We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been in an “arrangement” style non-relationship with a dude for nearly a year (I say “arrangement” as I loathe the terms “fuck buddy” or “booty call,” but yes, they are one and the same). We have both seen other people over the course of this time, and it’s never been a big deal, we just see one another when the mood strikes, on a non-regular basis (sometimes once a month, sometimes every 90 days, just depending on our personal relationships at the time).
I don’t know if it’s the lack of other personal relationships of late, or what, but I have recently decided that I wouldn’t mind dating the fella for real, but don’t want to broach the subject for fear I’ll lose the best smoke signal I’ve ever had (again, a substitute for the awful butt buddy title)! I am nearly 100% positive that he’s not interested in more, otherwise I feel he would have made a move or a comment by now (thank you so much, mildly worn copy of He’s Just Not That Into You).
Also, I feel there’s a definite double standard involved here (or perhaps it’s just my paranoia): if a man develops feelings for his female casual sex partner, and the woman is interested, she doesn’t think twice about taking it to the next level. However, if the female develops feelings, the man suddenly has a “she’s tarnished and I could never take an easy broad like her home to Mom” epiphany. I guess what I’m really asking, with no true agenda, just a general wondering is…
How big is the obstacle of going from AssFriend to Girlfriend and is it even truly possible??
– Nookie Monster
What do you think of Nookie Monster’s question? Leave your opinion in the comments section below.
October 7th, 2011 at 8:16 am
For me about 1 in 5 casual sex partners becomes a serious girlfriend.
I have no such “tarnished, can’t bring an easy broad like her home to Mom” issue. It purely boils down to whether I find myself wanting a real relationship with her. In fact, all my best relationships have been with “easy” women. Love should be easy.
On the down side, you said you’re “almost 100% certain” that he doesn’t want more, and your gut is probably right.
On the up side, who says you’re not dating the fella for real? Exclusivity isn’t for everyone. If you’ve been doing this for a year with out anyone going into a ballistic jealous fit, maybe an arrangement of this nature is right for both of you.
October 7th, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I just don’t think it happens- I just think there’s no reason for him to make it a relationship- you’ve already given away the farm for free
October 7th, 2011 at 4:42 pm
@Pigeon: Healthy relationships aren’t just based around getting into each others’ pants. There’s so much more of a person to explore, that if having sex is the main objective for someone to get into a relationship, then they need to reevaluate what a relationship is and what it truly means to them.
The best way to approach it is honestly and bluntly – expect it to be awkward. You never know what the other person is thinking, and it doesn’t hurt to ask. The more subtle way is to keep it light and simple, maybe make jokes or hint at it in your conversations. If he doesn’t shy away, then pursue it, but if you can tell he’s starting to run for the door then you have your answer.
October 9th, 2011 at 5:26 pm
I completely agree with the few responses here. It’ll be hard to get into a relationship now that you’ve been doing this whole arrangement for a year. But you never know till you try.
I personally had a friend of this nature for good six months, but feelings developed for her and she asked me if I saw her more than just a friend with arrangement. At that point, I was starting to get the same feelings for her so we decided to give it a shot and it’s worked out great so far.
You won’t know till you are honest with him. What’s the worst that will happen?
October 9th, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Going through this RIGHT now… except it’s with my best friend of five years. Both single suddenly, so we’ve been doing the “well, since we aren’t getting it elsewhere” thing.. and its cool because we already have an amazing bond of respect and trust with one another… but now, MY feelings are starting to lean towards the “Hey, if I’m so awesome and we know each other so well already, AND we have this great sexual chemistry.. why aren’t WE dating?” Ugh. If i say anything, I risk losing my very best friend.(Let’s face it, it could end the friendship) If I don’t, I’ll never know what could have been… any answers to this question would be awesome… I need help!
October 10th, 2011 at 3:18 am
Speaking as a guy, it’s natural that you would develop feelings for your sex partner, especially if these other relationships you’ve had in between aren’t meeting your needs. I doubt that you are meeting all of his, or you would know whether he’s interested in a more conventional relationship. If he were, he’d be coming around more often than every month or so.
But what signals are YOU sending? Are you hinting, or can you speak plainly? Are you keeping him at arm’s length? You don’t tell us much about his history – or yours, and he many be recovering from a bad relationship and be unable to meet you halfway. This might be your own condition. More information is necessary before we can offer much assistance.
So unless you can live with the situation as it is, you had better give up the sex and find someone else more in line with your relationship desires once you understand them.
October 12th, 2011 at 12:52 pm
I’ve been in two “arrangements”. The first, I finally decided to break things off after 4 months since I was interested in the possibility of more, but was convinced he was not. When I tried, I did explain that I wanted more and was fine if he didn’t, but needed to cut loose to find someone who did. Turns out he’d been mulling over the same thing for a while and we decided to start dating – needless to say it didn’t work out.
The second time, I was madly in love with him (I wrote in about this one, actually). I gave the same explanation as the first situation, except saying that I didn’t want to see anyone else, but couldn’t keep sleeping with him without a commitment. He jumped ship. He came back a few weeks later saying he missed me a lot and didn’t want to lose me, so we could be a little more serious, but not quite bf/gf (yeah, I fell for that bullshit – I told you, madly in love lol). That lasted about a month until he went back to calling me only for sex and I got sick of it. We’re no longer seeing eachother anymore.
Basically, everything is situational. Each situation is unique. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. My only recommendation is talk about it, and soon. Sooner rather than later. I’m terribly sad at the amount of time spent waiting, hoping and wishing for the last guy – almost to the point where I wish we’d never met because I didn’t need to feel broken like that again. Something to consider is that I also think my first “arrangement” didn’t work because he was so used to fwb parameters, that the physical signs of respect weren’t present. Who knows.
October 12th, 2011 at 2:53 pm
I’m a female and i say: YES it can work into a one on one boyfriend, girlfrind relationship! I’ve just gone through the very same thing, but i went from boyfriend, girlfriend, then we broke up (unrelated reasons) only still continuing to have sex while remaining great friends. For 1 whole year we did this seeing other people in the mean time. Until finally HE came to me and said he never stopped loving me and wanted me back, of course i said ‘YES.’ All-n-all, i really believe it takes maturity w/ the two people involved. If your not mature enough this could potentially be a “Heart-wrentching Train-wreck”, i believe not all people can do this. My boyfriend and I are still amazed when we look back on how this all came to be. Good luck folks
October 21st, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Guys are simple communicators. If you’re reading into what he says or how he acts and interpreting that he isn’t interested in a relationship, you’re making a mistake. At te same time, if you’re giving him hints that you’re interested in a relationship, and expecting him to pick up on the hints, you’re doing it wrong.
Either 1) he is only interested in you sexually, or 2) he is interested in more but doesn’t want to jeopardize the sexual relationship (just like you!)
The only way to find out is to ask. There is always the chance that asking in itself will end the relationship, but that really doesn’t seem likely as long as you don’t come across as overly emotionally invested. Think about itt; IF he is only interested in the sexual relationship and you proposition him for dating in such a way that he doesn’t feel like you would be hurt if he said no, he’s not going to stop fuckig you… And he’ll probably trust you more because he knows you’ll be honest and direct.
So, how do you ask him? Directly. Be straightforward. Make sure he knows youre interested, but not already emotionally invested. Make it clear that you aren’t “falling for him”. Make it clear that you like fucking him. Tell him that, if he’s interested in dating you, you think it’s worth a shot, but that if he just wants to be fuck buddies, youre not going to be broken hearted. That’s it. As long as you make him comfortable with saying no, you’re not going to lose your fuck buddy and you might get more.
December 15th, 2011 at 10:12 am
If your not mature enough this could potentially be a “Heart-wrentching Train-wreck”, i believe not all people can do this. My boyfriend and I are still amazed when we look back on how this all came to be
October 3rd, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Had a ONS in May with a guy we were really hot for each other texting everyday. Then we met again had an amazing evening dinner top hotel he was really trying to impress me. Told me he was falling for me but in the next breath said we were fuck buddies. This locked into my mind,the next day he sent me a tender text message to which I responded with a heightened message. He then replied with a loving message and I froze I could not get the fuck buddy phrase he had referred me as the night before out of my mind and did not respond. Two weeks later I had heard nothing so I texted him, he was really put out that I had not contacted him. He lacks confidence but I feel the moment was lost.We have met several times since the last time he kept telling me he loved me and surprise surprise he finished it off with the fuck buddy phrase. I hate all these mixed messages when we are together it is heaven I really love him its the closest Ive felt to anyone more than the husband I was married to for ten years who I have two children with. Anyway I then went on my hols which I had not told him about when I returned he then went away but before he went he arranged to see me on his return in five weeks. I love him and I told him so after he told me. What should I do?
October 8th, 2012 at 12:23 pm
@sandro RUN!!!!! Nothing good can come of this relationship. I had almost the exact situation and it ended horribly. You may think you are in live with him, but you are only in love with the IDEA of you two being together. He does my love you. If he did, he would be trying to pursue you in more than just a fuck buddy relationship. You deserve better than this. And you WILL find something better than this. But the first step is letting go for the sake of your dignity and mental well-being. Good luck!
October 8th, 2012 at 6:33 pm
Thank you Kelsey,Thank you for you kind words, its not what I wanted to hear but I needed the wake up call. Its been 3 weeks since I heard from him and over a month since I last saw him.
November 12th, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Okay…here’s where it gets tricky. My current bf and I were coworkers, seemingly no attraction between us, until he made a move that changed everything forever. We decided to proceed with a sexual relationship, and (I’ve been told I have a “guy” mindset) made the rule that neither one would fall for the other. This worked out well for about a month (We hadn’t discussed what we would do about other partners except offhand, saying “I like to be monogamous”) and he slept with a mutual friend. At that point I had been slowly falling for him(despite what I said I would do, because he was sweet, charming, etc, and I had just gotten myself out of an abusive relationship), Wwweeellll, let me tell ya, I pulled back so far that he was literally CRUSHED…he told me that he felt like he had ruined anything we could have potentially had, and I told him I was taking myself out of the situation to allow him to pursue her. That lasted for about three days until Ms Happy Pants moved on to her newest conquest. It took us a while but we eventually got together again. This December will have been a year since we started fooling around. During this time he would casually say things like “YOu know, that’s why I love you”…or “I love that about you”.. The best part was when I went to NY for my week vacation, and he was texting me everyday. I suggested he stop by the stripclub(He frequented it often and knew all the girls by “street” names), and told him to “hook up” if he wanted to…He said “I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize us again. All the while telling me he “wasn’t in the right head space for a relationship”…well I gently reminded him we were only friends at which time he said goodnight and didn’t text me until the next day. Upon arriving home, we decided to sit down and have the “Talk”… at a bar(bad idea, as I got loaded and he got angry and nothing got discussed, other than I wouldn’t throw the past in his face nor he mine). The next day I resumed (Via text since I can be more honest over text) the conversation at which point he called me and said “I like you, I like your bits, we are more than FWB already so I have to be a man and ask you to formally be my gf…” That was 4 months ago now, and things are going swimmingly!! So it CAN happen, sometimes.
November 14th, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Heather, my situation is very similar to yours….but I’m less hopeful. We’ve only slept together a few times but jes already told me he likes me but doesn’t want to date me. When I asked him why I always end up in these situations he explained that he personally likes the chase…..and I gave him none. We’re friends so we decided to end it last week as I told him id be upset if we were at a party and he flirted with another girl in front of me. That was last weekend……I’m expecting him to contact me again for a booty call….and hopefully when I say no…that he’s gonna have to work for it if he wants to spend time with me……he’ll smarten up…
November 20th, 2012 at 6:05 am
I am going through a tricky situation. I worked with the guy, and even though we planned to go out a bunch of times, we only went out 3 very casually. He asked me out to dinner and it didn’t work out. We worked together, I had been out of a relationship for 4 months, and he hasn’t dated in over 3 years due to a bad break up. We have been seeing each other every week or every other week but it is strictly sex. We make small talk, and have gotten to know little about our lives, but not enough about ourselves. I feel like there was potential on the two of us becoming something, but I ruined it by giving it up too easily. The sex is so-so, which makes me wonder why we are still in it (We are both very attractive, just hold back in many ways I think). Is there any chance of things happening? I’m not even sure on how to bring up the idea as we have absolutely no lines/rules/restrictions to this whole arrangement… Thanks!
November 29th, 2012 at 5:23 pm
How sad that young people live in such an ugly world. Fuck Buddy? Sad. As someone said, dating used to sometimes lead to sex. Now, in a “hook-up culture,” sex sometimes leads to dating. Sex on such an impersonal, bleak basis is just shaking hands with your clothes off. Better to do without sex.
December 26th, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Seeing as there are a number of ladies here;
I met this girl through a mutual friend, she cooked me dinner, hung out a bit and next thing I know we were in her bed. Sex was amazing.
Carried on seeing her for a week or so, awesome sex nearly every night which was probably a bad idea on my part. In the end I told her that casual sex wasn’t what I was interested in and would rather pursue a relationship. She’s scared of commitment however agreed, and things went ok.
She went on holidays for 3 weeks (planned before we got together) and we texted every night. Sayin she missed me, was thinkin of coming home early because she wasn’t with me etc.
Got home from work and she had surprised me at home by wearing some sexy lingerie in my bed (she had a key to let herself in, and I had one for her place).
Over the next few weeks things got pretty quiet between us, and on the weekend she decided to tell me she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore (I still think she’s just scared of commitment). Barely spoke but saw her Xmas night (only planned on seeing her for an hour or so) where we had a bit if a talk and she went really quite. I told her to tell me what was on her mind and after some consideration and prompting to just say it (she said I probably didn’t want to hear it) she told me that she loved me. I asked if that’s what she feels then why is it that she doesn’t want the relationship side of things and she doesn’t know. She wants to do everything a couple does, spend the night, cuddles, sex, dinner together etc but doesn’t want the commitment of a relationship. I asked how she felt if I was to sleep with someone else and she said she would ask not to see me again as we could be “exclusive” fwb…
My first reaction was that i either had to have the relationship, or nothing at all and would walk away, but I care a lot about her and have told her that I loved her too. So i backed down on that and told her that it had to be an exclusive thing or nothing at all. I decided on this path because I don’t want to pressure her into a relationship but hope that she decides that’s what she wants in the end. Am I doing the right thing, or should I just walk away?
December 30th, 2012 at 8:35 pm
Hi i am a female and i have a fwb for about 4 years maybe.
We always see each other like twice a month or three time it depends,.
Well we barely have conversations in person i think we comunicate better over fb or text msgs.
When i met him i only had one kid and he didnt have none after a few months that we stoped seeing each other, when i saw him again he told me he had a daughter it didnt bother me at all. So we ketp seeing each other maybe every week, after a while i got into a relationship and got pregnant and while pregnant and leaving woth the baby father he always ketp in touch saying that he wanted to see me and that he missed me, well after i have my baby he tried to see me but i didnt bcuz i was in a relationship but after my babydad and i split up we started seeing again then he move to ATL and he was telling me to come over to atl for the weekend and stuff but i couldnt go bcuz of my kids and money.
The day after he came back from atl he contacted me and we saw each other since then, its not every week but atleast three times a month.
My question is that why cant we get over eqch other i even asked him once if he is going to stop seeing me when ever he gets a gf and he told me IDK.
Helppp what should i do??
January 5th, 2013 at 9:33 pm
You are wasting your life. Go find someone that values and wants to be with you. This guy has taken 4 years of your life and distracted you from far more important issues.
January 29th, 2013 at 7:53 am
What if you dated the person an now are f*** buddies but because there used to be strong feelings between the two is it possible to develop a relationship again??
February 13th, 2013 at 1:42 pm
Hi,
I have a FWB and we’ve been like this for 8 months and since 1st day we agreed to be just FwB.. He sees other girls and I have seen other guys but in my case, nothing else than a casual date to the movies or dinner.I stay in his apt almost every weekend..we talk everyday on the phone. I think I will back off a little bit to see if he realize if he have feelings for me or not.. I knoe I have feelings for him and hr knows it…
February 16th, 2013 at 6:37 pm
I need help too! I have a fwb situation & we agreed it would stay that way but I notice my feelings are growing stronger for him. The sex is absolutely amazing & I’m terrified if I tell him I want more, it will be a deal breaker & I will lose my ‘buddy’ altogether. Should I let the sleeping dog lay? We text a lot but have only slept together a few times.
February 24th, 2013 at 8:27 pm
Be positive. I had a long distance fb and were serious bf and gf. At times I wanted to give up cuz he didn’t want a long distance relationship. But it worked..I love my man.
February 26th, 2013 at 11:03 pm
So… Ive had a f%*K buddy for 10 yrs… And im am madly inlove with him and i always have been. In the past 10 years ive had a couple of serious boyfriends and i have a kid, he has no children and none of his girlfriends have lasted long and we still see eachother whenever we want to but the thing is that im getting to that point in life to where i really want a real family and so does he because he has told me about it. But it just never seems to get serious enough to actually do something about it and whenever i try he gets all wierd about it and avoids talking about it in person. I keep gettting mixed signals from him about trying to have a real relationship and i dont know what to do :/
March 6th, 2013 at 7:34 pm
ok so i have known this guy since we were 11 years old,we were best friends until we went our separate ways in our 20′s.we had the odd kiss but nothing else,we recently,last year,met up after 20 years he was in a relationship that wasnt going well,we bacame instant friends again and met on several occasions,the subject of f buddies came up..we both agreed to try it,it was all going really well(he is now single) until he told me he had been on a date with someone and they had slept together…i felt totally let down and odd about the situation..he heard it in my voice and text me asking if i wanted more than F Buddies..i took a while to answer but said i did..he immediately changed towards me,saying that he wanted to be my friend and he thought thats what we were…i told him i was not going to sleep with him whilst he was dating other women,i don’t understand why he asked me what i wanted..when he was clearly going to turn me down!! he had his Ego boost ..and now we are hardly talking..he was a really good friend and now….i feel i’ve lost him…he had recently been much more affectionate towards me so i thought he felt the same…how could i have got it so wrong??
March 8th, 2013 at 7:29 pm
I need help from a guys point, my female friends aren’t much help cause they say he wants more n probably just scared I’d reject anything he say “but” I don’t believe he does, I just think he’s an odd fuck buddy lol!
We had an on n off fb relationship for about two years, I was the only one breaking off or thing to date someone. Soon as the relationship was over I’d contact him for sex. We don’t go anywhere but he use to ask me in.the beginning but I’d say no every time, so he stopped asking. I made rules simple no kissing or making love. Well toward the end he got weird!! He became playful, kissed me, tried to kiss me during sex, oh n he got mad I was texting people while we were together. Well I stopped talking to him after that. End of that part of the story.
So 3 years pass n I find him so we can hook up again. Lol yeah yeah shouldn’t have, but he’s good at what he does lol! Anyways this time around he came over just to hang out!! ha
March 12th, 2013 at 11:08 am
Similar situation to many of you guys..
Met a guy one day, he approached me while we were both out in town. We talked for a little bit, and he asked for my number. I said sure.
First day we met, we had dinner and watched a movie. The chemistry was popping! We started getting physical and although I was scared when he put it on me (first time having sex in a while) I took the D. It wasn’t fantastic, but every time we have met since then the sex gets better and better. (but without me having an orgasm, just great cardio lol)
One time, he came outside my house saying that we need to talk. I was scared as hell, ’cause good things never come from “the talk”. He told me that day that he has a son, which means although he isn’t with the baby mother, she can be a mean ass. I said, alright cool. I didn’t know what to say, so I went a little bit quiet on him for a few weeks. I then hit him up after some time just to see how he was doing, didn’t wanna look like a bitch for just shutting him out like that, which he understood. I also said the next time I see him, I wanted to talk to him, to which he agreed.
The next time I saw him, I basically said to him “look, I know we’re not together which is cool, but for you to tell about your son and your baby mother knowing a lot of dogs would have conveniently left that shit out, it must be somewhat of a big deal and we don’t have to continue if this’ll make shit weird for you. If we’re just “dating” or “Seeing eachother” or quite bluntly, “fucking”, then I don’t know if it’s worth the hassle you might get, especially if you’re got history with her. What we have, is not worth the stress so we can end shit here on a completely humble and friendly tip and it won’t be a thing.” I was just being honest, and trying to think logically to which he replied that “although what we have isn’t necessarily serious, I’m NOT with her, she is a vindictive bitch that just likes to keep tabs on me, but I like you and want to continue seeing you”. I asked if he was sure ’cause we really don’t have to do this and he insisted. So we continued.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s easy for females to get caught up. When the conversations good, the chemistry a plus and you actually talk all the time, you can get shit twisted. I tried my best not to do that. Whenever my mind started wandering, I would snap myself back into reality real quick. Told myself know your place, know your role. It’s just sex. and after a year without sex, just the thought of going two months without it can give you the shakes!!! Loooool. I noticed the conversation deteriorating over time, and the calls would go from twice every day, to once every two or three days. I made myself stop calling him as much also, as I am NO ONE’S BUG A BOO. But as of lately, I’ve been thinking that as much as there’s no harm in a little fun so long as you’re being smart and responsible about it, I started to question myself as a woman. Now I don’t expect a relationship from this guy as we got into real quick and I’m real enough to accept that. But what’s got me thinking if I should rethink this whole shit, is that I’ve never really had a proper relationship before. Not that I fuck every guy I’m dealing with, BECAUSE I DON’T, but..from him picking me up, and taking me home, to me leaving my house to walk to his (he lives ten minutes by foot from me) at these booty call hours, walking back on my own when people are starting to get up for work, made me wonder if I was any more or less than these younger folk (not significantly younger but still) who have their fuck buddies at the very LEAST walk em to the bus stop. And on top of that, I give him the wickedest nuts! Yet I never “come” when we have sex! As someone with a lack of relationship experience, I said that there must be some things I must learn about myself, and men, and work on being a better woman to present myself as girlfriend material later on in life. I’m not saying I want it from him, I want this for myself. But maybe this involvement with him may be hindering my progress. Am I wrong for wanting to break this shit off to work on me? Or am I just being a simple bitch for not knowing what the situation is and finding an excuse to break out so I don’t look like a hoe?
March 18th, 2013 at 6:09 am
So I met this guy through friends and we all went for drinks and clubbing. At the club we made out over and over, he said he would take me home. I currently live with my sister and I really wanted to get it on, so I told him I didnt feel like going home. We went to a motel nearby and got it on. Since prettyuch I dropped the ball by saying I dont wanna go home, was expecting pretty much a ONS treatment. But he asked if I wanted breakfast n conversation was
great and it lead to a next date withno sex. He
would call and text and we sort of were
dating… we never defined anything. About 2
ereks into this was my bday and he came with a present and a card… Then about a month after I realized he wad losing interest. I was
into him so had “the talk” and I decided to call it
off, he seemed to understand but no objection.
Then about 2 months after I called him and we met for drinks till then was not sure if it was a booty call but sure it was. Then I felt a bit sad as I still had feelings but he didnt seem to.
About 3 months after which is 2 weeks ago I drunkdialed and we met and just did our thing. Then again last week. I now know why I am meeting, no longer for a relationship, I think it is because I like to be intimate with HIM n currently not seeing anyone.
I wanna keep it less frequent but have ground rules like only when we r single and such. Also all the booty calls were made by me and he would come to me. I sort of like it that way as it is upon my convenience but also wonder why he would not….Also scared that if I even bring up any kind of talk to define anything this he will will just vanish. Some friends say to stay
away as he doesnt seem to value anything. I dunno what to do… just forget it until I am in the mood again… is he not even fbuddy material? Hmmm any feedback would help thanks!
April 6th, 2013 at 9:41 am
I have a problem.
I was dating a guy for almost 2 years and during our relationship we had a lot of arguments which ended in a break up.
It has ben 5 months since the break up and 3 months ago we decided to become FWB.
I keep thinking that he still loves me and wants me but he says that dont but his actions says something else.
We both are not seeing other people and during this time we have only been with eachother.
Also, he still has the keyring I bought him long time ago which says “always yours” with a heart shape and our pictures togheter are still on his phone. what should i do