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Dear Em & Lo: The Lightning Round

Wed, Apr 25, 2012

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

photo by stevoarnold

Sometimes the questions we get asked don’t require a long complex essay to answer — to us, they seem pretty cut and dry. But a three-word advice post could read a little cold — it’s all over so quickly!  So we’ve combined a bunch of quickies into one post to provide maximum satisfaction.

My boyfriend and I were having a great discussion about our sexual escapades when he brought up something (jokingly) that totally mortified me: toilet paper in an…um…intimate place. Apparently, not once but TWICE, he’s found small pieces of TP when he was going down on me. Not only do I not know how that happened (I’m usually a very clean person), but I’m not sure how to prevent it short of checking with a mirror or showering directly before. This has me totally freaked out for the next time, though. What can I do to keep this from happening?

Buy more expensive toilet paper.

 

i just want to say that u girls r so hot.

thx

 

Does the boy know if you are not a virgin anymore if you have sex with him?

No.

 

I’ve been doing nude modeling for an art class and I’ve been “standing to attention” mid-way through — it’s incredibly unprofessional and I’m sure no one signed up for that! Is there any cream or any advice that could keep it down?

Think about something unsexy. Try this: President Romney. Or perhaps: Arizona Abortion Law.

 

Hi, I’m 17, male, and still a virgin, is this normal?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

 

When your boyfriend is an admitted, avid and long-time frequent “customer” (or, “John”/hobbyist) of prostitutes (providers/escorts) and self-admitted porn addict, is there a snowball’s chance in hell for an average looking woman over 40 (me) to have a healthy happy relationship with him? Meaning, knowing what I know about his past, just how exactly am I expected to comfortably function in a sexual relationship with someone whose frame of reference is 20 year old hard bodies? I’ve been told I look “amazing for my age” (back-handed compliment, to be sure…but I’ll take what I can get) but he can’t seem to get excited by me whenever I try to seduce him. He says he needs physical contact to be aroused. Hrm. Somehow I don’t buy it. I feel he’d have NO trouble whatsoever if I were a 17 year old skinny bisexual hottie with huge tits. (Yes, he’s admitted to liking the teens and I’ve noticed his penchant for huge breasts, which mine are not). So, having said all this (and even though he SAYS he thinks I’m “hot” or sometimes just manages to say that I “look great”) — my question is: am I an idiot? Should I just wake up and realize I’m being played for a major fool and stop allowing myself to be torn up inside with daily self-loathing and insecurity? Or, is there hope, as he says there is? P.S. He’s made it clear to me that his most recent relationship (also an escort) has a better body and was far more exciting in bed. Yippee for me.

Run away. Fast. Don’t look back.

 

I have been dating this guy for about 3 and a half weeks now, I know it’s not that long but.. it’s starting to bug me how he only calls me at night and never during the day and I always have to make plans for him to come see me, I really want this relationship to last but I just cant get through my mind why he doesn’t call me during the day.. and most of the time when I call him throughout the day he doesn’t answer. What is the problem with that?

Maybe he has one of those, oh, what do you call them again… day jobs.

 

How come you said in your book that guys can’t look at woman’s breasts? Doesn’t pro-sex mean pro looking at boobies?

Does your mom know you read our site?

 

Love,

Em & Lo

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One Response to “Dear Em & Lo: The Lightning Round”

  1. Evan Says:

    Not a single one of the girls I’ve had sex with are virgins anymore, and I know this with a high degree of certainty…


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