Wise Guys: Can a Woman Get Her Man to Quit Porn?

photo via flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Can a woman ever get her man to quit porn?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Engaged Guy (Mark Luczak): There are probably a lot of eventual branches to this question, depending on the reasoning behind her wanting him to ditch the porn in the first place. To generalize a few: she perceives it as a flavor of cheating, she thinks porn itself is simply dirty or immoral, or she just wants him all to herself!

But if we assume that porn is basically just a tool for self-satisfaction, and if we allow that self-pleasure is pretty much healthy when practiced with a method and frequency not actively destructive to the relationship, or one’s overall life responsibilities and priorities, then to ask him to unequivocally give it up might be treading into dealbreaker territory more than necessary, as would anything, sex-related or not, that either party would likewise desire that the other quit completely. Similarly though, if this one particular issue really does means that much to her, perhaps it’s something he could indeed concede, in the interest of the fulfilling entirety of the relationship.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Honestly, I don’t think so. Unless it is an addiction, as in, he spends more on buying porn than, say, rent — then yes, perhaps. But I think attempting to do so really requires asking yourself why you are demanding he give up porn? Is it affecting your sex life in a detrimental manner? Is there insecurity at the center of such a demand? Porn is mostly — if not entirely — about fantasy, and thus, a woman, I think, should want to engage with her man about what kind of porn is he into, and what it is about the porn he watches that is so compelling. You never know how that can improve their own sex life and relationship as a whole.

Straight Committed Guy (Johnny): No, a woman can’t ever get her man to quit porn. She can get him to hide it. She can get him to lie about it. All this subterfuge will naturally reduce the amount of porn he watches. But quit? Not happening. Porn was there before you. Porn plus my right hand is my oldest and truest lover. It’s been there for me through dry spells. It’s been there for me through heartbreak. It’s encouraged me to stay home and whack off when faced with real, actual temptation from another woman. Don’t pick a fight with porn. It’s a losing battle for everyone involved.

If you feel you must address your man’s porn, here is what you may reasonably ask:

  1. Don’t look at porn on my computer.
  2. Clear your browser history.
  3. Don’t do it if we’ll meet up later — it leaves you drained.

To gentlemen readers who get hit with the ol’ porn ultimatum: you should offer to make the above concessions. But not a bit more. Never lie about it. Never get dragged into a fight about it. Your ass is covered by these concessions. If that’s not good enough for her, find a new woman. Never stay with a partner who tries to emotionally bully you about something which, after all, is really none of her business anyway.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Engaged Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our Straight Committed Guy is regular EMandLO.com commenter, Johnny. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


Say Something

33 Comments on "Wise Guys: Can a Woman Get Her Man to Quit Porn?"


Givenup
1 month 20 days ago

My boyfriend watches porn basically everyday when he’s at work. I have woken up in the middle of the night to see he brought his phone in the bathroom, I have come home before to find our bedroom door locked, heck I’ve even woken up to him doing it next to me. Our sex life is not as wonderful as it use to be. Maybe that’s because I’ve gained about 30 pounds throughout the last two years, who knows. I don’t care if anyone thinks that I should be okay with porn. I’m not. I wish it was never invented. And to all of you that say “he’ll just cheat on you then” , I would encourage you to either find a better man or be a better man because that’s just ridiculous. My man is a very caring, very good man. I’ve just given up on trying to give my input on porn though. It won’t change anything. He will do what ultimately makes him happy. Just thought I should share. Acceptance will help your hearts stop breaking.

katherine
1 month 15 days ago

ah, no. he has a porn addiction. yes, its very real and very damaging. to you, him and your marriage. it will escalate. thats the nature of addiction. your extra 30 has nothing to do with it. slender gorgeous wives deal with this too. and its a much deeper problem than just porn. porn is only the temporary solution he’s found to a problem beyond the bedroom. sex has nothing to with it. his brain has been affected and he will leave you depressed and miserable if you try to ignore it. trust me. in the middle of a recovery and its hell! affairs come next if not already. i was lucky enough to catch it there at least but read online the misery men and women deal with. grab a support system and buckle up.
ignore the comment about it being about your weight. wtf!

Johnny
1 month 14 days ago

Okay, I concede that this guy has a mojor porn problem that I skipped right over.

Interesting, the difference in perception about weight gain. To me it’s such a big deal as to eclipse everything else in the letter. To the OP, it’s an afterthought. To you, it’s an ignorable wtf.

Well, I’ll give you the porn problem, but the weight gain really is that big a deal. Imagine a once-successful guy quitting his job and never looking for a new one – it’s like that. Alarming, depressing.

I am perplexed as to why women do that to each other – BS about the libido-kiling effects of weight gain. One thing I’m sure it’s not: ignorance. Women are sensitive as hell when it comes to their bodies.

1 month 14 days ago

Does it have to be one or the other extreme? To say that he is suffering from a porn addiction that has absolutely nothing to do with the woman in question seems a little extreme. Sure, some extreme addictions exist in isolation, but most of them, especially something like porn, exist in a context. And while it might be a little extreme to blame everything on weight gain, it doesn’t seem fair to discount this completely. It’s not the weight so much as what it represents — perhaps it indicates to your partner that you no longer care whether or not he’s attracted to you? Either way, it’s certainly something that you should discuss with him… both the porn and the weight gain. It couldn’t hurt to ask him what he thinks about both topics…

Johnny
1 month 19 days ago

“Who knows,” huh?

I’m going to be the shitlord here and suggest that, yes, the 30 lbs you gained probably has a great deal to do with this situation.

Is it possible that the reason you refrain from busting his balls despite hating porn is that you dare not cast stones, knowing there could be return fire? That you’d rather keep the peace than start a war?

Try losing the weight and seeing whether this situation doesn’t just resolve itself.

Matt
1 month 19 days ago

Watching porn at work is more than a little out there–like, why would anyone even do that?! He can possibly get fired, he’s (hopefully!) not rubbing one out while watching… that makes absolutely zero sense to me. I’m not a porn guy, but something about that is very off.

Anyway, you could banish all porn from your husband’s life, and he’d just close his eyes and fantasize about some other erotic situation or person he’d seen somewhere or imagined having sex with at some point. If you have an issue with that, you’re not going to find a guy on the planet who’ll pass muster. It doesn’t really matter, though, as porn seems to be the secondary problem here (except his work/porn habit… which is bizarre.)

Would you still be upset about the porn if you were having tons of great sex? Probably not. And yeah, there’s a good chance he’d be watching less porn if you were having more sex. Like Johnny, I think there’s a pretty good chance that the weight gain might be affecting things. For me, it wouldn’t just be the weight gain, but the fact that my wife stopped caring. I could definitely see that being a turn-off… just thinking, huh, so my being attracted to you isn’t important to you anymore?

Is he gaining weight, too? Maybe the two of you could join a gym together, or just do some daily walks–something active. It might help both of you feel better physically as well as more attracted to each other. The porn is the symptom here, not the problem.

Pea
9 months 7 days ago

If everyone, men and women were just more honest in their relationships this would all be so much less painful.

Firstly I find it funny that men take it for granted that their women’s eyes and minds never stray. What do you think we do with our vibrators? Just sit there with them and never watch porn? LOL We just don’t admit it as often because it’s not socially acceptable to admit to such things. We’d be labeled slutty or loose in 1.2 seconds. We fantasize about and look at other men too, all of the time. For some reason we are just not as obvious about it. We’re all human and sex feels good.

To the insecure women: he’s going to be attracted to other women, just as you check out hot guys. If he really loves you and is committed to you it’s just sex. Just like it’s normal to think about a sexy actor while you’re masturbating, it doesn’t mean that you love your own man any less. He doesn’t love you any less or is any less attracted to you either.

Some men also have to take a step back and examine their actions and how they affect the woman they love or care about. Sometimes it’s not her being oversensitive and she has a very valid point, you’re ruining the relationship with your porn.

Most men wouldn’t take too kindly to their women ogling other sexy guys all day. It’d bruise anyone’s ego. Besides swingers, who really wants to see that? lol Try to be considerate if you’re in a relationship and things will be happier and go smoother for the both of you.

Jasmine
2 years 3 months ago

I find it to be wrong to look at it. But that how I was raised and I don’t think for a man or woman in a comitted relationship marriage especially. Should not be looking at it. That is what their significant other is there for. I have this problem ever since we got together. Though he has kinda sorta gotteb better about. I still catch him doing it. But now he lies about it and hides it from. I have to force him to tell me the truth. I believe looking at porn is adultery again it how I was raised. I also believe that’s what you have your s/o is for.

cya
2 years 4 months ago

so, ive been having the same issue. my husband never told me that he watched porn, i found out a few weeks after the birth of our second child. his porn collection took me by surprised. since i am always willing to have sex and would do it once a day if hed let me. there are women that want to have sex everyday and want to please our spouses and because they watch porn they arent interested. maybe i should start begging for sex like he does a blow job. but anyway, saying that women dont want to have sex is probably right on, because honestly why would you want to be intimate with a man who wacks off and fantasizes about other women all day? the thought makes me nauscious. if men want this life please dont get married, it just ruins family.

2 years 5 months ago

My ex boyfriend was addicted to pornography. He had more than 200 DVDs in his collection.

I did not say anything to him about it, I pretty much understood this was a long time passion of his and as long as the movies were not playing anywhere in the apartment when I was around I had no problem with it.

I never noticed any slowdown or him not being interested in bed because of his porn collection. and I would say if the guy prefers to wank while watching porn instead of being with his wife or girlfriend it is time to re-evaluate the relationship.