Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes. But today is a special, one-day-only edition for Halloween. Ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Being a stickler about guests wearing costumes to the party you’re throwing tonight is great…to a point. Yes, when people feel they don’t have a choice, they feel less weird about dressing up — and getting everyone on board means no party poopers to make the participants feel like assholes for dressing up as Charlie Sheen or Casey Anthony. But some people are so against getting outfitted, that they’d rather not attend than be forced to wear a hospital gown or a kitty cat outfit. And are you really going to turn someone away who doesn’t show up in drag? Sometimes it’s good to let things slide a little. This, of course, is a metaphor for your love life.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Trick or treat, smell your feet, give your partner something good to eat — this is the best dating advice we can offer you for tonight.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Being a party pooper about dressing up this week probably means you’re a party pooper in the bedroom, unwilling to be creative and wacky, use props, or try roleplaying. So get thee to a Ricky’s, stat!
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Plan your Halloween costume carefully this year, you might just meet someone special. Your dazzling conversation skills combined with your oh-so-witty costume are sure to win them over. By the way, borrowing your friends’ newborn so you can attend a Halloween party as a “new Dad,” thereby attracting more female attention, sounds like a better idea than it actually is.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Question whether or not you’d want a relationship with someone in a suit dressed as someone in a suit for Halloween (like, say, a lawyer dressed as a banker). And if that suit-wearing someone pays an inordinate amount of attention to you, then don’t just question the relationship–run away from it like you’ve just rung their doorbell and left a flaming bag of poo on their doorstep for Goosey Night.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re ready to turn this relationship up to eleven. Prove your commitment by dressing in drag for Halloween to be the male Cher to their female Sonny (or vice versa). Unless of course you’re an actual drag queen or king, in which case Halloween should be a casual day.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll meet a lot of people at any Halloween parties you attend. You should make the first move if you’re attracted to someone. But remember, if you have sex for the first time with someone while in costume, the outfits you are wearing may permanently determine your future relationship. Consider this before you hook up with “Michael Jackson” while dressed as Curious George.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t think of Halloween as just another holiday; consider it an opportunity to try out a new fetish. Plan a team costume with your partner and role-play later–Catholic school teacher/naughty student; cop/robber; fireman/kitten up a tree; etc. Dress as a character who will inspire you to be a little dirtier–it’s not you who likes men in diapers, that’s your costume talking! And remember: Mischief Night (a.k.a. Goosey Night) is as good a time as any to try sploshing.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You can give someone a treat tonight, but lay off the tricks — don’t lie to get laid.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Getting laid this week is gonna be as easy as trick-or-treating: Knock once, hold out your goodie bag, and watch the booty come to you. But remember, if you’re going to take candy from strangers, make sure it’s wrapped.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
That hot-hot-hot-hottie at the Halloween party may not show their true colors. Remember, the sluttier their costume, the more likely they are to be a total vanilla prude the rest of the year.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
What’s the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for the oral sex to come later.