure turn your husband on and having him see you in that light will help.
    It can be hard to recover after having children, I’m on number 5 here, but it is possible. You just have to put some effort into it. And unless your planning on destroying a marriage over sex flings and open marriages are not the way to go. Would make for a great conversation with your kids.

  11. mariah Says:

    Pray to God to give you the desire,eat good food that will increase your drive n watch movies.Don’t be afraid to fall in love again, be adventurous


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