aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Wow, you really carry around a lot of guilt, huh? It’s okay, you can take the cookie, it’s yours. Have another! What the hell, eat the whole pack, there’s plenty more where they came from. (Idiots’ guide: Cookie = piece o’ ass. ) This is your free advance-to-booty pass, good for one week only. But remember, if you make a habit of this kind of gluttonous behavior, you will pay. And who wants a flabby soul?
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t use the word “love” unless you mean it. Even if you think you mean it right now, you probably don’t.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You say it’s your birthday. It’s Em’s birthday too, yeah. We’re all gonna have a good time. We would like you to dance. Take a cha-cha-cha-chance. Okay, you don’t have to dance.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Beware of the green-eyed monster: it’s hiding under your bed, just waiting to ruin your sex life this week.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t be so hard on someone who is trying to attract your attention. That mild social awkwardness and funny twitchy thing they’re doing with their eye isn’t a permanent state of affairs but simply a series of nervous tics induced by your utter coolness. Would it hurt you to give them the time of day? A word or two of kindness and you might see all that nervousness dissipate, and then you might even realize that without the lazy eye and the nervous throat noises, they’re kinda hot.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Birds are singing, the sun is shining. Everything’s coming up roses. Love is in the air. Happy days are here again. So don’t fuck things up with your big mouth.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Oh, Libra. Dear, dear Libra. It’s people like you and weeks like this that made the Beatles write that damn song, “Can’t Buy Me Love.”
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Stand up and be counted and you will appeal to lots of potential partners who are in the crowd. Your strength to speak out for what you believe in will prompt someone to ask you out. Of course, if you’re only going to espouse Rick Santorum’s party line, then we recommend sitting your ass down and shutting your pie hole for the sake of your sex life.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Lo’s high school “sex” ed teacher was quite a meanie with no sense of humor and an iron fist. Her face was screwed up tight in a way that suggested years of sexual frustration. Not surprisingly, no sage sex advice was ever offered. However, she did say one good thing about relationships: “You shouldn’t marry someone for their potential.” That’s the only kernel of goodness that ever came out of that lady (though what it has to do with sexual education, we’ll never know). If she were here today, she’d say the same thing about you and dating.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We know you’re hungry for a little somethin-somethin, but the only thing you’re gonna be fed this week is lines. Don’t bite. At least, not until you’ve taken your Pepcid AC, specially formulated for the love sick.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Persistence is a tricky thing. Sometimes it can set you apart from the pack, express your drive and passion, and land you your dream (blow) job. Other times, it can make you seem annoying and desperate. This week, on you, it’ll seem desperate and annoying. Sorry.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Got any overly cautious friends in the house? If so, this might be a good week to seek advice from them on how not to rush into things with a certain someone. Perhaps their instinct to be practical and careful, to always take things slowly, will rub off on you. And that’s the only thing that should be rubbing off on you this week: Keep all zippers zipped, all flies flying high, all underwear on, and all trays in their upright and locked positions. If you can’t stand the heat, then go rub one out in the kitchen. Just remember to close the blinds first.