Em & Lo's RSS Feed Em & Lo's Daily Email Feed Be Our Facebook Friend! Follow Us on Twitter!

LEVI's on Amazon

Good Vibes Cupcake

Buy on Amazon Kindle!

Sandals on Amazon


Dear Em & Lo: How Do I Tell My BF He Sucks at Oral?

Wed, Jan 4, 2012

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I’m 21, he’s 28. He’s the only person to ever perform oral sex on me, so while I have no one to compare him too, I know that he is bad at oral sex. He pushes his entire face on my lady region and just moves side to side, as if that is supposed to feel good. He hardly uses his tongue and I don’t think he even understands he needs to focus on the clit. After 3 years, I have no idea how to tell him that he’s not doing it right. Help!
— Suffering in Silence

Dear SiS,

Oh dear. We’re tempted to tell you to dump this guy and start over with a new one, because it’s a million times harder to teach an old partner new tricks. This is in large part because there’s no easy way to say, “You’ve been screwing up for three years and I just never got around to telling you.” How would his ego ever recover from such a blow? How would he ever know to trust your sexual response in bed again? This is why we emphasize again and again and again the importance of communication in bed from the out-set — not to mention the importance of never faking.

But maybe he’s a good guy. Maybe you really love him. We’re going to assume you do, as there’s obviously a reason you stuck with him despite godawful oral. First off, it’s important that you lose the attitude (are we wrong in sensing a little attitude in the phrase as if that is supposed to feel good?). How on earth is he supposed to know what feels good if you never tell him? Maybe his last girlfriend didn’t like clitoral attention during oral (some ladies don’t) and that’s why he’s shying away from yours. Or maybe no woman has ever had the decency to tell him how to do it, which means he’s flailing away down there like a wind-up toy.

Once you’ve accepted that you’re as much, if not more, to blame as he is, you can start your gentle campaign to reeducate him. The next time he goes down on you, ask him — as if it’s a thought that just occurred to you — to focus on your clitoris. When he gets there, give him feedback — faster, slower, harder, softer, a little to the left, etc. And when he gets it right, go crazy with the positive feedback:  moan, call his name, say yes, whatever works for you. The next time he goes down on you, offer a different specific suggestion of something he might try. Again, guide him gently and go nuts when he gets it right. Don’t try to change his entire approach in one session — after all, you’ve waited three years, what’s another few weeks?

Oh, and next time you’re going down on him, why not ask what he’d like you to do? Just in case, you know, he’s been suffering in silence for three years too. Kidding! (Sort of.)

– Em & Lo

, , ,

 

44 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo: How Do I Tell My BF He Sucks at Oral?”

  1. Michael Says:

    If at 28 the guy can’t tell if you’re excited by how wet you’re getting and by your body language, I feel very sorry for him and you. My wife always gets two orgasms orally (because that’s all she can handle) before the main event and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  2. Codi Says:

    I can kind of feel for you.

    My man (26) and I (21) have had quite the experience when it comes to oral. He had never preformed it until I came around. So, at first, he would do his version of pleasuring me. Not very satisfying. Each time after that, I would guide him one step at a time. Now, he’s much more confident in his skills and I’m definitely reaping the benefits.

    Be honest!! It’s better for all parties involved. Even if not from the beginning- better late than never. Good luck!

  3. William Says:

    I think the bulk of the first paragraph, that Em & Lo wrote, was pitiful. How could they even consider telling SiS to drop her boyfriend because of bad oral? I thought the balance of their advice was good as SiS wanted to know how to rectify the problem. I especially like the part where they point out how SiS comment could be taken condescending by her boyfriend and that SiS too is responsible for the situation she finds herself in.

  4. emandlo Says:

    William: That opening paragraph was not meant as serious advice, but rather a tongue-in-cheek reflection of our exasperation with situations like these. Also – and it’s important to know this – our exasperation is NOT about the bad oral, but about the utter lack of communication. Plenty of happy relationships can survive a lack of oral, or poor oral. But no relationship can survive a lack of communication.

  5. Gerry Says:

    It all comes down to communication which is not optional, but compulsory. If all problems were solved by suffering in silence, it would be a very quiet world.
    I luv to perform cunnilingus –really do, but not sseing anyone right now. Living in Toronto. Any ladies interested? Feel free to drop me a line.

  6. julie Says:

    I have the worse situation ever. My first husband, a world class asshole, was also world class in oral sex. The bedroom was where he excelled, but he was horrible at life. My new husband is a gem, but doesn’t have a clue about oral sex, and I’m afraid he never will. I’ve tried teaching, hinting, etc. He doesn’t get it. Sigh! A nice guy that is bad in bed vs. a bad guy that is good in bed. Story of my life!! I just resigned myself to this is the price payed for being with a nice guy. Double sigh and a tear!

  7. Jeff Hodges Says:

    Maybe you stink downtown!!

  8. The Cunning Linguist Says:

    This entire topic together with the comments is hilarious.
    I’m an older dude~gent~guy who has always been more into giving than receiving.
    I was fortunate to meet a very young cougar when I was very youngER.
    She was very clear about this, that and everything else.
    I am, no, YOU ladies owe her.lol

    There is one major element to all this which I learned early on and have always done~~PAID ATTENTION.
    A woman always tells you what she likes, whether she knows it or not, by her body language.

    Of course, I have an unfair advantage due to having a space between my two front upper teeth;~) Load and lock, baby.lol

    Anyway, guys just need to pay attention and, if you’re uncertain of what she likes, ASK from time to time.
    And learn how to find her OH GEE spot.

  9. figleaf Says:

    A little late in the day, perhaps, but one way to broach the subject (after three years of silence) would be to say something like “I stumbled across this blog and got some great ideas about oral — some for me to try on you and some I’d love you to try on me.”

    Em & Lo would be a good choice, of course. (Although obviously don’t show him this post… at least not first!) They’ve got some great advice. There are other great choices out there as well, which is good because that improves the chances that you’ll find a post that would work for you and wouldn’t be an ego-bruiser for him. (Same goes for techniques for you to try on him.)

    Would that work for you?

    Good luck,

    figleaf

  10. Johnny Says:

    One problem, from a guy’s point of view, is that the vagina is a very complicated organ compared to the penis. What women like down there is much more varied and nuanced than what guys like down there (I mean, I think…). One woman needs you to rub to the left, the next to the right. One likes up-and-down tongue, the next woman likes side-to-side. One lady likes the tongue inside her, the next hates that. Fast, slow, etc.

    We don’t know unless you tell us.

    Guys tend to import techniques from one woman to the next (particularly guys prone to LTR’s). His last GF might have LOVED the way he used his mouth on her. Maybe that’s why he does it that way.

    Just something to keep in mind. If it helps you understand your guy, that is. If it makes you angry and jealous, never mind. Forget I said anything.

  11. toosexualcat Says:

    QUIT your bitching… at least he DOES it. A lot of men want bj’s but don’t want to do it back.

    I have a guy who sucked at it and didn’t like, which is my guess, the reason he sucked. He stopped doing it and while I wish he would, I’m glad he doesn’t. I’m sexually frustrated enough with him without needing to add this to the sexual pot.

    He’s an otherwise good guy, just has no sex drive. OH well. I guess we can’t win them all can we?

  12. Marissa Says:

    I completely agree with Johnny, when it comes to oral sex guys have a much harder time with knowing what to do. I am one of those women who don’t like clitoral stimulation but I believe most women do so every woman is different. Although I am slightly worried by this woman’s admission that her bf hardly uses his tongue. You really should have been honest with him from the begining and Em & Lo are right you should lose the attitude as you are just as at fault for not discussing this with him. I didn’t like my bf’s oral at first either but I discussed it with him straight away and sensitively. He’s a big boy and he was perfectly fine with it. The bottom line here is that if you can’t talk to your partner about sex you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

  13. Max Says:

    Em & lo are just spot on here. Don’t ever tell your boyfriend you “think he sucks at going down on you.” A negative comment like this will destroy a guys ego and have the opposite effect you want. Start giving him some guidance and little tricks while he’s doing it. If he does it right, give him a lot of verbal positive reinforcement. He’ll be a pro in no time.

  14. Dave Says:

    Just tell him what you like. Its no where near the level of a problem that you think it is. Its not going to be like a convo you have with your female friends. Just tell him straight up what you like, preferably with your hands down his pants. No dancing around or careful approach needed.

    Kills 3 birds with 1 stone. Insures you have his fullest attention. Makes it impossible for him to take what you say negatively. Gets him moving in the right direction to put it into practice right away for easier retention.

  15. DrRick Says:

    I’ve always said, “I’m happy to give my partner 30 min to an hour of oral, and then I’m happy with my 5 min.” Most guys don’t understand, it takes girls longer. I’m older (64) and suffer from ED. After 44 yrs, my wife doesn’t enjoy sex any more, so I’ve begun to offer my “Services,” to other women, and asking nothing in return. Women enjoy receiving oral, without having to return the favor, and they seem to enjoy receiving oral for as long as necessary to achieve complete and multiple orgasms. Maybe the answer is try an “Older Guy!”

  16. warren Says:

    u need to shave and keep it clean, also try a nice perfume directly,

    i always do it to my girlfriend but she has hair and doesnt apply perfume, she is scared to use body-spray or perfume on her private area. still i do it to satisfy her…

  17. Johnny Says:

    PERFUME? Directly!?

  18. DDLYnn Says:

    Johnney is spot on.

    Another suggestion may be to masturbate clearly in front of him and only hit your clit. Show him and tell him gently. A woman is like a flower that you must slowly open. It is not a dive right in situation. soft touches will cause the flower to slowly open.
    There are also good arctics on the web on how to do it. Maybe suggesting that after three years you want to try something new because it could be fun. Maybe after he sees your response he will change his dance style with you.
    Your problem is not unusual. I was dating a guy for 5 years that would do this annoying hip wiggle thing that hurt my hips. One day I my hips were sore and I was not in a good mood and told him not to do that darn hip thing. He said that he thought I liked it. This whole time I thought it was just his thing so I put up with it. He has not done it since.

  19. steve Says:

    Your response about tongue in cheek seems to be the problem. The tongue is supposed to be somewhere else.

  20. Dr Mountbank Says:

    I’m also an Old Guy, 70 to be exact. I have over 50 years of experience going down on women, and I can say without hesitation that each woman is different. Truly. Like DNA or fingerprints, no two pussies are the same. Patience young men (and young women, too!), patience and a willing heart combined with a woman who feels SAFE telling you what she wants and can do so clearly…that is the key to bring many women to peak passionate release. For me there is nothing quite like pleasing a woman; first learning about her, and then pleasing her.

    At my age, women are hard to come by (no pun intended, or maybe I did intend that one. Hmmm…), and I do sorely miss engaging in lovemaking with more than my hand (and for those women out there who are about to bite my head off because they think “young” is what I’m looking for? My last girlfriend was 72. And she dumped me! But not for failure below the meridian. Because I was too old for her ageist, sexist ass.

    But that is all past now. I just want younger men and women to know that when I say practice and learning and all that, that I am not talking about years or even months. You can earn – as I did – the appellation of “an educated tongue” within a few hours or a few days. I was 23 when I was told for the first time – post cunnilingus, of course – that I had an “Educated Tongue”. And she wasn’t talking about linguistic facility in Mandarin. But she WAS talking about communication, that is communication between us via my tongue, lips, chin (yes boys, chin) and…this may be the most difficult to imagine without guffawing: my nose. (Settle down, Children, settle down…)

    Now using virtually all of your facial features to pleasure a lady may seem not only far-fetched but just plain weird; Butt, Guys, I’m trying to stir your imaginations; women are happy if you just learn to use your tongue intelligently and passionately (really truly enjoy what you are doing, Boys!);>o but if you’re willing to put in the time, then you may one day be able to surprise your woman with a double-tucking chin push followed by a nose-over combination double-twisting tongue-flip. That’s what took me fifty years to perfect! And I am only being slightly silly there, Lads. Some of those things I can actually still do!

    But this is completely true: of all the sexual expressions which I have enjoyed in my life, when I say that it is performing oral sex on a woman that I miss the most, I am not being in the slightest bit glib or facile. I could forego almost everything else if I could still be allowed that one special intimacy with a woman. ekw

  21. biscuit Says:

    If I was bad at that (which i know i am very good, thank you, my GF tells me in more than one way hehe) I would be glad to hear it from you in the privacy of our bedroom. Between us is fine. I would rather hear that, rather than you spent $20,000 on our credit cards

  22. Cesar Says:

    WOW!!!!!

  23. froggie Says:

    dear mountbank…..oh my goodness…teach a class on this for the young and dumb / clueless boys… where do you live sexy??if the penis stops working…and the tongue STILL works…praise the LORD.!!!!!and call me!!!

  24. Hal Says:

    Give him this book:

    http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/

    “One of my girlfrieds said this book was fantastic. Let’s read it together and see what I like best!”

    Problem solved!

  25. Monica Says:

    I don’t it. He’s your bf, shouldn’t you guys be communicating? Seriously! You’ve been together for so long!

    How hard can it be just to say, babe a little to the right, or, if feeling a lil more frisky…no words required- just push his head down where you want it :P

  26. cashliew Says:

    Unfortunately I have the same problem even worse my fiance wont go down on me period. I was a virgin when I met him (my own choice to hold off) I know this is something I want and how I want it. I am very open when it comes to communicating for anything and everything. But he even rarely satisfies me with intercourse he is too selfish foreplay isn’t even in his vocabulary. I often feel used afterwards. Even after explaining all of this to him he still gives me nothing that i ask for. I erupting with sexual frustration feeling quite jipped.I waited for the “right” guy I love him more than anything but what he calls making love is far from it I feel like a 2 dollar whore …

  27. cashliew Says:

    oh yeah and he says i ask for too much that i am high maintenance that other girls would think just sticking it in is enough..I explained to him “other girls are not open nor honest and they fake it for the sake of the male ego and have ruined for the honest upfront girls” :\he still doesn’t get it

  28. smittenkitten Says:

    Dear Cashliew, I think its time to go! If you feel that you have given him ample times or time to get things right and he still refuses, then its time to go. I understand waiting for that someone because that is what I did. Yeah, didn’t work well either, he was horrid at oral! My current soon to be fiance’ is great at it! And having sex and making love is completely different…in past relationships I have felt used, but I told myself “I’ll be damned”, so I moved on.
    Even the quickies are amazing because it feels like I’m still making long lasting love with him.

  29. cashliew Says:

    smittenkitten, yes i get that but he doesn’t get it I think its because nobody has ever told him about himself regarding anything not just intimate business because he is this thick headed for everything… I just love him too much too leave him.. sad i know but maybe i deserved this somehow

  30. Angie Says:

    Dr Mountbank, I agree with froggie!!!! teach a class! Just reading your words got my heart racing! ;)

  31. Angie Says:

    cashliew,
    I agree with smittenkitten. it’s time to get out. if a man can disregard your needs sexually, he’ll disregard you in everything else. how much can he possibly love you when he doesn’t even care about you enjoying the most intimate part of a relationship between a man and a woman. I had a husband like that. I loved him so much(or i thought i loved him- but i found out that i am SO much happier without him) He was so selfish. He did things that upset me during sex. I told him that i was sexually abused and that he was doing things that the abuser had done to me. He said “sorry, that’s just my style. I can’t change my style” but it wasn’t just sex. his selfishness was in everything that he did. we saw movies HE wanted to see, but not what i wanted to see- unless he wanted to see it too. we ate at restaurants that he wanted to eat at and never where i wanted to eat. we spent our money on the things he wanted to spend it on usually. when we spent money on things I wanted, He was sweet and manipulative about it and made me feel guilty about it. If someone can be selfish in the Most intimate moment a couple can share he will be selfish in almost every other aspect of your relationship.

  32. Frank Says:

    WOW…
    Reading so many of these comments -
    Here is “MY” story – I love going down on my wife of over 20 years….and I’m one for always trying to keep it real and keep it fresh…BUT she thinks it’s ALL up to me.
    You can’t just lie there and expect a lick here and a lick there and bam…your flying high.
    She says she’s ‘told me what she likes’…and in MY MIND I’m doing what she says…but guess not…
    Told her for years that I would love nothing more than make her scream and climax (it has happened on a few (very few times) -
    ((IF I just lied there and did’t get in the mood / help and move her oral wouldn’t get me over the top))
    And for the records – every other woman in my life I could easily get them over the top each and every time….
    Good Luck to all that try – Me I’m getting tired of trying without any feed back and even if you have to tell me 1,000 times are you happy that you have a man willing to try and try and try

  33. Julie Says:

    cashliew, Wow I really hope you don’t marry this man. If he isn’t going to satisfy you now and is as selfish as he is, it will only be worse later on. What makes you think you can’t find someone who will make you feel special and enjoy making you feel good? Don’t marry this guy!

  34. Teegs Says:

    In response to “The Cunning Linguist Says:
    January 24th, 2012 at 3:02 pm”

    Wow. You wanna get any cockier? You go on about how much you know and how well you do it… And then you go on to mention the gap in your front teeth. WOW. Just, wow. I squirmed when I read that. I have no idea what the hell it is that you do with your ‘gap’ but for the love of god, keep it away from my clitoris!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to break it to u buddy, but I think it’s better coming from a stranger on the Internet than a future lover. Your gap teeth are NOT, repeat… NOT an advantage for going down on a woman and they should not be used as a tool to aid your job. Tongue, lips, hands. When you’re down there… Keep it soft! Tongue, lips, hands. Repeat after me …. Tongue, lips, hands. Teeth = ouch. Yes, even gappy teeth!

  35. Harley Says:

    Dr. Mountbank, I praise your intellect and how you managed to keep a subject like this lighthearted and sexy, but still a bit mature :) While over viewing the comments, I was disgusted to find out how many people seemed to be high or on a shorthand rampage to talk as swiftly as they could about how good they were in bed! Alas, younger men cannot be like you, but for the sake of our future generation, I beg you to teach a class in this. And have fun helping women to “have fun”!

  36. Elizabeth Says:

    Dr. Mountbank, even though generations of women everywhere would appreciate and benefit from you teaching classes to young men some may misunderstand and think you are a perv. Don’t get arrested!

  37. Wkin Says:

    as a dude I can co-sign on this message. I WAS going to suggest you tell him he’s doing it wrong as a joke when you’re like watching TV or something where he doesn’t have to react to it. The idea being you can tell him. He can receive it and he doesn’t have to feel compelled to respond angrily as if you’ve insulted him.

    But still next time he’s by himself or before happy happy joy joy time he’ll mentally reconsider and perhaps try something new. Or possibly pretend to be upset and demand you tell him how to do it right.

    That’s how I would respond. But honestly the advice given would also work on me and I can’t say for sure but I might be even less butt hurt over it.

  38. jakrabbit6969 Says:

    im not sure if you or him are into this type of thing but… you can tie his hands to the bed or something and just sit that wonderful region right on his face, i know i love when my girl does that to me… then you will have full control over where he licks because he will not be able to move his head as much as he would like. You could focus his tounge on whatever part of you that you would like. Trust me, he will go nuts after you do this, and so will you!

  39. fed up Says:

    I have read all these entries and I like some of the suggestions however… My boyfriend and I just moved in together after a year or so and even though it has been hard to keep communication about these things going (he grew up very oppressed and shy) I have gently but directly brought up that I am not happy in this area of the bedroom, I have told him higher up, to the left but no matter what I do he just doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks my uretheal hole is my clit half the time even though we have had a conversation about this and I have shown him by playing with myself and moving his hand on my clit. He dives in and is too rough. Despite all my careful, respectful, tip toeing approaches and direct ones too he just doesn’t seem to get it. I think it is a confidence thing but I don’t know what to do!!!!!

  40. Debby Says:

    MY NAME IS DEBORAH WALLACE FROM HOUSTON,TEXAS.I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS OR MAGIC UNTIL I MET THIS SPELL CASTER ONCE

    WHEN I WENT TO AFRICA IN JANUARY LAST YEAR ON A BUSINESS SUMMIT. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING

    BACK ONE’S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I’M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS

    THE MAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON

    FOR 2YEARS… I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL

    CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND

    DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO TEXAS, MY BOYFRIEND(NOW HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF

    AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND HE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE

    SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY BOYFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED

    HIM TO DO… WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY HUSBAND ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR

    LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS

    spirituallove@hotmail.com….

  41. Debby Says:

    Find Out Why You Broke Up

    This is your next step on how to get my ex boyfriend back. Find out the reason behind the break up. Did you cheat on him, Did he cheat on you that you broke up, Did he

    leave you for another woman, Are there any habits that made him leave you in case he is the one who broke up with you? Finding out a reason behind the break up can

    will help you identify an area that you need to fix so that he can see that you have changed for the better.

    Many times you find a woman doesn’t know exactly why her boyfriend broke up with her. If you are in this kind of situation, try to dig for some answers and get the

    clear ones as to why the relationship ended. Why do you have to find the reason behind the break up? Because you can’t fix anything between you and your ex boyfriend

    if you don’t know the reason behind the break up.Contact Dr Lucy Via :spirituallove@hotmail.com

  42. Tish Says:

    I read a book called “Secretly Teach Him” by MoeJr it has you do things like guide him with your fingers etc. He won’t even know what your doing. My husband had not a clue, and when I got so excited the next time it was the first place he went. and now OMG! is all I can say.

  43. JJ Says:

    If i am not interested in a guy i will not give him any instructions, If it is a one night stand I will give all instructions cos i don’t care what he thinks about me being too bossy or hurting his feelings.
    In a relationship I go about it differently, I make it sound like I am helping him rather than saying that was not right. Like “I love it when you do …. ”
    But then I am also a girl who will ask a guy for feed back on my BJ technique

  44. Butterfly Says:

    Not everyone likes the same thing, so your best bet is to tell him how you like it! If you dont speak up how his he suppose to know.


Leave a Reply