How Often Do Booty Calls Become Girlfriends?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been in an “arrangement” style non-relationship with a dude for nearly a year (I say “arrangement” as I loathe the terms “fuck buddy” or “booty call,” but yes, they are one and the same). We have both seen other people over the course of this time, and it’s never been a big deal, we just see one another when the mood strikes, on a non-regular basis (sometimes once a month, sometimes every 90 days, just depending on our personal relationships at the time).

I don’t know if it’s the lack of other personal relationships of late, or what, but I have recently decided that I wouldn’t mind dating the fella for real, but don’t want to broach the subject for fear I’ll lose the best smoke signal I’ve ever had (again, a substitute for the awful butt buddy title)! I am nearly 100% positive that he’s not interested in more, otherwise I feel he would have made a move or a comment by now (thank you so much, mildly worn copy of He’s Just Not That Into You).

Also, I feel there’s a definite double standard involved here (or perhaps it’s just my paranoia): if a man develops feelings for his female casual sex partner, and the woman is interested, she doesn’t think twice about taking it to the next level. However, if the female develops feelings, the man suddenly has a “she’s tarnished and I could never take an easy broad like her home to Mom” epiphany. I guess what I’m really asking, with no true agenda, just a general wondering is…

How big is the obstacle of going from AssFriend to Girlfriend and is it even truly possible??

— Nookie Monster

What do you think of Nookie Monster’s question? Leave your opinion in the comments section below.


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43 Comments on "How Often Do Booty Calls Become Girlfriends?"


MsFab
1 year 3 months ago

I met this guy at a bar four weeks ago . I slept with him on the first night and was ok to only see him as a one night stand. He then took my number and texted and called everyday we spend the week together going to movies and supper and he asked me to sleep over at his place we then ended ups seeing each other the entire week. But on the weekend he disappeared. I was a bit suspicious and asked him where he was and he told me upfront that he is in a relationship, I was furious and told him if told me this the first night I met him I would have just had a one night stand , but now he spend the entire week with me and made me believe that he wanted me as a girlfriend but disappeared the weekend to with his girlfriend. I immediately stopped taking his calls and did not want to see him any longer , he phoned and begged and asked me to meet with him .He send me a text message saying that he is in a relationship with this girl and cant just break up with her cause there is feelings involved but he loves who I am and likes being with me. He then send a message asking if we can be friends and he want to make up for hurting me by taking me to movies and supper. I met with him and played it cool as if I didn’t care about him and he was very deep in his conversations about how me not talking with him for a week made him relations how he has fallen for me . We had dinner and went to movies also hanged out at his favorite bar playing pool. We ended up seeing each other everyday same as before , cause I agreed to the friend’s with benefits idea as I thought I could handle it. We together every night (weekdays) Monday to Saturday mornings and on Saturday and Sunday’s he disappears to the girlfriend and on holidays he go to his mother in Port Elisabeth the without his girlfriend. On weekends and holidays he doesn’t text or calls me. But during the week he text and call and make all sort of plans to take me out for dinners, theatre, movies we do fun stuff during the week but on weekends he disappears. When we hook up during the week I don’t ask him where he’s been but he will hint and tell me he’s activities I also don’t tell him what I’ve been up to and he will ask me indirectly but I never give him a complete answer as I want him to think I’m also seeing someone on weekends. He is looking for a place to live and asked if he can rent an apartment in my area or complex. He is saying all the right things , he is everything I want in a man ( personality and character ) but he is a man who has trouble with commitments) I also know this because of because of what I’ve learned form his past. But he will also spend nights with me not having sex and he enjoys caressing me and cudgeling , there would be night when I make excuses not to see him but he would beg to come over and say things like he cant sleep without having me near. He disappears on weekends and never calls or answers his phone but he gets depressed and sad when I disappear for a few days and don’t answer my calls. i sometime give him some of his own medicine hoping he will make up his mind about what he wants with me. we have now been seeing each other for 4 weeks and I’m scared cause him falling for him , we communicate allot about everything but i never talk about my feelings and he tells me he is falling for me but often said “he is scared of me” , he also once said that I seem like the person who he can fall in love with and then i leave him . What do I do as it seemed like we both scared of being hurt but I’m even more scared that he has this all figured out and he’s playing me and I’m the one who’s been taken for a ride. I’ve had booty calls and one nights stands before but nothing so close to the real relationship like this. He says and does all the right things when with me and he is completely honest about what he does and his relationship with this other girl but made it clear that he is having trouble with her and he likes being with me. So what do I do for me not to get hurt by this guy cause he tells me he doesn’t want to loose me and on the other hand he’s still seeing the other woman. I also don’t sit and wait for him on weekends I flirt and see other guys , I go out clubbing and he seemed jealous when he knows that and he also seemed jealous about the caliber of men he knows is after me . I have professional job and earn more than him , my lifestyle and living is extravagant “according to him”. He also hint one day that he cant match up to the kind of guys I use to date or the guys that he heard is interested in me. But I like him for his personality , his character and how he treats me when I’m with him and the respect he shows me.

Johanne
1 year 4 months ago

I’ve had this arrangement for about 8 months with this guy, in the beginning it was twice a month or would be a day after the next during weekends only.. We usually do the meeting after we both get home from a party so drunk wanting each other. We kept it very casual from no small talks just straight to business. I and him have been going on dates with other people, but me nd him have never been on a date or anything outside of bed (which is understandable being the arrangement) we slowly started seeing each other once a month. But i’ve changed my ways of wanting a relationship in general not specifically with him, and been going to parties less, therefore when we do an encounter with each other, i’ve been very sober. The two last times have been very different from the rest of the times, he asks me personal questions, about myself, family and bestfriend. As well as we’ve been talking about what we want in a relationship when we find some one, he then told me i’m his type, miss perfect, how he likes everything about me and started to name each thing, then once again mentioned how when i find some one to let him know, rather then to flee without any warning. Afterwards he txted me that same day while i was at work asking how my day was going and thanking me for a “perfect moment this morning” i responded by saying something more casual and flirty. This last time i met with him, was afternoon because he was very insisting, we went straight to the point but our talks became deeper from dates to relationships and to marriage, i then realized we are both looking for the same things in life… he then told me how after the last time we’ve seen each other he hasn’t slept with any one else, and added “i don’t know why i’m telling you this..you obviously don’t care” i then told him it’s been a month and he said no its been two months, i corrected him and told him the exact date being only a month. When we cuddle we fall asleep in each others arms, and he plays footsie with me and doesn’t let me go and kisses my head while we’re asleep. He then told me how he hasn’t had this with any girl before (an arrangement like this and it lasting this long) he continued asking me my likes (movies, food, entertainment like museums etc) we then continued into showing each other pictures of our siblings and things that matter to us and he showed me a baby picture of himself. I’ve been wondering since i left what is this? my friends tell me he likes me and should give it a shot instead of going on several dates with guys that it isn’t working with. But i feel like it also isn’t right because it’s mixed signals he says one thing then mentions when he finds a girlfriend etc. I don’t know whether to stop this arrangement before i develop feelings? or if i’m over analyzing this. If he actually likes me or not. (We also have a 7 years age difference) I need advice!

Ana
1 year 4 months ago

I read basically all the comments over here and I’m more confused. I have been in a fuck buddy relationship for 3 years now. In the begging it was more regular, what I mean is that we used to see each other and text more often. After that we argued and we didn’t talk like for months. After that we met again we cleared things, he told me that he couldn’t offer me anything more than sex. I refused in the beging but as I thought I had fall in love Iaccepted. After a while he got in a real relationship and I did the same, but he kept on texting me. When I broke up with my bf I called him and we met again. After that we didn’t see each other for 5 months. Till one day I couldn’t wait any more and texted him. We arranged it to meet and since than we see each other once per month. Meanwhile I tried to get in an other relationship, but it didn’t work so I kept on seeing the first guy. I used to think that I was madly in love, but now I think that I do love him, but he maybe not the man of my life even though Ican’t stop seeing him. What I really wan to know is what do you think about him? I mean guys don’t usually stay for such a long time with a girl even if it is a fuck buddy thing. I need some opinions ..

Lilly
1 year 10 months ago

Its funny seeing all these responses- honestly the whole situation of fb/ emotions/ confusion is enough to turn anyone mental. I’ve just recently removed myself from a confusing fb/ casual/ situation as I found the whole thing incredibly draining emotionally.
My problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted relationship wise- also it started out purely physical, then more fwb, then things got kinda awkward and we settled on friendship ( in other words platonic) Trying to define what it was in the end was tricky- mainly because the whole rules of casual dating and sex is so clear these days that my situation didn’t really fit into any of the three types of scenarios.

Has anyone ever been in the situation where casual no strings attached sex, migrates to friendship? Interested to see someonelses take on it from a guys perspective.

As far as advice for everyone else here- lay the ground rules down early and don’t be afraid to speak up about what u want and if u have no idea of what ur after- don’t go there :)

Xx
1 year 10 months ago

So I’ve been hooking up with a guy I slept with 3 times when we met ok holiday.
Since we got back the sex is great and his the one messaging me and I know it’s only sex. But is there a chance he would ever see me as something more or should I accept that I’m just an exclusive fwb?
I really fancy him but I’m not sure what he thinks of me.