When the Oscars primarily entail being lectured by a bunch of narcissistic celebrities about how awesome and important their jobs are, when the highlight is Sacha Baron Cohen spilling the Bisquick ashes of Kim Jong Il all over “Bryan” Seacrest’s $1000 suit on the red carpet, and when the most scandalous moment of the night revolves around determining whether J. Lo is accidentally (or purposely?) showing areola or not, then you know you’ve got to make things a little more interesting. Here’s how: imagine what movies would have won if the Academy wasn’t so afraid of sex:
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa McCarthy — for her portrayal of unbridled, uninhibited, unapologetic sexuality outside the strict boundaries of “ideal” femininity.
Best Documentary: PINA — for their shirtless, muscular, sweaty dancing, aw yeah.
Best Animation: CHICO & RICO — When there’s kissing in the sample footage, there’s little doubt which is the sexiest animated film.
Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer — They actually got it right.
Best Original Score: TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY — It’s the only soundtrack you’d want to do it to. Okay, you wouldn’t actually want to do it to it. But it’s the only one that captures the drama of sex. Sort of.