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Your Call: How Often Do F-Buddies Become Girlfriends?

Fri, Oct 7, 2011

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been in an “arrangement” style non-relationship with a dude for nearly a year (I say “arrangement” as I loathe the terms “fuck buddy” or “booty call,” but yes, they are one and the same). We have both seen other people over the course of this time, and it’s never been a big deal, we just see one another when the mood strikes, on a non-regular basis (sometimes once a month, sometimes every 90 days, just depending on our personal relationships at the time).

I don’t know if it’s the lack of other personal relationships of late, or what, but I have recently decided that I wouldn’t mind dating the fella for real, but don’t want to broach the subject for fear I’ll lose the best smoke signal I’ve ever had (again, a substitute for the awful butt buddy title)! I am nearly 100% positive that he’s not interested in more, otherwise I feel he would have made a move or a comment by now (thank you so much, mildly worn copy of He’s Just Not That Into You).

Also, I feel there’s a definite double standard involved here (or perhaps it’s just my paranoia): if a man develops feelings for his female casual sex partner, and the woman is interested, she doesn’t think twice about taking it to the next level. However, if the female develops feelings, the man suddenly has a “she’s tarnished and I could never take an easy broad like her home to Mom” epiphany. I guess what I’m really asking, with no true agenda, just a general wondering is…

How big is the obstacle of going from AssFriend to Girlfriend and is it even truly possible??

– Nookie Monster

What do you think of Nookie Monster’s question? Leave your opinion in the comments section below.

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43 Responses to “Your Call: How Often Do F-Buddies Become Girlfriends?”

  1. Johnny Says:

    For me about 1 in 5 casual sex partners becomes a serious girlfriend.

    I have no such “tarnished, can’t bring an easy broad like her home to Mom” issue. It purely boils down to whether I find myself wanting a real relationship with her. In fact, all my best relationships have been with “easy” women. Love should be easy.

    On the down side, you said you’re “almost 100% certain” that he doesn’t want more, and your gut is probably right.

    On the up side, who says you’re not dating the fella for real? Exclusivity isn’t for everyone. If you’ve been doing this for a year with out anyone going into a ballistic jealous fit, maybe an arrangement of this nature is right for both of you.

  2. Pigeon Says:

    I just don’t think it happens- I just think there’s no reason for him to make it a relationship- you’ve already given away the farm for free

  3. Alex Says:

    @Pigeon: Healthy relationships aren’t just based around getting into each others’ pants. There’s so much more of a person to explore, that if having sex is the main objective for someone to get into a relationship, then they need to reevaluate what a relationship is and what it truly means to them.

    The best way to approach it is honestly and bluntly – expect it to be awkward. You never know what the other person is thinking, and it doesn’t hurt to ask. The more subtle way is to keep it light and simple, maybe make jokes or hint at it in your conversations. If he doesn’t shy away, then pursue it, but if you can tell he’s starting to run for the door then you have your answer.

  4. Jason Says:

    I completely agree with the few responses here. It’ll be hard to get into a relationship now that you’ve been doing this whole arrangement for a year. But you never know till you try.

    I personally had a friend of this nature for good six months, but feelings developed for her and she asked me if I saw her more than just a friend with arrangement. At that point, I was starting to get the same feelings for her so we decided to give it a shot and it’s worked out great so far.

    You won’t know till you are honest with him. What’s the worst that will happen?

  5. Spider Says:

    Going through this RIGHT now… except it’s with my best friend of five years. Both single suddenly, so we’ve been doing the “well, since we aren’t getting it elsewhere” thing.. and its cool because we already have an amazing bond of respect and trust with one another… but now, MY feelings are starting to lean towards the “Hey, if I’m so awesome and we know each other so well already, AND we have this great sexual chemistry.. why aren’t WE dating?” Ugh. If i say anything, I risk losing my very best friend.(Let’s face it, it could end the friendship) If I don’t, I’ll never know what could have been… any answers to this question would be awesome… I need help! :)

  6. ToppHogg Says:

    Speaking as a guy, it’s natural that you would develop feelings for your sex partner, especially if these other relationships you’ve had in between aren’t meeting your needs. I doubt that you are meeting all of his, or you would know whether he’s interested in a more conventional relationship. If he were, he’d be coming around more often than every month or so.

    But what signals are YOU sending? Are you hinting, or can you speak plainly? Are you keeping him at arm’s length? You don’t tell us much about his history – or yours, and he many be recovering from a bad relationship and be unable to meet you halfway. This might be your own condition. More information is necessary before we can offer much assistance.

    So unless you can live with the situation as it is, you had better give up the sex and find someone else more in line with your relationship desires once you understand them.

  7. Emme Says:

    I’ve been in two “arrangements”. The first, I finally decided to break things off after 4 months since I was interested in the possibility of more, but was convinced he was not. When I tried, I did explain that I wanted more and was fine if he didn’t, but needed to cut loose to find someone who did. Turns out he’d been mulling over the same thing for a while and we decided to start dating – needless to say it didn’t work out.

    The second time, I was madly in love with him (I wrote in about this one, actually). I gave the same explanation as the first situation, except saying that I didn’t want to see anyone else, but couldn’t keep sleeping with him without a commitment. He jumped ship. He came back a few weeks later saying he missed me a lot and didn’t want to lose me, so we could be a little more serious, but not quite bf/gf (yeah, I fell for that bullshit – I told you, madly in love lol). That lasted about a month until he went back to calling me only for sex and I got sick of it. We’re no longer seeing eachother anymore.

    Basically, everything is situational. Each situation is unique. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. My only recommendation is talk about it, and soon. Sooner rather than later. I’m terribly sad at the amount of time spent waiting, hoping and wishing for the last guy – almost to the point where I wish we’d never met because I didn’t need to feel broken like that again. Something to consider is that I also think my first “arrangement” didn’t work because he was so used to fwb parameters, that the physical signs of respect weren’t present. Who knows.

  8. jackee Says:

    I’m a female and i say: YES it can work into a one on one boyfriend, girlfrind relationship! I’ve just gone through the very same thing, but i went from boyfriend, girlfriend, then we broke up (unrelated reasons) only still continuing to have sex while remaining great friends. For 1 whole year we did this seeing other people in the mean time. Until finally HE came to me and said he never stopped loving me and wanted me back, of course i said ‘YES.’ All-n-all, i really believe it takes maturity w/ the two people involved. If your not mature enough this could potentially be a “Heart-wrentching Train-wreck”, i believe not all people can do this. My boyfriend and I are still amazed when we look back on how this all came to be. Good luck folks

  9. Zach Says:

    Guys are simple communicators. If you’re reading into what he says or how he acts and interpreting that he isn’t interested in a relationship, you’re making a mistake. At te same time, if you’re giving him hints that you’re interested in a relationship, and expecting him to pick up on the hints, you’re doing it wrong.

    Either 1) he is only interested in you sexually, or 2) he is interested in more but doesn’t want to jeopardize the sexual relationship (just like you!)

    The only way to find out is to ask. There is always the chance that asking in itself will end the relationship, but that really doesn’t seem likely as long as you don’t come across as overly emotionally invested. Think about itt; IF he is only interested in the sexual relationship and you proposition him for dating in such a way that he doesn’t feel like you would be hurt if he said no, he’s not going to stop fuckig you… And he’ll probably trust you more because he knows you’ll be honest and direct.

    So, how do you ask him? Directly. Be straightforward. Make sure he knows youre interested, but not already emotionally invested. Make it clear that you aren’t “falling for him”. Make it clear that you like fucking him. Tell him that, if he’s interested in dating you, you think it’s worth a shot, but that if he just wants to be fuck buddies, youre not going to be broken hearted. That’s it. As long as you make him comfortable with saying no, you’re not going to lose your fuck buddy and you might get more.

  10. Cheap high PR Says:

    If your not mature enough this could potentially be a “Heart-wrentching Train-wreck”, i believe not all people can do this. My boyfriend and I are still amazed when we look back on how this all came to be

  11. sandro Says:

    Had a ONS in May with a guy we were really hot for each other texting everyday. Then we met again had an amazing evening dinner top hotel he was really trying to impress me. Told me he was falling for me but in the next breath said we were fuck buddies. This locked into my mind,the next day he sent me a tender text message to which I responded with a heightened message. He then replied with a loving message and I froze I could not get the fuck buddy phrase he had referred me as the night before out of my mind and did not respond. Two weeks later I had heard nothing so I texted him, he was really put out that I had not contacted him. He lacks confidence but I feel the moment was lost.We have met several times since the last time he kept telling me he loved me and surprise surprise he finished it off with the fuck buddy phrase. I hate all these mixed messages when we are together it is heaven I really love him its the closest Ive felt to anyone more than the husband I was married to for ten years who I have two children with. Anyway I then went on my hols which I had not told him about when I returned he then went away but before he went he arranged to see me on his return in five weeks. I love him and I told him so after he told me. What should I do?

  12. Kelsey Says:

    @sandro RUN!!!!! Nothing good can come of this relationship. I had almost the exact situation and it ended horribly. You may think you are in live with him, but you are only in love with the IDEA of you two being together. He does my love you. If he did, he would be trying to pursue you in more than just a fuck buddy relationship. You deserve better than this. And you WILL find something better than this. But the first step is letting go for the sake of your dignity and mental well-being. Good luck!

  13. sandro Says:

    Thank you Kelsey,Thank you for you kind words, its not what I wanted to hear but I needed the wake up call. Its been 3 weeks since I heard from him and over a month since I last saw him.

  14. Heather Says:

    Okay…here’s where it gets tricky. My current bf and I were coworkers, seemingly no attraction between us, until he made a move that changed everything forever. We decided to proceed with a sexual relationship, and (I’ve been told I have a “guy” mindset) made the rule that neither one would fall for the other. This worked out well for about a month (We hadn’t discussed what we would do about other partners except offhand, saying “I like to be monogamous”) and he slept with a mutual friend. At that point I had been slowly falling for him(despite what I said I would do, because he was sweet, charming, etc, and I had just gotten myself out of an abusive relationship), Wwweeellll, let me tell ya, I pulled back so far that he was literally CRUSHED…he told me that he felt like he had ruined anything we could have potentially had, and I told him I was taking myself out of the situation to allow him to pursue her. That lasted for about three days until Ms Happy Pants moved on to her newest conquest. It took us a while but we eventually got together again. This December will have been a year since we started fooling around. During this time he would casually say things like “YOu know, that’s why I love you”…or “I love that about you”.. The best part was when I went to NY for my week vacation, and he was texting me everyday. I suggested he stop by the stripclub(He frequented it often and knew all the girls by “street” names), and told him to “hook up” if he wanted to…He said “I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize us again. All the while telling me he “wasn’t in the right head space for a relationship”…well I gently reminded him we were only friends at which time he said goodnight and didn’t text me until the next day. Upon arriving home, we decided to sit down and have the “Talk”… at a bar(bad idea, as I got loaded and he got angry and nothing got discussed, other than I wouldn’t throw the past in his face nor he mine). The next day I resumed (Via text since I can be more honest over text) the conversation at which point he called me and said “I like you, I like your bits, we are more than FWB already so I have to be a man and ask you to formally be my gf…” That was 4 months ago now, and things are going swimmingly!! So it CAN happen, sometimes.

  15. Danielle Says:

    Heather, my situation is very similar to yours….but I’m less hopeful. We’ve only slept together a few times but jes already told me he likes me but doesn’t want to date me. When I asked him why I always end up in these situations he explained that he personally likes the chase…..and I gave him none. We’re friends so we decided to end it last week as I told him id be upset if we were at a party and he flirted with another girl in front of me. That was last weekend……I’m expecting him to contact me again for a booty call….and hopefully when I say no…that he’s gonna have to work for it if he wants to spend time with me……he’ll smarten up…

  16. hockeygirl Says:

    I am going through a tricky situation. I worked with the guy, and even though we planned to go out a bunch of times, we only went out 3 very casually. He asked me out to dinner and it didn’t work out. We worked together, I had been out of a relationship for 4 months, and he hasn’t dated in over 3 years due to a bad break up. We have been seeing each other every week or every other week but it is strictly sex. We make small talk, and have gotten to know little about our lives, but not enough about ourselves. I feel like there was potential on the two of us becoming something, but I ruined it by giving it up too easily. The sex is so-so, which makes me wonder why we are still in it (We are both very attractive, just hold back in many ways I think). Is there any chance of things happening? I’m not even sure on how to bring up the idea as we have absolutely no lines/rules/restrictions to this whole arrangement… Thanks!

  17. Joseph McNulty Says:

    How sad that young people live in such an ugly world. Fuck Buddy? Sad. As someone said, dating used to sometimes lead to sex. Now, in a “hook-up culture,” sex sometimes leads to dating. Sex on such an impersonal, bleak basis is just shaking hands with your clothes off. Better to do without sex.

  18. Michael Says:

    Seeing as there are a number of ladies here;
    I met this girl through a mutual friend, she cooked me dinner, hung out a bit and next thing I know we were in her bed. Sex was amazing.
    Carried on seeing her for a week or so, awesome sex nearly every night which was probably a bad idea on my part. In the end I told her that casual sex wasn’t what I was interested in and would rather pursue a relationship. She’s scared of commitment however agreed, and things went ok.
    She went on holidays for 3 weeks (planned before we got together) and we texted every night. Sayin she missed me, was thinkin of coming home early because she wasn’t with me etc.
    Got home from work and she had surprised me at home by wearing some sexy lingerie in my bed (she had a key to let herself in, and I had one for her place).
    Over the next few weeks things got pretty quiet between us, and on the weekend she decided to tell me she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore (I still think she’s just scared of commitment). Barely spoke but saw her Xmas night (only planned on seeing her for an hour or so) where we had a bit if a talk and she went really quite. I told her to tell me what was on her mind and after some consideration and prompting to just say it (she said I probably didn’t want to hear it) she told me that she loved me. I asked if that’s what she feels then why is it that she doesn’t want the relationship side of things and she doesn’t know. She wants to do everything a couple does, spend the night, cuddles, sex, dinner together etc but doesn’t want the commitment of a relationship. I asked how she felt if I was to sleep with someone else and she said she would ask not to see me again as we could be “exclusive” fwb…

    My first reaction was that i either had to have the relationship, or nothing at all and would walk away, but I care a lot about her and have told her that I loved her too. So i backed down on that and told her that it had to be an exclusive thing or nothing at all. I decided on this path because I don’t want to pressure her into a relationship but hope that she decides that’s what she wants in the end. Am I doing the right thing, or should I just walk away?

  19. EveR Says:

    Hi i am a female and i have a fwb for about 4 years maybe.
    We always see each other like twice a month or three time it depends,.
    Well we barely have conversations in person i think we comunicate better over fb or text msgs.
    When i met him i only had one kid and he didnt have none after a few months that we stoped seeing each other, when i saw him again he told me he had a daughter it didnt bother me at all. So we ketp seeing each other maybe every week, after a while i got into a relationship and got pregnant and while pregnant and leaving woth the baby father he always ketp in touch saying that he wanted to see me and that he missed me, well after i have my baby he tried to see me but i didnt bcuz i was in a relationship but after my babydad and i split up we started seeing again then he move to ATL and he was telling me to come over to atl for the weekend and stuff but i couldnt go bcuz of my kids and money.
    The day after he came back from atl he contacted me and we saw each other since then, its not every week but atleast three times a month.
    My question is that why cant we get over eqch other i even asked him once if he is going to stop seeing me when ever he gets a gf and he told me IDK.
    Helppp what should i do??

  20. Mark Says:

    You are wasting your life. Go find someone that values and wants to be with you. This guy has taken 4 years of your life and distracted you from far more important issues.

  21. Spazzi Says:

    What if you dated the person an now are f*** buddies but because there used to be strong feelings between the two is it possible to develop a relationship again??

  22. Loly Says:

    Hi,

    I have a FWB and we’ve been like this for 8 months and since 1st day we agreed to be just FwB.. He sees other girls and I have seen other guys but in my case, nothing else than a casual date to the movies or dinner.I stay in his apt almost every weekend..we talk everyday on the phone. I think I will back off a little bit to see if he realize if he have feelings for me or not.. I knoe I have feelings for him and hr knows it…

  23. Onna Says:

    I need help too! I have a fwb situation & we agreed it would stay that way but I notice my feelings are growing stronger for him. The sex is absolutely amazing & I’m terrified if I tell him I want more, it will be a deal breaker & I will lose my ‘buddy’ altogether. Should I let the sleeping dog lay? We text a lot but have only slept together a few times.

  24. emily Says:

    Be positive. I had a long distance fb and were serious bf and gf. At times I wanted to give up cuz he didn’t want a long distance relationship. But it worked..I love my man.

  25. Purity Says:

    So… Ive had a f%*K buddy for 10 yrs… And im am madly inlove with him and i always have been. In the past 10 years ive had a couple of serious boyfriends and i have a kid, he has no children and none of his girlfriends have lasted long and we still see eachother whenever we want to but the thing is that im getting to that point in life to where i really want a real family and so does he because he has told me about it. But it just never seems to get serious enough to actually do something about it and whenever i try he gets all wierd about it and avoids talking about it in person. I keep gettting mixed signals from him about trying to have a real relationship and i dont know what to do :/

  26. VL 47 Says:

    ok so i have known this guy since we were 11 years old,we were best friends until we went our separate ways in our 20′s.we had the odd kiss but nothing else,we recently,last year,met up after 20 years he was in a relationship that wasnt going well,we bacame instant friends again and met on several occasions,the subject of f buddies came up..we both agreed to try it,it was all going really well(he is now single) until he told me he had been on a date with someone and they had slept together…i felt totally let down and odd about the situation..he heard it in my voice and text me asking if i wanted more than F Buddies..i took a while to answer but said i did..he immediately changed towards me,saying that he wanted to be my friend and he thought thats what we were…i told him i was not going to sleep with him whilst he was dating other women,i don’t understand why he asked me what i wanted..when he was clearly going to turn me down!! he had his Ego boost ..and now we are hardly talking..he was a really good friend and now….i feel i’ve lost him…he had recently been much more affectionate towards me so i thought he felt the same…how could i have got it so wrong??

  27. Jessica Says:

    I need help from a guys point, my female friends aren’t much help cause they say he wants more n probably just scared I’d reject anything he say “but” I don’t believe he does, I just think he’s an odd fuck buddy lol!

    We had an on n off fb relationship for about two years, I was the only one breaking off or thing to date someone. Soon as the relationship was over I’d contact him for sex. We don’t go anywhere but he use to ask me in.the beginning but I’d say no every time, so he stopped asking. I made rules simple no kissing or making love. Well toward the end he got weird!! He became playful, kissed me, tried to kiss me during sex, oh n he got mad I was texting people while we were together. Well I stopped talking to him after that. End of that part of the story.

    So 3 years pass n I find him so we can hook up again. Lol yeah yeah shouldn’t have, but he’s good at what he does lol! Anyways this time around he came over just to hang out!! ha

  28. Harper Q. Says:

    Similar situation to many of you guys..
    Met a guy one day, he approached me while we were both out in town. We talked for a little bit, and he asked for my number. I said sure.
    First day we met, we had dinner and watched a movie. The chemistry was popping! We started getting physical and although I was scared when he put it on me (first time having sex in a while) I took the D. It wasn’t fantastic, but every time we have met since then the sex gets better and better. (but without me having an orgasm, just great cardio lol)

    One time, he came outside my house saying that we need to talk. I was scared as hell, ’cause good things never come from “the talk”. He told me that day that he has a son, which means although he isn’t with the baby mother, she can be a mean ass. I said, alright cool. I didn’t know what to say, so I went a little bit quiet on him for a few weeks. I then hit him up after some time just to see how he was doing, didn’t wanna look like a bitch for just shutting him out like that, which he understood. I also said the next time I see him, I wanted to talk to him, to which he agreed.
    The next time I saw him, I basically said to him “look, I know we’re not together which is cool, but for you to tell about your son and your baby mother knowing a lot of dogs would have conveniently left that shit out, it must be somewhat of a big deal and we don’t have to continue if this’ll make shit weird for you. If we’re just “dating” or “Seeing eachother” or quite bluntly, “fucking”, then I don’t know if it’s worth the hassle you might get, especially if you’re got history with her. What we have, is not worth the stress so we can end shit here on a completely humble and friendly tip and it won’t be a thing.” I was just being honest, and trying to think logically to which he replied that “although what we have isn’t necessarily serious, I’m NOT with her, she is a vindictive bitch that just likes to keep tabs on me, but I like you and want to continue seeing you”. I asked if he was sure ’cause we really don’t have to do this and he insisted. So we continued.

    Now don’t get me wrong, it’s easy for females to get caught up. When the conversations good, the chemistry a plus and you actually talk all the time, you can get shit twisted. I tried my best not to do that. Whenever my mind started wandering, I would snap myself back into reality real quick. Told myself know your place, know your role. It’s just sex. and after a year without sex, just the thought of going two months without it can give you the shakes!!! Loooool. I noticed the conversation deteriorating over time, and the calls would go from twice every day, to once every two or three days. I made myself stop calling him as much also, as I am NO ONE’S BUG A BOO. But as of lately, I’ve been thinking that as much as there’s no harm in a little fun so long as you’re being smart and responsible about it, I started to question myself as a woman. Now I don’t expect a relationship from this guy as we got into real quick and I’m real enough to accept that. But what’s got me thinking if I should rethink this whole shit, is that I’ve never really had a proper relationship before. Not that I fuck every guy I’m dealing with, BECAUSE I DON’T, but..from him picking me up, and taking me home, to me leaving my house to walk to his (he lives ten minutes by foot from me) at these booty call hours, walking back on my own when people are starting to get up for work, made me wonder if I was any more or less than these younger folk (not significantly younger but still) who have their fuck buddies at the very LEAST walk em to the bus stop. And on top of that, I give him the wickedest nuts! Yet I never “come” when we have sex! As someone with a lack of relationship experience, I said that there must be some things I must learn about myself, and men, and work on being a better woman to present myself as girlfriend material later on in life. I’m not saying I want it from him, I want this for myself. But maybe this involvement with him may be hindering my progress. Am I wrong for wanting to break this shit off to work on me? Or am I just being a simple bitch for not knowing what the situation is and finding an excuse to break out so I don’t look like a hoe?

  29. Marina Says:

    So I met this guy through friends and we all went for drinks and clubbing. At the club we made out over and over, he said he would take me home. I currently live with my sister and I really wanted to get it on, so I told him I didnt feel like going home. We went to a motel nearby and got it on. Since prettyuch I dropped the ball by saying I dont wanna go home, was expecting pretty much a ONS treatment. But he asked if I wanted breakfast n conversation was
    great and it lead to a next date withno sex. He
    would call and text and we sort of were
    dating… we never defined anything. About 2
    ereks into this was my bday and he came with a present and a card… Then about a month after I realized he wad losing interest. I was
    into him so had “the talk” and I decided to call it
    off, he seemed to understand but no objection.

    Then about 2 months after I called him and we met for drinks till then was not sure if it was a booty call but sure it was. Then I felt a bit sad as I still had feelings but he didnt seem to.

    About 3 months after which is 2 weeks ago I drunkdialed and we met and just did our thing. Then again last week. I now know why I am meeting, no longer for a relationship, I think it is because I like to be intimate with HIM n currently not seeing anyone.

    I wanna keep it less frequent but have ground rules like only when we r single and such. Also all the booty calls were made by me and he would come to me. I sort of like it that way as it is upon my convenience but also wonder why he would not….Also scared that if I even bring up any kind of talk to define anything this he will will just vanish. Some friends say to stay
    away as he doesnt seem to value anything. I dunno what to do… just forget it until I am in the mood again… is he not even fbuddy material? Hmmm any feedback would help thanks!

  30. Lisa Says:

    I have a problem.
    I was dating a guy for almost 2 years and during our relationship we had a lot of arguments which ended in a break up.
    It has ben 5 months since the break up and 3 months ago we decided to become FWB.
    I keep thinking that he still loves me and wants me but he says that dont but his actions says something else.
    We both are not seeing other people and during this time we have only been with eachother.
    Also, he still has the keyring I bought him long time ago which says “always yours” with a heart shape and our pictures togheter are still on his phone. what should i do

  31. Megan Wilson Says:

    Hey everyone,

    FB are awful but they’re all I know. Guys never take me seriously and treat me like a whore I hate it but I have a lot of issues. We deserve better than guys trying to just use us like urinals only to relieve themselves and toss aside when they’re done. Someone please pray for me I really need help getting my life back together. I hate the way guys treat me. They have no respect for me. It’s just depressing. I’ve had soooo many friends with benefits and one night standst. I just wish I could either die from the shame and guilt or help myself get my shit together. I don’t know why I am like this….I was bullied when I was younger and I didn’t really have a dad growing up. Have trouble making friends. Please guys pray for me that I either die or get help. I can’t afford therapy. I would give anything to be normal. I just want to be fixed of this problem.

  32. Nina Says:

    Hi,
    i had feelings for him for a while and finally became his fuck buddy not long ago…i honestly believe we have chemistry…sometimes he seems to cherish me…on an impulse i told him we should try sth new on valentines day…but he said sorry, i dont think this relationship will last long, i wanted to cry but i simply smiled and said it is probably for the best. Did he mean it?
    Or is it because he is my brothers friend?
    Or is it because i ask him about other girls he is interested in and i talk about other guys?
    What should i do?i am smitten.

  33. Eva Says:

    @Megan Wilson- I will keep you in my prayers. I have been in a few unhealthy relationships ( verbally abusive,etc) n we all live N learn. Megan I suggest u read a book titled ” Why man marry bitches” also remember . As women we DONT need a man.
    In my 20s I would jump from one relationship 2 the next never really taking time to be single. I have learned that being single is AWESOME !! so much freedom n no one to check in with.

    If I may make a suggestion 4 all the girls/or guys that settled as FB( n I have done that also) I recommend to work on your self esteem n confidence . Respect starts with the individual. Love yourself N respect yourself N others will follow.

    For a long time I struggled with that UNTIL I graduated w my MBA got a great job n started making good money. So for Megan and ALL the other girls that made the mistake of settling and letting guys walk all over them . Take a stand , believe in yourself and SAY NO.
    Maybe he ll walk away so what??? there s so many guys OUT there , I m sure u ll find someone BETTER !

    Keep ur head up n keep going !

  34. Lyss Says:

    Okay so how do I word this exactly? “So…would you ever consider dating me?” (expect awkward silence).

  35. Mary Says:

    I first met the man who will become my FB in 2010, when I first sat behind him in a class I was taking at a community college. We talked a little bit since we had to work in groups. I thought him handsome and funny. I again met him a year after in another class, and it was not until the end of the semester that he decided to sit next to me instead. He was being friendly, I guess. And then on the day of out finals, I went to school an hour early, and I ran into him in the parking lot. I told him I was going to get some last minute study done, and he said he was going to nap, but I guess since he wanted to be around me instead, he joined me. Of course I didn’t get any studying done because he was asking me whether I had children, a husband, etc. And I was shocked. I’ve never really been asked these questions before. And I told him that no to all of that, that I never had a bf at all, that I was still a virgin. Then he asked me… If I wanted to give him head. And I was so speechless that I never answered his question. So we went to class, I did my final right next to him, and left. I felt stupid. And I was thinking maybe I should’ve said yes. Anyway, I thought that was the last I saw him because he said he was graduating that semester…

    But a year later, I was walking to class one day, and there he was walking towards me! At first I wasn’t sure, but then I was certain. Our eyes locked, just like the other times when we ran into each other the year before and the year before that. And even when we walked passed each other, when I turned around to have another good look at him, his head turned looking at me. It was then a couple of weeks later, that righ after I was walking up the stairs, I turned and ran straight into him. This time we actually talked. And I was so nervous. But he had to go back to work, so he gave me his number.

    Well, after mulling over whether to talk to him, I took the plunge and called him. We talked about classes and such. Until he changed the subject about bjs. And I thought, “Why not? I want to give it a try, since I never gave head before.” And at the time, I was 24. And I had no sexual experience whatsoever. Not even a kiss because I was so sheltered and used to be religious.

    So we met up. I gave my first bj. Then we kept seeing other but nothing like dates. I just meet him in his car, and we would do it in the parking lot. And it was frequent, about every week or other week. Then it became less so after that. A couple times at his place.

    Now, it had been over a year since we’ve been meeting like this. And I believe it was about thrice he told me has no room on his life for a girlfriend because he’s working two jobs and going to school. And earlier this year it was right after we did it, he was straightforward and said that we were not boyfriend/girlfriend.

    When I started seeing him, I was so okay that this won’t lead to anything. I had no expectations, and I didn’t even hope that this will become a relationship. But them I became confused because I realised I do want something with him, but I don’t think I’m good enough for him. But I am pretty sure that he is dead set on never having a relationship with me but I find it hard to just go. Because I do care about him and I love seeing him. But he just seems not interested. So now that I am at the point that I want a proper relationship, I am determined to end it with him the next time I see him. It is only going to get even harder the longer I wait. But I am afraid that I won’t follow through and just end up running away and ignoring the problem.

  36. dallas Says:

    ^cut him off. He’s not giving you what you need, and continuing to see him (and fuck him) will heighten your expectations and get you more emotionally involved. Don’t worry about “not being good enough for him,” that’s hogwash. Cut your losses and move on, do what’s best for you. He is telling you clearly what he wants, and whatever his reasons behind it are, they’re not anything you need to be concerned about. You need to be concerned with what YOU want, and if you want something more serious or a relationship, find a guy who will give you that, and value you for more than just your blow jobs.

  37. Saradenver Says:

    **Help**** ok long story but I really need help! I have been really good friends with this guy for 7 years we have always had a great friendship! The past 2 years we have been texting and hanging out all the time while the past year I got divorced! So after separating from my husband. This guy was always there for me for advice and just someone I could talk to. I was starting to think that maybe we could have something since we have so many things in common. We both enjoy music together we both sing and record ect. He can finish my sentences and can know what I am thinking or feeling! One night after work we went to a early breakfast and we kissed! He said I know you are in love with me, I played shy and acted as if I wasn’t but he knew!!! Well we kinda messed around in the car and ending our night with a awkward kiss! The next day I thought oh no this is goin to be weird but it wasn’t! He asked if he could kiss me again! We were hanging out after that like 4-5 days out of the week! We always have such a good time together. He always used to say before anything happen that I was his kindred spirit!!
    After messing around a few times, he wanted to have sex with me, I told him that I am not like that and he should know that by now! I told him I wouldn’t have sex unless I was in a commented relationship since at that point I had only been with 2 people in my life! He agreed and understood and that was as far as we went oral play and kissing, holding hand ect! After a few months of all that he went out of town for work for a month calling me 2 times and texting a million times a day! He would call to make sure I don’t forget about him and tell me that he misses me ect. Oh by the way he had a 2 girls that he had been seeing for a 6 months prior to me messing around with! He told me when we were strictly friends that try we’re pretty much booty calls! So anyways after him being gone out of town for a month he the day he got back we meet up at the bar and I listened to him and his band play. I went home and he text me! I ended up inviting him to my house for a movie at midnight! We ended up falling asleep on the coutch and then I woke up and went to my bed! He followed right behind! We ended up having sex that night and it was really good! He left at 5am because his dad knew he would have been with me! The next day he texts me and tells me he is leaving in 3 days and will be gone out of state for 5 months!! I was so upset that he was leaving right when our irons were warming up with the band and us! I called him to my house and he promised me he wouldn’t be seeing his long distance booty call anymore and I just wanted to know if we were GF BF thing or what it was! And if it meant anything to him or if I now was one of his booty call girls! He said he knew why I called him over and that it meant more to him and It wasn’t just a F** he said he would have ran from my call if it was. He reassured me that everything would work out, and that he doesn’t want a girlfriend at this time because he is leaving! He said that he doesn’t want to lead me on but that might change when he comes home! He does have the reputation of breaking hearts and I knew that before I did anything with him. All my friends say he is going to break me into pieces but in the back of my mind I know what a great friend he is! And when he used to be married he was such a great husband! Oh and one of his booty call girls thinks that they are boyfriend and girl friends! I asked him about it and he says that he doesn’t have a girlfriend ad still has no intuitions of having one! This was kinda hard to ear since he has been gone 2 months and texting at least every other day! One day he told me that he kinda wished he didn’t leave but needed to wonder right now while he still can!! I asked him what he meant and he said you never know what will happen! I also told him if he doesn’t want a girlfriend he needs to let me go! And not to drag me along. He replied and sayed he can’t let me go! I asked why! He said because he can’t! I told him I don’t want him to let me go either and does that mean you want to give us a chance! His reply was damn put me on the spot! And all I said was guess that’s my answer!! :(

    Also this guy is afraid to be broken hearted and has had some really messed up ex wife’s!! I know that’s part of his problem

    We still are texting everyday or every other day! Oh and the long distance Girl is gone totally done!
    Should I let him go? Should I see how it is when he comes back?
    Oh and the booty call girl I see once a week were we work and it is weird when all three of us are in the same room! She has to know about me!!

    Please help what should I do?

  38. Miss Thang Says:

    I think it can turn into something more. When dating your expecting or hoping for it to turn into a long term relationship. When its just a hook up your not really expecting more than that. So I think its possible for it turn into something more if your both into it turning into something more if it comes to that point. Hell you already know by than if your compatible sexually. Personally I hate putting so much time in a so-called relationship & to find out we are definitely not compatible sexual. Than I just get bored.

  39. Xx Says:

    So I’ve been hooking up with a guy I slept with 3 times when we met ok holiday.
    Since we got back the sex is great and his the one messaging me and I know it’s only sex. But is there a chance he would ever see me as something more or should I accept that I’m just an exclusive fwb?
    I really fancy him but I’m not sure what he thinks of me.

  40. Lilly Says:

    Its funny seeing all these responses- honestly the whole situation of fb/ emotions/ confusion is enough to turn anyone mental. I’ve just recently removed myself from a confusing fb/ casual/ situation as I found the whole thing incredibly draining emotionally.
    My problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted relationship wise- also it started out purely physical, then more fwb, then things got kinda awkward and we settled on friendship ( in other words platonic) Trying to define what it was in the end was tricky- mainly because the whole rules of casual dating and sex is so clear these days that my situation didn’t really fit into any of the three types of scenarios.

    Has anyone ever been in the situation where casual no strings attached sex, migrates to friendship? Interested to see someonelses take on it from a guys perspective.

    As far as advice for everyone else here- lay the ground rules down early and don’t be afraid to speak up about what u want and if u have no idea of what ur after- don’t go there :)

  41. Ana Says:

    I read basically all the comments over here and I’m more confused. I have been in a fuck buddy relationship for 3 years now. In the begging it was more regular, what I mean is that we used to see each other and text more often. After that we argued and we didn’t talk like for months. After that we met again we cleared things, he told me that he couldn’t offer me anything more than sex. I refused in the beging but as I thought I had fall in love Iaccepted. After a while he got in a real relationship and I did the same, but he kept on texting me. When I broke up with my bf I called him and we met again. After that we didn’t see each other for 5 months. Till one day I couldn’t wait any more and texted him. We arranged it to meet and since than we see each other once per month. Meanwhile I tried to get in an other relationship, but it didn’t work so I kept on seeing the first guy. I used to think that I was madly in love, but now I think that I do love him, but he maybe not the man of my life even though Ican’t stop seeing him. What I really wan to know is what do you think about him? I mean guys don’t usually stay for such a long time with a girl even if it is a fuck buddy thing. I need some opinions ..

  42. Johanne Says:

    I’ve had this arrangement for about 8 months with this guy, in the beginning it was twice a month or would be a day after the next during weekends only.. We usually do the meeting after we both get home from a party so drunk wanting each other. We kept it very casual from no small talks just straight to business. I and him have been going on dates with other people, but me nd him have never been on a date or anything outside of bed (which is understandable being the arrangement) we slowly started seeing each other once a month. But i’ve changed my ways of wanting a relationship in general not specifically with him, and been going to parties less, therefore when we do an encounter with each other, i’ve been very sober. The two last times have been very different from the rest of the times, he asks me personal questions, about myself, family and bestfriend. As well as we’ve been talking about what we want in a relationship when we find some one, he then told me i’m his type, miss perfect, how he likes everything about me and started to name each thing, then once again mentioned how when i find some one to let him know, rather then to flee without any warning. Afterwards he txted me that same day while i was at work asking how my day was going and thanking me for a “perfect moment this morning” i responded by saying something more casual and flirty. This last time i met with him, was afternoon because he was very insisting, we went straight to the point but our talks became deeper from dates to relationships and to marriage, i then realized we are both looking for the same things in life… he then told me how after the last time we’ve seen each other he hasn’t slept with any one else, and added “i don’t know why i’m telling you this..you obviously don’t care” i then told him it’s been a month and he said no its been two months, i corrected him and told him the exact date being only a month. When we cuddle we fall asleep in each others arms, and he plays footsie with me and doesn’t let me go and kisses my head while we’re asleep. He then told me how he hasn’t had this with any girl before (an arrangement like this and it lasting this long) he continued asking me my likes (movies, food, entertainment like museums etc) we then continued into showing each other pictures of our siblings and things that matter to us and he showed me a baby picture of himself. I’ve been wondering since i left what is this? my friends tell me he likes me and should give it a shot instead of going on several dates with guys that it isn’t working with. But i feel like it also isn’t right because it’s mixed signals he says one thing then mentions when he finds a girlfriend etc. I don’t know whether to stop this arrangement before i develop feelings? or if i’m over analyzing this. If he actually likes me or not. (We also have a 7 years age difference) I need advice!

  43. MsFab Says:

    I met this guy at a bar four weeks ago . I slept with him on the first night and was ok to only see him as a one night stand. He then took my number and texted and called everyday we spend the week together going to movies and supper and he asked me to sleep over at his place we then ended ups seeing each other the entire week. But on the weekend he disappeared. I was a bit suspicious and asked him where he was and he told me upfront that he is in a relationship, I was furious and told him if told me this the first night I met him I would have just had a one night stand , but now he spend the entire week with me and made me believe that he wanted me as a girlfriend but disappeared the weekend to with his girlfriend. I immediately stopped taking his calls and did not want to see him any longer , he phoned and begged and asked me to meet with him .He send me a text message saying that he is in a relationship with this girl and cant just break up with her cause there is feelings involved but he loves who I am and likes being with me. He then send a message asking if we can be friends and he want to make up for hurting me by taking me to movies and supper. I met with him and played it cool as if I didn’t care about him and he was very deep in his conversations about how me not talking with him for a week made him relations how he has fallen for me . We had dinner and went to movies also hanged out at his favorite bar playing pool. We ended up seeing each other everyday same as before , cause I agreed to the friend’s with benefits idea as I thought I could handle it. We together every night (weekdays) Monday to Saturday mornings and on Saturday and Sunday’s he disappears to the girlfriend and on holidays he go to his mother in Port Elisabeth the without his girlfriend. On weekends and holidays he doesn’t text or calls me. But during the week he text and call and make all sort of plans to take me out for dinners, theatre, movies we do fun stuff during the week but on weekends he disappears. When we hook up during the week I don’t ask him where he’s been but he will hint and tell me he’s activities I also don’t tell him what I’ve been up to and he will ask me indirectly but I never give him a complete answer as I want him to think I’m also seeing someone on weekends. He is looking for a place to live and asked if he can rent an apartment in my area or complex. He is saying all the right things , he is everything I want in a man ( personality and character ) but he is a man who has trouble with commitments) I also know this because of because of what I’ve learned form his past. But he will also spend nights with me not having sex and he enjoys caressing me and cudgeling , there would be night when I make excuses not to see him but he would beg to come over and say things like he cant sleep without having me near. He disappears on weekends and never calls or answers his phone but he gets depressed and sad when I disappear for a few days and don’t answer my calls. i sometime give him some of his own medicine hoping he will make up his mind about what he wants with me. we have now been seeing each other for 4 weeks and I’m scared cause him falling for him , we communicate allot about everything but i never talk about my feelings and he tells me he is falling for me but often said “he is scared of me” , he also once said that I seem like the person who he can fall in love with and then i leave him . What do I do as it seemed like we both scared of being hurt but I’m even more scared that he has this all figured out and he’s playing me and I’m the one who’s been taken for a ride. I’ve had booty calls and one nights stands before but nothing so close to the real relationship like this. He says and does all the right things when with me and he is completely honest about what he does and his relationship with this other girl but made it clear that he is having trouble with her and he likes being with me. So what do I do for me not to get hurt by this guy cause he tells me he doesn’t want to loose me and on the other hand he’s still seeing the other woman. I also don’t sit and wait for him on weekends I flirt and see other guys , I go out clubbing and he seemed jealous when he knows that and he also seemed jealous about the caliber of men he knows is after me . I have professional job and earn more than him , my lifestyle and living is extravagant “according to him”. He also hint one day that he cant match up to the kind of guys I use to date or the guys that he heard is interested in me. But I like him for his personality , his character and how he treats me when I’m with him and the respect he shows me.


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