Wise Guys: Can a Woman Get Her Man to Quit Porn?

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Can a woman ever get her man to quit porn?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Engaged Guy (Mark Luczak): There are probably a lot of eventual branches to this question, depending on the reasoning behind her wanting him to ditch the porn in the first place. To generalize a few: she perceives it as a flavor of cheating, she thinks porn itself is simply dirty or immoral, or she just wants him all to herself!

But if we assume that porn is basically just a tool for self-satisfaction, and if we allow that self-pleasure is pretty much healthy when practiced with a method and frequency not actively destructive to the relationship, or one’s overall life responsibilities and priorities, then to ask him to unequivocally give it up might be treading into dealbreaker territory more than necessary, as would anything, sex-related or not, that either party would likewise desire that the other quit completely. Similarly though, if this one particular issue really does means that much to her, perhaps it’s something he could indeed concede, in the interest of the fulfilling entirety of the relationship.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Honestly, I don’t think so. Unless it is an addiction, as in, he spends more on buying porn than, say, rent — then yes, perhaps. But I think attempting to do so really requires asking yourself why you are demanding he give up porn? Is it affecting your sex life in a detrimental manner? Is there insecurity at the center of such a demand? Porn is mostly — if not entirely — about fantasy, and thus, a woman, I think, should want to engage with her man about what kind of porn is he into, and what it is about the porn he watches that is so compelling. You never know how that can improve their own sex life and relationship as a whole.

Straight Committed Guy (Johnny): No, a woman can’t ever get her man to quit porn. She can get him to hide it. She can get him to lie about it. All this subterfuge will naturally reduce the amount of porn he watches. But quit? Not happening. Porn was there before you. Porn plus my right hand is my oldest and truest lover. It’s been there for me through dry spells. It’s been there for me through heartbreak. It’s encouraged me to stay home and whack off when faced with real, actual temptation from another woman. Don’t pick a fight with porn. It’s a losing battle for everyone involved.

If you feel you must address your man’s porn, here is what you may reasonably ask:

  1. Don’t look at porn on my computer.
  2. Clear your browser history.
  3. Don’t do it if we’ll meet up later — it leaves you drained.

To gentlemen readers who get hit with the ol’ porn ultimatum: you should offer to make the above concessions. But not a bit more. Never lie about it. Never get dragged into a fight about it. Your ass is covered by these concessions. If that’s not good enough for her, find a new woman. Never stay with a partner who tries to emotionally bully you about something which, after all, is really none of her business anyway.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Engaged Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our Straight Committed Guy is regular EMandLO.com commenter, Johnny. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


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26 Comments on "Wise Guys: Can a Woman Get Her Man to Quit Porn?"


Pea
7 months 9 days ago

If everyone, men and women were just more honest in their relationships this would all be so much less painful.

Firstly I find it funny that men take it for granted that their women’s eyes and minds never stray. What do you think we do with our vibrators? Just sit there with them and never watch porn? LOL We just don’t admit it as often because it’s not socially acceptable to admit to such things. We’d be labeled slutty or loose in 1.2 seconds. We fantasize about and look at other men too, all of the time. For some reason we are just not as obvious about it. We’re all human and sex feels good.

To the insecure women: he’s going to be attracted to other women, just as you check out hot guys. If he really loves you and is committed to you it’s just sex. Just like it’s normal to think about a sexy actor while you’re masturbating, it doesn’t mean that you love your own man any less. He doesn’t love you any less or is any less attracted to you either.

Some men also have to take a step back and examine their actions and how they affect the woman they love or care about. Sometimes it’s not her being oversensitive and she has a very valid point, you’re ruining the relationship with your porn.

Most men wouldn’t take too kindly to their women ogling other sexy guys all day. It’d bruise anyone’s ego. Besides swingers, who really wants to see that? lol Try to be considerate if you’re in a relationship and things will be happier and go smoother for the both of you.

Jasmine
2 years 1 month ago

I find it to be wrong to look at it. But that how I was raised and I don’t think for a man or woman in a comitted relationship marriage especially. Should not be looking at it. That is what their significant other is there for. I have this problem ever since we got together. Though he has kinda sorta gotteb better about. I still catch him doing it. But now he lies about it and hides it from. I have to force him to tell me the truth. I believe looking at porn is adultery again it how I was raised. I also believe that’s what you have your s/o is for.

cya
2 years 2 months ago

so, ive been having the same issue. my husband never told me that he watched porn, i found out a few weeks after the birth of our second child. his porn collection took me by surprised. since i am always willing to have sex and would do it once a day if hed let me. there are women that want to have sex everyday and want to please our spouses and because they watch porn they arent interested. maybe i should start begging for sex like he does a blow job. but anyway, saying that women dont want to have sex is probably right on, because honestly why would you want to be intimate with a man who wacks off and fantasizes about other women all day? the thought makes me nauscious. if men want this life please dont get married, it just ruins family.

2 years 3 months ago

My ex boyfriend was addicted to pornography. He had more than 200 DVDs in his collection.

I did not say anything to him about it, I pretty much understood this was a long time passion of his and as long as the movies were not playing anywhere in the apartment when I was around I had no problem with it.

I never noticed any slowdown or him not being interested in bed because of his porn collection. and I would say if the guy prefers to wank while watching porn instead of being with his wife or girlfriend it is time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Storm
2 years 3 months ago

My husband and I have been together for five years. I was 18 and he was 30 when we got together. When we first got together I realized he liked to look at and watch porn. I told him how I felt about it, being honest with my feelings way before we got married. I never lied, nor hid the fact I didn’t like it. I wanted him to know how it made me feel so he could make the choice whether or not he wanted to be with me. I didn’t want to change him nor make him feel like he had to quit. But instead of letting me go, he promised he would stop. After getting married, I’ve found numerous magazines, and videos on his phone. He tried to hide it from me, I guess to try and spare my feelings. Even though I didn’t know he was still doing it, when I found out, it hurt even more to know he was hiding it from me. I’ve brought it up to him, telling him that it truly hurts my feelings. Every time I mention it he instantly gets defensive. He tells me I’m the only woman in the world who has problem with it, and no man can or should have to stop. After promising me he would stop. I feel as though I have just as much of a right to be with someone who doesn’t watch porn as he does to watch it. If he would have just told me he didn’t /couldn’t stop looking at it, we would have never gotten married. Now we have a child, and that complicates things. I don’t want to leave him because I love him, but don’t like the fact that he looks at other women naked. I do feel like it’s a form of cheating, because he should only be looking at me naked. I know men look at women, it’s just instinct and nature. And that’s okay with me, just with their clothes on, not off. In no way do I want to control my husband. I never lied, or waited till we were married to tell him how I felt. I didn’t try to trap him. He made a choice to tell me he wouldn’t look at it no more. We’ve argued about many times, and he always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong, and that it’s not a big deal. I agree watching porn isn’t a big deal, but if it’s hurting the one you love most in the world, then it becomes a big deal. I don’t think my man should be looking at other women’s private parts, or thinking of other women while he relieves himself. He committed to me. If he wanted to look at porn the rest of his life, he should have been honest from the start, and spared my feelings. He could have found another that would have been okay with him watching porn. I know not all women are against their men watching it, but I am. I just don’t know what to do…