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Archive | 2011

And You Thought Your Last Date Was Bad

December 12, 2011


Sometimes you have to date someone for months before the crazy comes out. And then other times, you receive a 1,600 word email after a disastrous first date that accuses you of leading the person on because you played with your hair, you made a lot of eye contact, and you said “Nice to meet you” at the end of the evening. We’re going to have to rethink our first-date advice now, because we’ve always told people that if you’re not planning on calling someone, then don’t say “I’ll call you” and never call — instead just say, at the end of the date, “It was nice to meet you,” and leave it at that. We figured that was the international standard for, “Have a nice life.” Apparently one investment banker didn’t get the memo.

Of course, this 1,600 word email could be a fake. (Backstory: “Lauren” went to the Philharmonic alone, met “Mike” there, and they went on one date, after which she didn’t return his calls, so he Googled her email address and sent her the below letter.) But we’ve received thousand of emails over the years from people who are sad/mad/heartbroken/crazy about love — and this one reads like real-life crazy to us. Here’s the letter in full — we’ll let you decide:

Hi Lauren,
I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.
I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.
Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:
-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.
-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.
-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.
-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.
In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).
I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.
Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.
If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.
If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

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Blog Snog: How to Survive Your Family Over the Holidays

December 9, 2011


Truly Mortifying: Overwrought Teenage Anti-Choice Poetry

December 9, 2011


Embarrassing diary entries, old yearbook photos, junior high love letters — it’s all fun and games until someone breaks out their unhinged teenage anti-choice poetry.

Okay, let’s back up and explain a little here. Earlier this week, the Sundance Channel debuted the original series “The Mortified Sessions,” in which celebrities share mementos from their past — nerdy rock lyrics, awkward photos, etc. It’s based on the popular and hilarious Mortified live show that has been staged across the country.

Anyway, we figured that we’d commemorate the new show by unearthing some of our most mortifying mementos. And it turns out that Em has a secret shameful past as a closed-minded, anti-choice teen zealot who chose bad poetry as her weapon.

We’d like to think that Em has since made amends for this brief, mortifying period of her life — after all, the two of us have toured the country for both NARAL and Planned Parenthood, performing our one-hour show to help spread the good word about reproductive rights. (The write-up in the local paper in Madison, WI, when we performed there was headlined “Abortion Blitz!” Er, hi mom.) We even organized a bus-load of Em & Lo readers to march on DC to fight for abortion rights.

So please, please, when you read the following poem — which takes as its inspiration the Munch painting and takes as its subject abortion — bear all that in mind. Also, Em was young, she was ignorant, and she’d had no decent sex ed to speak of. Planned Parenthood and NARAL — we heart you and everything you stand for. And Em is, well, mortified.

“The Scream” by Munch (circa 1990)

The face was contorted by an emotion
it was never created to control
As the mouth opened to release
the terror of a death before life
Freedom flooded in
choking the scream to silence.

And in the distance stood two figures on a bridge;
one from whom life began
and one who could save it.
But the bridge was struggling
to hold the weight of three
and so the one to drown would be
the one whose scream would be silent.

And I wonder why
they couldn’t build a bigger bridge
but she said it was her right
to cross alone
and his duty
to agree.

There were those who tried to stop her
for long enough to hear the scream
but she told them
if they couldn’t watch in daylight
she would wait
and the death would simply become
a dull stain
against the filth of night

and she closed her eyes
and he emptied her
and the scream was silent.

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If You Tweeted Your Haiku Contest Entry, We Need to Hear from You ASAP!

December 9, 2011


Who knew that hashtags weren’t forever searchable on Twitter? Did you know that? Um, we didn’t. Which means we can no longer find any of the sex toy haikus that you Tweeted for our Lelo contest since #EmAndLoHaikuContest is no longer searchable. So, if you Tweeted your sex toy haiku, please send us your Twitter profile name via our contact form (choose Contest Entry from the pulldown menu) so we can find your entry/entries on your Twitter feed and put it/them in both the random drawing contest and the best written haiku contest for the Lelo Insignia toys. Don’t forget to include an email where we can reach you! We’ll give you until next Friday, December 16th to get back to us. (Note: no new entries will count; only Tweets that were made during the time the contest was open, thanks).

Lelo’s Egg Massager Comes with Free Holiday Packaging!

December 8, 2011


This post is sponsored by Lelo

For those of you who are gift-wrapping challenged, Lelo is offering a festive red and gold holiday sleeve for the box of their new egg massager through December 19th — for free! The “Lyla”, part of their new Insignia line, is controlled via wireless remote with an unprecedented range of up to 12 meters/39 feet. Boasting 8 stimulation modes, two unique SenseMotion™ settings also allow you to alter the vibration intensity by moving the controller in the palm of your hand. The holiday edition Lyla is available in all 3 color options, made with FDA-approved body safe silicone, including charger, user manual and full 1-year warranty. For 139 bucks, you could give some serious geek love this Christmas.

Dear Dr. Joe, What’s the Deal with Blue Balls?

December 8, 2011


Every few weeks, Dr. Joe DeOrio, a urologist in Chicago, tackles questions about male sexuality here on EMandLO.com. To ask Dr. Joe your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Joe,

What’s the deal with blue balls?

– The Indigo Boys

Dear T.I.B.,

“Blue balls” is a commonly used colloquialism describing pain or discomfort in the scrotum/testes that occurs after prolonged sexual stimulation without ejaculatory release. Despite your high school buddy’s arguments to the contrary, it is not a justification to demand sexual satisfaction. You’re not going to die, and you won’t damage anything.

Many men (and some medical professionals) consider this condition a myth, but any man that has experienced the dull ache appreciates its legitimacy. To be frank, I’m not sure what causes the pain. I’ve heard several hypotheses, most related to the epididymis, a small structure adjacent to the testes where sperm mature. The most commonly cited theories include the backup of blood in the epididymis or scrotum; swelling of the epididymis; and backup of sperm in the ejaculatory ducts, affectionately labeled “deadly sperm buildup.” Interestingly and for reasons that I cannot comprehend, the medical profession has not dedicated a great deal of effort into deciphering this medical conundrum.

Why not? Probably because it’s not dangerous, is self-limited, and has an easy fix. A fix you say? Yes. Pop one off. Huh? That’s right: ejaculate. To placate the more serious amongst you, I did do a proper medical search – even journeyed to the medical library to do so. No mention of blue balls in any of the major medical texts. An extensive literature review revealed only one mention of blue balls in the past 25 years. The October 2000 issue of Pediatrics reported a case study of a 14 year-old boy with recurring scrotal pain after messing around with his first girlfriend. The authors were happy to report that his condition promptly resolved once he started having intercourse – effective, but not my recommended remedy for a child.

Nonetheless, the treatment is valid. Ejaculation almost always “cures” the condition. This may be accomplished by any of the conventional methods. No partner? Opposed to masturbation? You could try a Valsalva manuever, which is forcefully attempting exhalation against a closed airway (imagine trying to “pop” your ears after air travel). One obscure reference from several decades ago even recommends trying to lift a car by its bumper. I guess whatever floats your boat, Superman – just don’t call me when you get a hernia.

Stay curious,

– Dr. Joe

Dr. Joe earned his undergraduate degree in Molecular Biology from Princeton University. After attending the Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine, he completed his residency training in urological surgery at the Los Angeles County Medical Center. He lives and works in Chicago, IL. Keep an eye out for his upcoming blog at docjoe.net.

10 Holiday Wish List Ideas

December 8, 2011


It’s that time of year again! When we struggle to find great, unique, interesting, compelling, and, yes, practical gifts for our loved ones, especially our romantically loved ones. Slippers are great, but sex toys are better. As long as you make quality, beauty and safety your main priorities, you can’t go wrong with a pleasure object (unless you’re in a relationship with a religious neo-con, i.e. one of the few ones who don’t have a secret gimp suit hidden under their bed). Here are ten of our favorites — pick the one that’s right for your sexy Santa or your own nicely naughty wish list:

1. Lelo’s Insignia line — Talk about geek love. This is the first line of vibrating toys that allows you or your partner to control the sensations wirelessly with just the tilt of a hand using iPhone and Wii technology. Choose between an egg, a love ring, or a couple’s massager — all are waterproof, non-porous and phthalate free.

2. Jimmyjane Iconic Collection – This company took the best, most popular vibrators that ever existed, made them out of hygienic, non-porous, phthalate-free material (unlike all their knockoffs) and gave them all a cool design touch by making them all white. They’ve got all the great sex toy bases covered: there’s a love ring, a bullet, a wand, a rabbit, a pocket rocket, to name a few — all of which are super affordable for such a high-end brand! If you or someone you love has a subscription to I.D. magazine and uses a Herman Miller chair at work, then this set will make a great indulgent treat.

3. Holiday Duckie Ball — The vibrating duckie is a classic: waterproof, powerful, discreet and non-threatening. You can make it even more adorable — and thus less likely to offend — by opting for the Santa-suited duckie in the ornament ball. The little yellow vibe made of PVC, which keeps the price down, but at least it’s phthalate-free PVC! (There’s also a gold duckie holiday ball, too.)

4. Metal Worx — Stainless steel is a natural, hygienic, easy to clean material. Plus, it just looks super cool and shiny (thank you, hand polishing!). Even the most homophobic, tool-loving, man’s man would have a hard time turning down the Teazer probe — especially if you gave it to him under the mistletoe.

5. Lelo’s Intima Collection — If your partner has a secret kinky side but also a fashion sense that won’t abide pleather and chunky silver chains, you can give them a kinder, gentler BDSM experience with Lelo’s elegant and sensual wrist ties, blindfolds and feather teasers. The deep red color of these bedroom accessories is perfect for the holidays.

6. Tenga – Forget the Fleshlight. Let’s class it up this Christmas for the porn connoisseur in your life and opt for “onacups” (onanism cups) with a sense of design and style. You can even get a cute little Tenga hole warmer to stick in their stocking.

7. Smartballs Kit — Have a friend who is going to have a baby? Or just had one? Help get her pelvic floor (back) in shape with a Smartballs kit from Fun Factory, the smiley-happy toy manufacturer. Smartballs help tone vaginal muscles to make childbirth easier, get the pelvic floor back in shape after delivery, improve her orgasms, and increase sensation for her baby-daddy. Much better coming from you than her partner. You can choose a red Teneo Uno and a green Teneo Duo for the holidays!

8. Garden of Edo Organic Collection — If you’re going to pamper your Pookie (we’re talking about a loved one, not a body part here) with a collection of massage oils and bath salts, make it thrice as nice by opting for a brand that’s certified organic and erotically inclined.

9. Kimono Condoms — Safer sex is always in season. And condoms are the perfect “stockings” to stuff in your friend or lover’s stocking! Kimono Microthins are the thinnest condom available in the US — 20 percent thinner than normal condoms! They’re natural latex rubber and animal-product-free.

10. Candy Cane — This one won’t give your sweet-toothed sweetheart a cavity. Or any other ailments, for that matter, since tempered glass is one of the safest materials out there when it comes to toys: it’s non-porous and phthalate-free. Hide it in a Holiday Hide a Gift Pillow so you can play Secret Santa when you two cozy up by the fire.

Car Crash Sex on TV

December 7, 2011


We recently ran a post on EMandLO.com about television shows with hot sex scenes, but if we’re being honest, the stuff that really floats our boats is the hilarious, cringe-worthy stuff that just seems a lot more realistic — after all, sex is often awkward, full of miscommunication, with some head bonking and disappointment, maybe tears. Which is why we loved, loved, LOVED last night’s episode of “New Girl” on Fox. We’ll admit, we were pretty eh about the pilot — it was close, but no cigar. So we never scheduled a second date with the show. But a friend encouraged us to give it another chance last night and we are so glad we did — because we can’t remember the last time we laughed so hard, especially not from of a television show (we’re talking tears and stomach pain). Not to get your hopes up, but it’s one of the best sex scenes we’ve ever seen on TV* — it should win an Emmy. We liked it so much, we went online so we could watch the earlier “penis” episode (officially titled “Naked”), which also did not disappoint. Oh, if only the same could be said for sex.

Now “New Girl” is fictitious comedy, and so the laughter last night’s scene elicited came freely, without any hesitation or guilt. It was truly joyous to guffaw at the characters on the screen. Not so with the giggles you’ll get watching TLC’s The Virgin Diaries — and that’s just the promo. These are real people, adults who’ve waited a looooooooong time to get it on. And so watching the car crash that is a bride and groom kissing (anyone!) for the first time ever is excruciatingly painful, not just because they look like, as Jimmy Kimmel described it (at minute 11 of his monologue), a mama bird regurgitating chewed up food into her baby’s mouth, but because you really feel bad about laughing about them. Not bad enough, of course, to not mention it on your blog the next day.

*Here’s the set up of the New Girl roleplaying scene: Jess recently broke up with her boyfriend of six years, so she hasn’t had sex with anyone else in a really long time. With a new guy on the scene, she’s afraid she’s out of the loop on sex trends and techniques, so she buys some lingerie, watches 5 straight hours of porn, and gets terrible advice from her male roommates about roleplaying. For some reason, the clip ends before the scene does (premature cessation!), so if you want to watch how the hookup ends, you’ll have to wait until next week to catch “Bad in Bed” online here (though unlike saving sex until marriage, it’s worth the wait).

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Dear Em & Lo: My BF Wants to Watch Me Have Sex with Another Man

December 7, 2011


photo by belgianchocolate

Dear Em & Lo,

Recently my boyfriend of six months has asked me to fool around (and maybe have sex) with another man, so he can secretly watch. We have a very healthy sex life (7-10 times a week) and both feel deeply in love, but he says that this desire is a real turn-on for him. I am not interested in having sex with another man, but can understand why it might turn him on.

My fears are that after the act, we would have trust issues and our relationship will be destroyed. I love him very much and do not want to lose him. I want our sex lives to be exciting and fun… but would this one exciting time ruin our relationship? I think it might be a turn-on, but I would never be able to allow him to do the same thing with another girl. Of course, I don’t think that is fair. What should I do?

–Conflicted But In Love

Dear CBIL,

You’re totally right to be conflicted. In fact, you’re totally right to be totally shitting yourself at the thought of doing something like this. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s right or wrong for your relationship, but you’d be an idiot if you went fearlessly into that kinky night. This is a huge deal, and something that is very right (and very hot) for some couples, but very wrong (and very destructive) for most couples. So, how can you figure out which kind of couple you are?

Let’s start with him. Has he ever done something like this before? Sure, the idea might turn him on, but how does he know the real-life version will? You have to be some kind of advanced human being — i.e., one who’s missing the jealousy gene — in order to handle this, let alone get off on it. Is there anything in your relationship to suggest that he’s this sort of being? Or, more pertinently, to suggest that he’s not? Ultimately, of course, he can make all the promises in the world, but there’s no guarantee that he won’t see you differently after something like this. In fact, something like this will change your relationship, there’s no way around it. Perhaps for the better (you both suddenly decide, I want to be almost-monogamous with this person for the rest of my life!)… or perhaps not. That’s the risk you take. Because without risk, where’s the taboo-breaking fun?

But it’s not all about him, is it? Listen, it’s one thing to try out a new position you’re not all that fond of, just because your boyfriend’s into it. But to have sex with someone when you have zero interest in doing so? Then he starts to sound more like a pimp than a lover. And have you told him that if you did something like this, you’d be incapable of reciprocating? If so, does he understand that you wouldn’t then “owe him one”? And that, actually, he’d kind of owe you one: next time, he’d be the one that had to indulge your fantasy. Read the rest of this entry »

Dream Interpretation: I Make Out with My Childhood Sweetheart

December 6, 2011


photo via Flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it) This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I keep having a dream where I meet up with my childhood ex-boyfriend at the beach. We greet and hug each other hello and spend the day together. Later that evening we go out to dinner and take a stroll along the beach laughing and enjoying each other’s company. We retire for the night in separate rooms where neither of us can sleep or stop thinking about the other. He calls me on my cell and we arrange for him to come up to my room where we sip some wine and enjoy the view of the ocean from the balcony and continue to talk and eventually share the most passionate kiss I’ve ever had. Then the dream ends. I have had this dream several nights in a row for the past three months. What does this mean?

Lauri: Since your dream has been happening for about 3 months now it is connected to something in your life that has been going on for about 3 months. Let’s look at the different elements of the dream and see if we can figure it out for you. Your childhood boyfriend is not necessarily playing himself but rather is standing in for either A) excitement and passion because he is the first person you probably ever felt excitement and passion for, even as a child or B) your childlike, carefree, fun-loving self.

In the dream you can’t stop thinking about each other. What in real life have you not been able to stop thinking about? Has something been going on for about three months now that has been exciting and made you feel like that young fun-loving girl from your childhood? Is something going on that you’re really passionate about? Or is this something you need to bring into your life? Are you in a relationship that needs to be rejuvenated? That may be why your dream is using your childhood boyfriend as he could represent a fun, youthful relationship where everything feels new and exciting again.

Your dream always seems to end with a kiss. The point at which a dream ends (naturally rather than by an alarm) is the main message of the dream. Kisses in dreams are really about communication in real life because – like kissing – it requires two mouths to communicate. Your cell phone in your dream also represents communication so it seems that you’ve either been communicating very well with someone lately or you need to communicate what you need in order to bring this fun and excitement back into your life.

Response from dreamer: Thank you so much for the interpretation of my dream. First, I must start off by saying, I used to be extremely happy, adventurous, and enjoyed simple outdoors trips and getaways. I have been married for five years, but we’ve been together for eleven and one-half years. For the last three years I have been unhappy and for the last three months, I have been struggling with something. My husband and I have not been getting along very well (there are other issues also), and I have been trying to find a way to tell him that I want a divorce. I have been longing for the old “me” when I was fun-loving, full of excitement, and truly happy. In the last three months, I have been coping with my own feelings and emotions trying to make sure that I was making the right decision and that this was something that I really wanted. This time period has been very stressful and emotional. I have since had a discussion with my husband, and although he is not very happy, I feel so relieved and I have not had the dream reoccur to date. I am confident that my life will be better. Thank you again.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! Don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s Instant Dream Decoding Dictionary on her site. And check out Lauri’s new book Dream On It, available everywhere!