aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. But how are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie if this recession keeps on going? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to send us presents.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys, you’ll have no problem attracting attention this week. If you’re not in one of your “fun” moods, well, sucks to be you. Brute force just won’t cut it, sorry ‚ÄĒ as Bonnie Raitt twanged, you can’t make them love you. Better luck next time.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love is all around you like flies on poop this week. Just say what’s on your mind, and things will get hotter in the bedroom than a bag of dog crap set on fire and left on some poor soul’s doorstep on Goosey Night.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
To say that you’re not in a committing mood right now is putting it lightly. The devil on your shoulder is yelling “Run away! Run away!” every five minutes. And the angel’s not much help, either; he simply suggests that a brisk walk away might be both safer and more polite. We don’t want to change you (after all, we’re here to love you just the way you are) but then again, we’re not dating you. If you’re going to keep lovin’ em and leavin’ em, at least have the decency to warn potential victims ahead of time so they have a chance to run first.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Someone may try to push you to make a decision regarding a relationship. If you have to think about it, you probably aren’t ready to move that fast. Then again, maybe you just haven’t had your morning coffee yet and are feeling a little sluggish. Perhaps you have a head cold, or are hungover, and just need time to wake up and smell the roses of romance. Still, chances are you’re a selfish, immature bastard who’s afraid to grow up and won’t commit. At least we’ll still love you.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but you can’t always be Cinderella. And this week, the shoe doesn’t fit. No matter how many toes you hack off ‚ÄĒ at least, that’s how it went in the rather gruesome version of the fairy tale we remember, thanks Mom and Dad ‚ÄĒ this glass slipper relationship is still not going to be right for you. And don’t think you can get away with rationalizing that “it’ll do for now. ” ‘Cause if you insist on shoving your big-ass ugly feet into those glass slippers while you wait for your own prince(ss) charming to come along, when s/he finally does, you’ll have so many blisters that you’ll be unfit for any kind of shoe. Even those super comfy “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” kind.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you feel like someone’s backing you into a corner, then dump them. Of course, you, could feel backed into a corner on the open, sprawling moors of England. Make sure you’re not blowing any pressure out of proportion. Is it really so big a deal for them to leave a toothbrush at your house if they’re ending up in your bed, at your invitation, every night? The matching track suits, however, is grounds to lose their number forever.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It’s time to get in touch with your inner, black-clad, shit-kicker-boots-wearing, whip-wielding, six-foot-two dominatrix. Her name is Cassandria. Channel her energy this week and you should get whatever and whomever you want. You might even find someone to kiss your feet and clean your bathroom. Domination has its privileges.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re a player, Cap. But this week, prepare to get played. Wear your helmet and brace for heartache.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Tongue tied, short of breath, don’t even try, try a little harder. Something’s wrong, you’re not naive, you must must be strong. Ooh, baby, try, move a little closer. You’re too shy shy . . . It’s like Kajagoogoo wrote that song just for you this week.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be the ball this week and play hard to get. Don’t let anybody scoop you up and slam dunk you, at least not yet. Make them chase after you, break a sweat. Make them work for your balls. We mean, your ball.