aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Aries, will you lighten up already? It’s the brink of summer, dude! Drink a tall one, veg in the sunshine, drive with the windows open. You know: Go nuts. Because it’s your subtle yet distinct nutty side that is going to attract someone interesting this week.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your involvement in a worthy cause will impress someone this week. And no, a Hunger Games book club or a Downton Abbey viewing party doesn’t count as a cause. It’s time to get involved where it really counts â€” citizen-arrest anyone you see smoking in a New York City bar, help little old ladies across the street, give a penny instead of taking a penny. By the time anyone realizes you’re only in it for the booty, they’ll have already fallen prey to your charms and won’t give a damn about anything except the booty either.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Today’s horoscope is sponsored by the letter “M. ” Mingle and maybe you’ll meet someone who’ll make you feel like a million bucks. Mistrust us, and you’ll end up masturbating with a mitten. Don’t make that mistake.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, as they like to say. (Who the hell is “they,” that’s what we’d like to know. ) Plus, a rolling stone gathers no moss. Oh yeah, and a stitch in time saves nine. More haste, less speed, that’s what we’ve always said. But back to the Rome thing: If you’re looking for a relationship that’s more Roman-Empire and less Lost-City-of-Atlantis, you’ve got to take it slow. Not so much physically (hey, we may have our head in the stars, but we do know a thing or two about a thing or two) as emotionally. If you can avoid the TMI syndrome for the first few weeks, you may have yourself a keeper.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If you’re going to share your soda with one of those people, choose wisely and don’t forget to use a straw, if you know what we mean. (Yes, we’re talking about protection.)
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
What can we say Virgo? It sucks to be you this week. You might as well not even bother getting out of bed, at least not for any dates or romantic outings, because you’re going to be an emotional wreck. It’s like you’re popping Midol, except instead of relieving you of your symptoms it only exacerbates them. So don’t make any big decisions or do any heavy lifting.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Not that you ever wait for our encouragement or permission to do so, but this week we strongly suggest opening your big mouth (and no, not for that purpose, you dirty twin). Speak your mind, and you’re 98.7 percent guaranteed to get the response you’re looking for. (The 1.3 percent margin of error is due to the admittedly low likelihood of a bad hair day.)
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, if you act like the boss then you’ll get the say-so. Don’t be a wussy who’s “just happy to be friends. ” You don’t need any more friends, you need to get laid! So gird your loins, down a shot, and go in for the kill, tiger.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got more choices in potential partners than a pornstar at a volunteer marathon gang bang. But we recommend choosing just one â€” count ‘em, one â€” wisely. It could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Plus, it’s easier on the orifices.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You should be open and receptive to being hit on this week. We know what you’re thinking: “Yeah right, it’s not like I spend every weekend thinking,Â Oh god, I hope that hottie doesn’t ask me for my number/to dance/to dine at Jamie Oliver’s new restaurant.” But perhaps there are ways in which you unintentionally make yourself less open/receptive to advances. We can’t really think of any right now, but maybe you can.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will be full of heady, romantic ideas and ready to do whatever it takes to win over the object of your affection this week (including performing a duet with Times Square’s Naked Cowboy clad only in boots and a ten-gallon hat). According to the stars, your persistence and determination will lead to “a very interesting relationship. ” Which might be a good thing, or might just be. . . interesting.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich) â€” devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills (or sent via online dating sites).