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Wise Guys: Should a Woman Be Worried About Her Boyf’s Close Female Friends?

Tue, Feb 28, 2012

Advice, Wise Guys

photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: Should a woman be worried if her boyfriend has tons of very close female friends? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Married Straight Guy (Jake): On the contrary, I think a man with many close female friends shows that he has the empathy, listening skills, sensitivity and charisma that are valuable in a partner. And if he is floating in a sea of women but chooses to be with you, that’s a confidence booster if I’ve ever seen one.


Single Straight Guy (
Megan): No, not if he has tons of them. Some guys just get along better with women than with other men.  I’m in that category.  I was raised by a single mother and one older sister.  Relating to women is easy for me because I’ve been surrounded by women all my life.  I’m sure I’m not alone in this category.  A woman should be worried if her boyfriend has one, very special friend.  A solitary friendship like that can slide into an intimate, physical, sexual relationship.  A friendship like that contains honesty, candor, trust, respect and even love of a different sort.  A relationship like that can effortlessly reach a tipping point and judgment can lapse if one of the people in the relationship experience an element of trauma, betrayal, loss, frustration or even plain old intoxication.  It’s a common misconception to think that the grass is greener, but, in my experience, it has not been for any prolonged amount of time.  There is excitement in a new, different and rejuvenated kind of intimacy between two “friends”, but when that new relationship ends, so does the friendship.  It’s better to have one, exclusive partner and a number of close friends than one, exclusive partner and one, very close female friend.  There is less chance of a deeper, more intimate relationship developing that way and, as a result, a better chance of the exclusive relationship’s survival.

Committed Gay Guy (Dwayne): Girl friends are the best!  The more girl friends, the more knowledge, insight, and gossip.  It’s healthy to have many friends, whatever sex they are.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Committed Gay Guy is Dwayne Resnick, a mid-20th-century decorative arts dealer in NY’s Hudson Valley; our Single Straight Guy is The Meeglet blogger Megan, a former librarian whose Men of the Stacks calendar benefits the It Gets Better Project, and our Married Straight Guy is Jake Kulji, a Minneapolis-based freelance writer who blogs at Analogue Living and who has written two Minnesota hiking and camping guidebooks. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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5 Responses to “Wise Guys: Should a Woman Be Worried About Her Boyf’s Close Female Friends?”

  1. figleaf Says:

    I’m with Megan on this. If someone has tons of women friends, or men friends, it’s probably a good thing. And if they do, and they chose you, then yeah, that’s definitely not cause for alarm. Not even during those times when you’re not getting along!

    One reason? “Lots of female friends” typically means friends who know each other. And no matter how base someone’s instincts might be they’re generally tempered by knowing that word will go around if you try to get around.

    One especially close friend is probably more problematic. Although… I dunno. If it’s an older friendship than your relationship it might not be a problem as, if there was going to be anything between them then that boat would probably have already left the pier. If it didn’t then, probably not a problem.

    Oh, exception to the “older friendships are probably ok” advice: if you’re in an arranged marriage with a much older future King of England, and his old friend is named something like Camilla that would be a red flag.

    Oh, and one last thing: don’t assume one’s partner is exclusively hetero just because he or she in a hetero relationship with you. He could still be a cheater even though all his friendships with women are platonic.

    figleaf

  2. Johnny Says:

    Weeeeell… depends on the friend. Some of my lady friends I’ve fooled around with, others I haven’t. I am a discreet kinda lover, and so are the ladies I pick for myself, so you’d never know which of my lady friends I’ve hooked up with and which I haven’t.

    Also, it depends on my level of commitment to the relationship. I’m more committed to some girlfriends than to others. So, yes, certain girlfriends do need to worry about certain female friends.

    I am currently as committed to my relationship as I’ve ever been in my life. I do not cheat on my lady, with anyone. I’m so committed that I’d stop hanging out with a female friend who tried to tempt me. My gal doesn’t need to worry about any of my female friends. But I can’t say the same of every situation I’ve been in.

  3. andrew Says:

    If a man is married, he has no business being friends with any woman unless he is primarily friends with her husband. Husbands need to avoid any and all semblances emotional connection with anyone women other than their wives… It’s common sense. To think other wise, just opens the door for infidelity.

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  5. Soduko Says:

    I think it’s incredibly naïve to be okay with your exclusive boyfriend/husband having close female friends that he texts a lot and hangs out with a lot. I don’t know where the misconception came from that cheating or infidelity only occurs once INTIMATE physical contact or intercourse has been had between two people. That simply isn’t so. For example, what do you do the first month you are dating someone? You talk, you get to know each other, you share, you laugh, you grow closer… how is that different from what he does with his female friends? It’s emotional cheating at the very least, It’s insensitive and disrespectful to the woman, you very rarely hear about women with very close male friends they spend a lot of time with or talk to a lot, most men wouldn’t put up with it..and most importantly, it makes PHYSICAL cheating a REAL possibility. You can’t blame a man for falling in love with another woman who he has had so much time to foster a bond with. That’s how the groundwork for a relationship (sexual and/or emotional,) is laid: through connecting, talking, spending time together, etc. Why would any man who is happily committed to one woman put himself in that position where feelings may develop with another woman? No. I say once you decide to commit, keep your female friends at arm’s length, downgrade them to acquaintance status, and keep your friendly activities to all-males only (maybe a few females sprinkled in large group settings, but def no one-on-one.) If this sounds “controlling” just remember that I behave exactly the same in a relationship. I don’t expect anything I’m not willing to give.


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