Em & Lo's RSS Feed Em & Lo's Daily Email Feed Be Our Facebook Friend! Follow Us on Twitter!

Good Vibes Summer Lubes

Buy on Amazon Kindle!

Amazon's Sexy Spring Dresses


Top 10 Most Unrealistic Sex Scenes of All Time

Thu, May 24, 2012

Movies, Pop Culture

Movies are all about imagination, fantasy, suspension of disbelief — especially when it comes to their sex scenes. But the mind is capable of only so much mental gymnastics before it goes “Nuh uh.” If the sex in question — or any aspect of the movie, really — doesn’t have enough believability, we’re taken out of the experience, much in the same way an unfortunate bodily emission can kill even the most passionate mood. Here are the worst cinematic offenders of all time:

10. Standing up sex in JERRY MAGUIRE (1996)
Ask people to name their favorite Hollywood sex scene and chances are, a standing sex scene will come up. For some reason, two people doing it upright just conveys heat. But how often does anyone actually climax in this position? Well, Tom Cruise and his redheaded, dirty-talking fiance (played by Kelly Preston) certainly do in JERRY MAGUIRE. Bonus points because they have a simultaneous orgasm in this scene, which is pretty much the only kind of orgasm that gets the Hollywood stamp of approval — but is rarer in real-life than a Botox-free face is in L.A.

Runners-up: The standing sex in 8 MILE (Brittany Murphy and Eminem, 2002); LESS THAN ZERO (Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz, 1987), and ATONEMENT (Keira Knightly and James McAvoy, 2007).

9. On the staircase in THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1999)
What do movies have against beds? In the alternate reality on-screen, it’s not only possible but actually orgasmic to do it in awkward positions on hard, unforgiving surfaces like a piano (PRETTY WOMAN, 1990), a subway car (RISKY BUSINESS, 1983), a kitchen table (THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, 1981) and, in the prize-winning scene from THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR: on a cold, marble staircase.

For bonus points, THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR also features sex on a marble floor and sex on a wooden desk piled high with books.

8. The bathroom quickie in UNFAITHFUL (2002)
How many women do you know who can have a zero-to-sixty quickie orgasm without the aid of a Hitachi Magic Wand? And how many women do you know who can pull this off in a cramped public bathroom stall in a New York City restaurant?

Sure, we get that it’s a turn-on to do it in semi-public while a bunch of ladies-who-lunch are waiting for you to join them, but we’re just not buying her insta-orgasm over a toilet. The UNFAITHFUL scene, starring Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez, gets bonus points because they’re standing up (see #1).

Runner-up: Timothy Olyphan’s quickie sex against the bathroom sink with a female party guest (he rams away for a few thrusts and she climaxes) in CATCH AND RELEASE (2006).

7. The cheerleader roleplaying scene in A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (2005)
Only professional actors — in this case, Maria Bello and Viggo Mortensen — could maintain the kind of straight face and suspension of disbelief required to make this scene so hot. And we admit it: it’s freakin’ hot. (So sue us, we don’t always need our movie sex scenes to be realistic.) But the chances of two normal, mortal, middle-aged beings pulling off a 69 while one of them is dressed in her high school cheerleading outfit? Slim to none.

Runner up: Jennifer Lopez and George Clooney in OUT OF SIGHT (1998), pretending that he’s not a thief and she’s not a federal marshal so they can do it. (Because in real life, most of us are pretending to be the thief or the federal marshal… or we’re pretending to be Clooney and Lopez.)

6. Britney Spears loses her virginity in CROSSROADS (2002)
It’s simultaneously sweet and hilarious: Spears’ character and her boyf do that classic, only-in-Hollywood, orgasmic hand thing: the camera focuses on both of their hands reaching out and coming together in a metaphor for (we assume) simultaneous orgasm and/or a melding of souls. On your first time? We wouldn’t put money on it. Plus, Britney Spears as a virgin? Please.

Runner-up: Liv Tyler loses her virginity to her hottie Italian summer fling in STEALING BEAUTY (1996). Bonus points because they do it on a picnic blanket under a tree and no one gets poison ivy or mosquito bites on their butt.

Read the rest of the list on SUNfiltered

, ,

 

4 Responses to “Top 10 Most Unrealistic Sex Scenes of All Time”

  1. figleaf Says:

    Stairs? What’s wrong with sex on stairs?

    I mean, yeah, cold marble ones maybe not. And those corrugated New York tenement kind of fire escape stairs definitely not. But… ok, I see your point about movie stairs. But I’ve, um, ended up on several of the kind of flights of stairs you probably aren’t going to see in movies. Anyway, the kind of heavily carpeted, pretty steep stairs up to attic and loft bedrooms you find in converted student housing might not be great for cameras and lights, but… wow, they can be wonderful places to have all kinds of serious but non-somber sex! (Hmm… come to think of it, you don’t often see non-somber sex in movies either. It’s always some mashup of going to church and ransacking a room.)

    figleaf

  2. Nikki Says:

    @Figleaf – agreed, however, carpeted stairs pose their own hazard. I have a scar on my back from stair-sex induced carpet burn. You know how you don’t feel those things when they’re happening.

  3. elle Says:

    whats with the “slut” shame regarding Britteny spears? thought this was a female positive and sex positive site.

  4. emandlo Says:

    Elle, no slut-shaming intended here! What we’re making fun of is the fact that she lied about her virginity (and lied pretty inexpertly) and attempted to use her virginity as a marketing gimmick long after she’d had sex.


Leave a Reply