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Haiku Horoscopes: 04-09-12

Mon, Apr 9, 2012

Horoscopes

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes ‚ÄĒ ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t sell yourself short.
You’ve got so much to offer.
And you’re very tall.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
They say “When pigs fly.”
So throw Porky off the bridge
And then you’ll get some.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Let’s get physical
Sang Olivia Newton.
Don’t listen to her!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t get into a
Trivial argument. Play
Trivial Pursuits.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
So many fishes.
Which one deserves mouth-to-mouth?
Reel only ONE in.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Be a social whore.
Parties will lead to booty.
Nights with Netflix won’t.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
There is a reason
Why Clue is a great board game.
Maintain mystery.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Today is the day.
Like a horny toad jumping,
go get your freak on.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Anger Management
is a terrible movie.
But a worthwhile move.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t be so picky.
They even find your toots cute.
Not a bad deal, dude.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Share your moodiness.
Sometimes you feel like a “nut,”
and sometimes you don’t.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
I eat an apple.
Outside it’s red, inside brown.
Next time, banana.

 

2 Responses to “Haiku Horoscopes: 04-09-12”

  1. Jonathan Ball Says:

    Not too bad! I’ve been writing my column “Haiku Horoscopes” for 9 years, so I can with expertise say that these are fairly clever. Although people get mad if you break the syllable count, I find.

  2. emandlo Says:

    Oh how embarrassing! That’s what happens when you try to write poetry over the speed limit. We found two mistakes, which we’ve fixed. Any more?


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