aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re one of those incredibly successful multi-taskers who has a full-time job, writes at least one novel a year (several of which are available on Amazon), volunteers at the old folks’ home, occasionally retreats to the woods for spiritual enlightenment and a landscape oil painting class, and never has to wipe their ass more than three times. This week, not only will you cure some disease, but in your “spare time” you’ll meet someone with real potential. We’re trying real hard to be happy for you.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Scientists have proven that for every hundred instances of casual sex, the “casual” aspect is actually mutual only once or twice. The odds are against you, and this week, they finally catch up to you. Unless you catch this horoscope in the nick of time (say, before Wednesday) and have the presence of mind to take a cold shower and ward off an unwelcome hopelessly devotee at the pass.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your quick response to others and your opportunistic approach to life will attract just the type of partner you want this week. It’s kind of like high school all over again, but not so much fun. You’ll make fun of the kid with the limp and everyone will just roar with laughter, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll break out your impression of the retarded guy who works at the deli and everyone will think you’re sooooo funny, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll poke fun at our outfits in a dry, almost self-deprecating manner and they’ll be talking for years about your sophisticated wit, and how everyone knew at just that moment that you and the hottie in the corner were meant for each other. Don’t bother inviting us to the wedding.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re unsure about love,
So don’t be a big fat stupid head by leading someone on.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will find it difficult to hide your true feelings. You’ll be passionate, warm, and affectionate in your gestures, and this will incur “interesting” responses. Especially if all this “warmth” and “affection” is being displayed on a second date. And you’re a chick. And your date is a dude. Don’t make any sudden moves unless you’re prepared to see a grown man squeal like a little piggie on the way to market.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. Don’t be a big fat loser this week.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is a good week to interact with your luvva (as opposed to all those weeks when it’s best to ignore them and take them for granted). Get out, pleasure seek, romance the stone — together. You know, go check into a cheap motel on the interstate for a couple of hours some night this week.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
With the constant ebb and flow of the tide, the shoreline is ever-changing. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Deal with it.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We hope it doesn’t rain too much in your hometown this week, ’cause you’re only going to get lucky outdoors.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you’re looking for someone who is dedicated, loyal, and ready for a relationship, you should attend some of the worthy activities going on in your local community. Hell, even a book-signing will do, as long as it’s not the¬†Heaven Is For Real¬†book. But if you’re looking for someone who is conniving, backstabbing, and emotionally unavailable, then take your pick from any of the losers hanging out at your local bar.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Do that extra body shot, be the first on the dance floor, be the last to go home, let your hair down, and your pants, too, should the mood strike ‚ÄĒ public impersonations of the psycho in¬†Silence of the Lambs¬†are making a comeback.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, be the bottom.