In honor of Presidents’ Day, we’re letting the legacies of some of the past leaders of the free world help inform your love life this week. And then after this post, we’re giving each other the rest of the federal holiday off — we hope your own bosses are equally kind, generous, and good-looking. See you back here tomorrow, when we’ll resume¬†our regularly scheduled programming.
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Herbert Hoover:If you’re always the prohibitionist in the relationship, you’ll end up about as popular as the 31st president, which is to say, not much.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Abe Lincoln:No, not the vampire hunter, the president. Watch your back this week — someone might come up behind you when you least expect it and break your heart.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
George W. Bush:You may be charming and fun to have a drink with, but you’ve got to be deeper than a kiddie pool and sharper than infant spork if you want to attract a long-term partner.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
James K. Polk: Your manifest destiny approach to dating (the more you expand your romantic reach the better) is very American, just be careful not to spread yourself too thin.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
George Washington:¬†No, that doesn’t mean biting your partner with wooden dentures. ¬†We’re talking about refusing to tell any lies when it comes to your romantic feelings and expectations and activities.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
FDR:¬†You are positioned to make this relationship last, we’re talking a record four terms. Keep up the good work.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Thomas Jefferson:¬†Don’t treat your partner like your love slave, unless it’s part of consensual BDSM roleplaying.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Harry S. Truman:¬†This is not a good week to drop any bombs on your partner.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Warren G. Harding: Cheaters never win, as evidenced by Harding’s common label as “the worst U.S. president ever.” Let that be a lesson to you.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
William Henry Harrison: If you don’t take care of the health of this relationship, it’ll die within a month.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Teddy Roosevelt: You and your loved one need to get off your butts and get outside in the fresh air of the great outdoors, winter be damned.¬†Plan a mini-adventure for a date.¬†Go exploring. A national park, perhaps? You can skip killing big game.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Barack Obama: This week, you will be cool, calm and collected when it comes to romance. Just put on some Al Greene and the rest will fall into place.