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Your Valentine Horoscopes

Mon, Feb 6, 2012


photo via Flickr

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

This week your love life is like a box of chocolates. All you have to do is pick one. Just be sure to avoid the ones filled with orange creams — they always suck.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
During a week when it seems like half the population is determined to give the last of their hard-earned pennies to Hallmark and the other half is ready to firebomb the Hallmark headquarters, the sexy few who just think of V-Day as a good excuse to get laid are the heroes. And you, Taurus, you’re our hero. You’re the wind beneath our wings. And for that, the booty gods will look kindly on you this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Act like a bimbo/himbo this week. That means no heated debates about the U. N. Security Council, no pontificating about Picasso’s Blue Period, no deep philosophizing about existential angst and who would win a naked mud-wrestling match, Camus or Sartre. Dumb it down, lest your attempts at sounding impressive just come across as depressive. Think light, airy and breezy — kind of like a Summer’s Eve commercial. Don’t ask any tough, probing questions either; just the simple ones written on those heart-shaped, pastel candies: “Will you be my Valentine?” and “Wanna fuck?”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in the mood for love. Hmm, wonder why? Could it be because everyone in the universe is making sickeningly sweet Valentine’s Day plans but you? Maybe it’s because doing it with your left hand is not as authentic-feeling as everyone says. Maybe you’re just bored. . . or depressed. Whatever it is, get a little closer to someone you recently met and find out how they feel about you. This might not solve your love problem, but it’ll at least be a nice distraction.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, you’ll be more commitment-shy than the seventeen-year-old captain of the football team who’s just crashed cheerleader camp. Especially if any romantic interests in your life give you some kind of “by V-Day” ultimatum. Especially if they start to act like the stupid date means something. (Hey, we’re just channeling you Leos here; we happen to think it means a lot of things.) Especially if they think that the arrival of February 14th automatically signifies a step forward in the relationship. And especially if they have red hair. (Hey, don’t shoot the medium. What can we say, this is a weird and mystical science.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone from your past is likely to try to come back into your life and exploit the sentimental romance of Valentine’s Day. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, shut up for a second and let someone else put their foot in their mouth (or, if you’re kinky like that, their foot in your mouth). You may feel like you’ve got all the right moves, but those moves will look a tad fuh-reaky to a certain someone. So cancel the singing telegram for 2/14, forget about scattering rose petals along the entire thirty blocks your sweetie walks to work — forget anything that screams “I really really need to get laid. Note to underachievers: This does not in any way give you license not to celebrate the holiday with a loved one. It just means you should be a little understated about it. Think a hand-made card instead of a glittery, musical one; think a nice long oral sesh instead of the strap-on.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The ball is in your court, so it’s your turn to make the next move. Whether that means playing with yourself or playing with someone’s scrotal sac this Valentine’s Day, we couldn’t tell you. But if it were up to us, we’d say go for the Balzac!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your week will get progressively better when it comes to love and romance. Duh, because Valentine’s Day is coming. Don’t do nothing. If there is someone who interests you, send them a homemade Valentine’s card.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Someone will confront you in a dark alley this week. They’ll speak to you in hushed tones, back you into a corner, and open one side of their jacket to reveal their heart. It’ll be big and red, maybe made of cardboard with a lace trim. They’ll offer it to you free of charge, no questions asked, just to try to get you hooked. When you hesitate, they’ll try to intimidate you: “All the cool kids are celebrating Valentine’s Day. What are you, a frozen chicken?” If you know you can’t handle it, don’t give into the pressure. Just say no.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Three things can ruin Valentine’s Day: musical greeting cards, forgetting to make a dinner reservation and jealousy.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know it’s Valentine’s Day and all, but that’s no excuse for rushing things that aren’t ready to be rushed, and it’s no excuse for coming on all hot and heavy. Commitment-phobes don’t become marriage-ready at the stroke of midnight on February 13th — and if they do, chances are they’ll turn back into a big fat non-committal pumpkin at the stroke of midnight on the fourteenth.


3 Responses to “Your Valentine Horoscopes”

  1. Alex Says:

    “And you, Aries, you’re our hero.” From the horoscope for Taurus.

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