Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We would not want to be you this week. You’re going to find yourself between a rock and a hard place, put on the spot about a relationship, pressured to make some kind of monumental decision. Don’t do it! Stall them, buy some time, mumble something noncommittal about needing time to think, and then check back here next week. Hopefully the stars will give you something more to work with at that point.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sure, opposites attract, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to have anything to say to each other while they’re spooning after all that hot, opposites-attracting kind of sex. Write this down on a Post-It and stick it on your bathroom mirror, because we can’t always be there to say, “I told you so” â€” no matter how much we enjoy doing so.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Take a look around. Someone has their eye on you. No, not that creepy freak at the grocery store who always seems to be waiting for you in the toilet paper aisle. We’re talking about someone with real potential. Play hard to get and you might get them in return. Just make sure you’re stocked up on T. P., because there’s nothing worse than running out when the two of you come home stumbling drunk at 3 a. m. for your first love sesh after a night of Mexican and beer.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can talk your way into anyone’s heart â€” but where’s the beef?
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
As a kid growing up in the ’80s, romantic relationships were easy, and often built in a day: You go to a kegger in the woods after school on a Friday, get to second base with a new special friend that night, and end up dating for the rest of the year until Prom, when you get drunk on your Mom’s Peach Schnapps and end up making out with your high school math teacher. Not so as an adult: These days, relationships take time. Friendships need to be established first. You don’t necessarily have to give anyone a brightly colored, beaded friendship pin to put on their Keds, but some kind of nod to your blossoming friendship can only help get you to second later.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If only we had looked really hard in the mirror back when we feathered our bangs and wore side ponytails; if only we had questioned the practicality of all those snaps on the Members Only Jackets. We were just so quick to jump on the bandwagon, we didn’t realize we were actually jumping off the bridge of good taste. Replace fashion with romance and you have a pretty good description of your current relationship: It’s time to take a good look in the mirror â€” and at your partner’s wardrobe choices.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re so busy dreaming about the mountains you’d scale and the valleys you’d traverse once you find True Love, you’re missing what’s right in your backyard. Perhaps even right in your own bed: Don’t discount your favorite booty call as a potential for-better-for-worse, let’s-eat-oatmeal-together-every morning partner for life. Hey, you already know the sex will be great.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open this week. Keen observation, Sherlock style, may lead you to discover something new about your romantic interest â€” perhaps something dark and mysterious, like a dangerous past or a penchant for retarded hats and pipes.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your blushing rose act can only take you so far. This isn’t the fifties, you know. At some point you’re going to have to actually express interest if you want this little eye contact game you’ve got going on to develop into a full-blown relationship. It may seem “crass” to you, but trust us, you’ve already exhibited more than enough restraint and politesse to make your point. As Andre the Giant probably said once, it’s time to take it to the mat.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Sometimes it really is just a matter of bad timing. Sometimes they really do have to wash their hair. Sometimes their dog really did just get run over. This week, give someone the benefit of the doubt. No need to be a sucker, just don’t fly off the handle immediately and assume the position of jealous lover â€” otherwise you’ll end up giving them a real excuse not to call.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t believe everything you read on the web, especially if it’s in someone’s online dating or Facebook profile. Meet in person before calling each other shmoopy, inviting them to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving, or agreeing to anything involving a ballgag and a dog bowl.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Sure, if you make a bold move, there’s a risk of rejection and heartache. But if you don’t make a move, then loneliness is a sure thing.