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A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Kiss

Thu, Dec 29, 2011

Advice, How To

champagne_toast_glassesphoto by nimAdestiny

The midnight New Year’s kiss is the stuff that Hollywood movie climaxes are made of. Help yours live up to the hype by following these 15 rules:

  1. Even though it IS New Year’s, don’t expect a midnight kiss from your date. Remember, kissing is so intimate an act that not even Julia Robert’s hooker character in Pretty Woman would allow her johns to osculate her.
  2. That said, there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. Right before you leave the house, brush your tongue as well as your teeth and put a tin of mints in your pocket for a post-drinking pre-midnight touch up (gum is tacky). Because bad breath makes every other tip on this list moot.
  3. Oh, and moisturize ‚Äď chapped lips are a bummer.
  4. But go easy on the glam gloss. We know it’s a festive New Year’s party, but three coats of red lipstick or thick sticky goo make you about as kissable as a bulldog with gum disease.
  5. Try to pick up on any signs that your date may not be into a midnight kiss (e.g. at 11:59pm they either excuse themselves to the bathroom, they are in the middle of an in-depth debate on Middle East politics with a group of nerds, or they make a plate with a big pile of spinach garlic dip). You can still try, just move slowly and give them a chance to turn you down. No swift “sucker punches.”
  6. Don’t lick your lips when going in for the kiss, lest you look like the Big Bad Wolf sizing up his next meal.
  7. Do not open your mouth so much wider than your partner’s that it appears as if you are trying to eat their head. Kissing is not a Mick Jagger impersonation contest, no matter what Maroon 5 says.
  8. Use restraint when it comes to tongue (i.e. don’t think of this as “tonsil hockey”). Keep it romantic at midnight and save the passion for 2am.
  9. No matter how much tongue you decide to use, keep it soft and flat, not pointy like an eel.
  10. Keep your salivation in check ‚Äď sloppiness does not equate passion.
  11. Assuming you’re in the middle of a party, don’t let this become an extended public make-out session. If anyone yells “Get a room,” you’ve held the lip lock too long.
  12. It’s an over-the-top holiday so an over-the-top move like a dip is acceptable (again, so long as it’s clear your date is into the kiss in the first place).
  13. Grabbing someone’s face is romantic so long as you are not holding their head to keep them from pulling away.¬† Putting someone in a headlock so they cannot escape your kisser is not only rude, it is criminal.
  14. Savor the smooching and save the boob groping and crotch grabbing for a little later.
  15. If your kissee turns you down or pulls away quickly after just a peck, resist getting mad or pouty. Even if you are dying of humiliation or crying on the inside, maintain a cool and calm exterior. You can kill yourself later.

Happy New Year!

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