photo by plindberg

After your dad, your significant other is the most difficult person in the world to buy presents for. After all there’s so much pressure — you want it to strike the right note, convey your love, perhaps your desire, show just how well you know them, and at the same time be a surprise. So here are some gift guides to help you get it right with the one you love. (We know you need this because you still haven’t gotten them something yet, procrastinator):

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, nothing is sacred, as we take traditional Christmas carols and turn them into sex advice. Merry Xmas to you!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Chestnuts roasting on a George Forman
The boss doing coke up his nose
Vicious rumors being spread by doormen
And folks dressed up like trashy ho’s.

Everybody knows a Trojan and some Astroglide
Help to make the office party bright
Buzzed Aries with their flies open wide
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Rudolf, the red-nosed Taurus
had a very shiny nose (from the alcohol?).
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows (from the alcohol!).

All of the other hotties
used to laugh and call him names (like Gin Blossom!).
They never let poor Rudolf
play in any reindeer games (like Spin the Bottle!).

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Em & Lo came to say:
“Rudolf with your nose so bright (from all the oral!),
won’t you ‘guide my sleigh’ tonight?”

Then all the hotties loved him
as they shouted out with glee:
“Rudolf the red-nosed luvver,
you’ll go down in history!”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Hark how the bells,
Sweet silver bells,
All seem to say,
Throw cares away.

Get it in gear,
Don’t have no fear,
You’re young, not old,
Have sex that’s bold.

Ding dong ding dong,
You can’t go wrong,
With a dildo,
You big phat ho.

Oh how it pounds,
Making weird sounds,
O’er hill and dale,
Telling your tale.

To your neighbor,
And it will lure,
Them to your bed,
Making you red.

Don’t be ashamed,
Join in the game,
Neighbors can play,
And make your day.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo via Flickr

• College Candy: Asking Santa for a shift in our collective sexual culture.
• YourTango: The 3 fastest ways to holiday dates.
• Eden Fantasys’ Sexis: 10 holiday wish list ideas (from yours truly)
• HuffPost/Women: Tis the season…to argue.
• TresSugar: Stocking stuffers for your significant other.
• The Frisky: 11 presents that won’t get you laid.
• How About We: 5 rules for the office holiday party hook-up.

Getty Image from Telegraph UK article

While doing a little internet research, our intern Alyssa came across this article from the Telegraph UK entitled “Average Man Has 9 Sexual Partners in Lifetime, Women Have 4” accompanied by the above photo from Getty Images. Next to the link she sent, Alyssa wrote: “Random Side Note:  Why do they always use photos of feet sticking out of a bed for these sex stories?  Who has sex with cold feet like that?  Doesn’t it make anyone else feel comfortable staring at these random people’s feet?  Seriously!” It’s a legitimate (and funny) question.

The photo cliche of a couple’s bare feet sticking out from under the covers is to sex news stories as the line “I didn’t come here to make friends” is to reality TV shows. They’re both inescapable, because they both do their job — which is to immediately convey a message and a mood succinctly. With the television script, that message is: I’ll be an interesting and compelling character on this show because my bloodthirsty desire to win will allow me to lie, cheat and talk shit about anyone and everyone without remorse – stay tuned!” With the feet photos, that message is…

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photo via Flickr

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions every few weeks on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

My boyfriend has 2 warts on his fingers. We have been trying to treat them to go away but in the meantime, is it possible to transmit these warts to my vagina? I have looked this up on various websites but can’t find a definite answer. One them has been there for almost 10 years (keeps regrowing) if that helps to clarify what type of HPV.

– Mrs. Toad

Dear Mrs. T.,

There are nearly 200 HPV virus types, and about 40 of them can infect the genitals. HPV viral strains tend to have a favorite vacation spot on your body, and don’t tend to travel outside of that area. Of course, there are exceptions; some high-risk genital wart strains can infect the mouth and throat during oral sex. But HPV 6 and 11, the two strains that together cause 90% of genital warts, don’t cause warts on other areas of the body. The reverse is also true; HPV on the fingers — most often from HPV 1 or 2 — is not likely to cause warts on his or your genitals. But to be even safer, cover up his warts with a Band-aid, finger cot or glove before he touches you.

– Dr. Kate
Gynotalk

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She generously shares her medical wisdom with EM & LO readers every few weeks. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.

“It’s not easy, in this world, to learn how to navigate our anger and attraction, to learn how to be strong, sexual women and kind, gentle men.” This is a quote from our friend Michelle Chihara’s essay, “Pieces of the Past,” published this week on her blog This Blue Angel. On the surface this essay is a response, a clarification of sorts, to an essay the filmmaker Miranda July — Michelle’s former high school classmate — published on the teen website Rookie, about what she calls her feminist action, twenty years ago. But at its heart Michelle’s essay is about feminism, activism, sympathy, motherhood, adulthood, sex, sexuality… you know, the little things.

Let’s rewind a little: Miranda July’s essay describes how a boy at their high school made an announcement in assembly: “Someone spilled their Coke on my BMW. If this happens again I’m going to be forced to sue for damages. Keep your hands off my car.” In other words, he was a rich asshole — either that or he did a pretty good impression of one. In response, Miranda hung posters all over school that read, “You say: Keep your hands off my car. We say: Keep your hands off our bodies. Sincerely, the women of this school.” Because he wasn’t just a rich asshole, Miranda writes, “he had a history of touching girls at parties when they were drunk or passed out. This was widespread knowledge; older girls told younger girls: watch out for Xavier Reed.” The way Miranda tells it, this was a story of high school girls standing up for themselves when no one else would, eschewing victimhood for a controversial riot grrly campaign. No wonder the teen girl readers of Rookie responded with such awe, declaring themselves “inspired” by Miranda’s action. And it’s true: teen girls need more heroes, more role models, more women who will teach them how to grow up, how to be a woman, how to be a feminist.

And yet. As always with the stories we tell — and especially so the stories we tell about high school — there is another side. Miranda writes, “Thinking about it now I imagine [Xavier] had his share of suffering, but to understand this story it’s important that you feel no sympathy for him.” Except that Xavier was a teen boy accused, anonymously, of sexual harassment, based — it turns out — on a high school rumor mill. As Michelle writes, “To understand this story, it’s important that you feel sympathy for everyone involved, including, yes, Xavier. Because any teenager accused of sexual harassment deserves a fair hearing, even if — or perhaps especially if — he can be kind of an ass.

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photo by w00kie

Feeling down in the dumps because you’re going to be single for Christmas and New Year’s?

You’re not alone. Well, sure, you’re alone in the sense that you don’t have a cutie to go ice-skating with while clad in matching striped scarves from the Gap. But you’re not alone alone. Despite the onslaught of trailers for overly sentimental flicks featuring inspirational sports teams/family reunions/elf costumes, all those extra Kay Jewelers commercials (that actually make us pine for the Coors twins), and the music about love and joy that’s piped into every pharmacy — despite all that, love is not, actually, all around. There’s war and infidelity and existential crises and depression and recession and people in those pharmacies fighting and pushing to get to the front of the line with their gift wrap, emergency box of tampons, and prescription meds. It only feels like love’s all around because single people don’t spend as much money on holiday gifts and activities, so as far as Madison Avenue is concerned, you’re persona non grata. You might as well be an elf. So you and the other single people start hibernating — drinking Coors in dive bars, most likely — which makes you feel even more alone.

During this season, you might find yourself lingering in the self-help aisle at your local bookshop, fingering titles like If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? and Healing Your Aloneness: Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child. (We wish we could say we made those titles up.) This extended holiday season is a romance pressure cooker guaranteed to make you feel like the kind of loser who might actually buy one of these books. … Read the rest of this entry »

Bend Over Beginner Kit from EdenFantasys.com

SJM, responding to the post  ”Confession: I Want to Do My Boyfriend with a Strap-On“:

This is something that will make a relationship grow. Plain sex gets old. It took me forever to open up to my gf about how I wanted her to ["plug"] me, or whatever. But when she told me about her all-time fantasy about wanting to f**k a guy, I told her how that has been my fantasy — and now that has brought us even closer. I was always scared of her thinking I’m gay or something, which I’m not. It made me feel better to hear her say it’s not. We have grown so much closer.

Lily, responding to the same post:

Assplay is not gay unless you are. You’re not the only one who’s into this, I promise. Even if you did fantasize about a dude doing it to you, doesn’t have to mean you are gay either.

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We are both so in love with each other and talk of marriage in a few years. He is Pakistani and I am white. His religious Muslim family approves of me.

A few months ago, I found out that him and his cousin who lives in Pakistan were writing love letters to each other for two years before we met. I confronted him about it and we settled issues for the most part. He claims to have never loved her. I believe him for the most part, even though the only reason he tossed the letters was because he knew I’d not tolerate or be with him anymore. He is very clingy to things of his past. It hurt so much that he wanted to save these letters because it’s as if they meant something to him.

Since then I have gotten over this issue for the most part because we talked about it many times and he promised me he never loved her. I don’t want to sound like a stupid girl, but I believe him. I really do.
The problem is, they still talk. And her being his cousin, it’s difficult for me to tell him that I don’t want him talking to her, because she is his family. I know he has plans to go to Pakistan on vacation and I am extremely hurt and mad because I know they will see each other. I don’t think I’d be able to be with him anymore even though I love him deeply. I know that if he were in my shoes he would not want me to see someone I wrote love letters to or talk to them, even if I really didn’t ever love them.

I have been avoiding this talk because I can’t bear to be without him, I love him so much. I know that him going to Pakistan is somewhat out of his control because it’s his parents choice, but I don’t know how to handle or approach this situation. I trust that nothing will happen between the two of them while he is there. But I know they will be hanging out a lot, and I cannot bear the thought of him being near her, the girl he thought he loved for two years.

What do I do? I don’t want to break up with him, but I don’t want to be that stupid girl who gets hurt like this either. Ideally he would never talk to her or see her again. Am I being unreasonable for wanting this? I don’t think I am considering he has told me that he does not want me talking to guys from my past. But then again, they were not my cousins.

– Dating a Kissing Cousin

What should D.A.K.C. do?

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it) This week, a reader asks Lauri:

There’s this one aspect of a dream I had that really doesn’t make sense. I was at a college and for some reason the rooms had one bed, meaning I had to share. My friend was on one side of me and she woke me up and told me to get ready for school. I turn over and there’s her sleeping ex-boyfriend who I know she still has feelings for. This is probably something that just won’t ever make sense, but I’m completely stumped.

Lauri: Well, let’s see if I can make sense out of it for you. The college setting suggests this dream is about some sort of lesson you are learning right now in your life, and the bed may mean there is an issue that needs to be put to rest. However, you are sharing the bed. This tells me this issue is not yours alone; others are involved. Your friend waking you up indicates you have “woken up” to a certain reality. Can you think of a recent revelation you have had? This new awareness could certainly be connected to what you have learned recently. Your friend woke you so it is very likely that she made you aware of it, whatever it is. It may have to do with her ex. He’s asleep in the dream and when someone is sleeping in a dream it almost always represents their unawareness in waking life. Perhaps the “it” that this dream is about is that he doesn’t know that she still has these feelings. Does she still pine for him and drive you crazy? This may very well be what you feel needs to be put to rest… and helping her do that may very well be what you need to learn how to do.

Response from dreamer: Thank you for this interpretation! I think you’re right and I think I know what I’ve figured out. I’m the reason some of her favorite relationships sucked (she told me this today) and I really don’t know what to do now. But thank you for helping me figure this out.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! Don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s Instant Dream Decoding Dictionary on her site. And check out Lauri’s new book Dream On It, available everywhere!