aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how sometimes you go all out to impress someone â€” candle-lit meal, “seductive” music, fine wine, edible underwear â€” and they show up all drunk and could give two shits? Sucks, doesn’t it? Fortunately, this week your efforts will be appreciated. Though you might want to rethink the underwear.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Trust your intuition: If someone feels good to be around, then they’re probably good for you. Either that or they’re wearing a great cashmere sweater and you keep rubbing up against it. In which case, second-guess your intuition until you’ve spent time with them in a less luxurious fabric.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of the Gilmore Girls on Tivo, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Why you always puttin’ up a front? Whether it’s throwing around the benjamins, talking smack, or dressing like a pimpmaster or a prep, you’re constantly drawing attention to yourself in an effort to impress. But instead of coming across as an ultra-hip mover and shaker, you look more like a two-year-old jumping up and down in a saggy diaper shouting “Look at me! Look at me!” Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? Promise us we’re never gonna find you faking. At least not this week.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you. . . or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a nature show on childbirth? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth â€” or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re keeping a list of potential “viewers” to woo into watching your own love channel (how romantic of you). But if you use the bells and whistles of Fox News to get their attention, you’ll be about as respected and sexually appealing as Bill O’Reilly. You relax. They decide.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take the initiative to plan special outings this week that will bring you in contact with new and exciting people. You’re always saying you want to take more advantage of the cultural activities your city offers. So do it! This is the beginning of a new year, there’s sure to be a ton of stuff that will give you the opportunity to rub elbows with other motivated, intellectually curious, and sexually desperate urbanites: plays at the theater, art openings, organized sex parties. Check your local alternative weekly.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
So there you are, in your local bar (or corner deli, or indie record shop), eyeing up the area hottie you’ve been meaning to speak to for weeks now, and you’re finally ready to take the plunge: heart pounding, sweat droplets forming at your temples, hands shaking. . . but whatever you do, don’t use a line. We’re serious as cancer. We know that in moments like these, you suddenly forget how to form complete sentences and a line can seem like a handy crutch, but it’s not. Better to come right out and admit your nervousness than crib from some sleazy pick-up manual written by a guy who hasn’t got laid in decades. Hey, we’d find that endearing.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will think you have found love â€” or at least really good sex â€” this week, but it won’t last, because they’re lying to you. Hate to make you feel like you’ve been kicked in the nuts now, but it’s better than feeling like your heart’s been ripped out through your esophagus later, right?
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Uh oh, Aqua, looks like you might have latched onto someone in a funny-shaped hat this New Year’s. All is not what it appears. And when everything is eventually revealed, that hottie is going to have a serious case of ugly hat-head. Best back up and take a breather, and get out while everything’s still nice and pretty.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ll probably get lucky this week, but not in any deep and meaningful way. So enjoy it while it lasts because. . . oh, look, it’s over already! Damn, you’re fast.