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Confession: I’m a BDSM Beginner

Thu, Jun 28, 2012

Confessions, Personal Post

Lelo’s “Etherea” Silk Cuffs

A female friend of ours, a recent college grad who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make:

I think I might be kinky.

I know, I know: These days, who isn’t? With Fifty Shades of Grey refusing to budge from the bestseller list and Rihanna singing about how chains and whips excite her, it’s practically de rigueur to own a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. But I know for me, this isn’t some trendy game I’ll play with a pink blindfold and a couple of scarves (though if those are your thing, more power to you!). I’m talking about real domination and submission, real pain.

I’ve always liked playing around with control in the bedroom. One boyfriend I had would pretend to be a bandit or a pirate and I would be the pretty maiden waiting to be ravished. Another would pin me down, yank my hair, bite harder than usual. (Unfortunately, most guys couldn’t seem to understand that I actually wanted something that hurt and left a mark, not just a delicate, ticklish nip on the neck like some Twilight fantasy.)

But while I enjoyed doing these things, something always felt a little tame. It seemed too easy to be the princess, too boring to be the delicate flower, all please-sir-may-I-have-some-more?

I started watching BDSM porn, beginning with the typical guy dominating a girl. It was fine, the way any porn is fine when you want to watch some. But then I found a link to the femdom aspect of this particular website, and: JACKPOT! Fireworks went off in my underwear! The images of men in submission, begging for a touch, were so much hotter to me than women doing the same. And when the man begged to have an orgasm? When he was denied? That was (and is) the best of all, to me. It’s usually a given that a guy is going to climax when you’re having sex, right? At least, it was a surefire (pun intended) thing for my partners, and not always so for me. Femdom changed all the rules.

I’ve tried to figure out why I’m into femdom. Did I once stand up to the bully in pre-school? Do I want to find my powerful voice, one that doesn’t come naturally to my reserved public persona? All I know is what I want: I want a man to trust me enough to let me do whatever I want to him. I want him to want me to do that. And I totally want to ruin his orgasm.

My one big problem now? Finding someone to top.

I’ve never actually fucked anyone this way. I’ve never told anyone about these desires and I’m not sure how to bring them up. I know there are websites for people like me, who want to find a “slave,” but I don’t buy into the whole leather-boots, lotsa-lipstick look that screams “Dominatrix right here!” Nor do I want this to be an entire “lifestyle,” one in which my boyfriend, after a satisfying round of power play, does my dishes and folds my laundry while on all fours. (Then again….)

No, I think I’d rather fly under the radar, and work my ways on some strong man who’s never really given bedroom submission a thought before. I guess I’ll have to start slow and ease him into it with those silly fur cuffs, so eventually he’ll go for real rope. Maybe I’ll even make him think it’s all his idea…

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5 Responses to “Confession: I’m a BDSM Beginner”

  1. f Says:

    The confessed might find lots of interesing posts on Clarisse Thorn’s website, I believe.

  2. jim Says:

    she’s a keeper

  3. Lila Says:

    I love this post! That was MY life a few years ago. While I found My kink differently than you, I am still a professional woman with an education and a life. I just needed to figure out how to get the BIG WHAMMY… I want to tell you two things. 1) I found it and it is AWESOME! My sweet pet lets me be MYSELF, kinky, loving, rough,sweet, bitchy, tender and he loves it all! 2) It IS possible to have a relationship that is kinky and filthy as hell, and “normal” loving, working, having lives and appearing to be entirely vanilla! If you saw us on the street, you would not see anything other than two professional people holding hands. The families do not know, the friends do not know (ok the friends in kink know, but that’s another story!), and we just have a great life! It is possible, I am living and loving it now!

  4. Tomio Black Says:

    BDSM without informed consent is not BDSM, it is just manipulation. There are TONS of guys who want to be dominated…why not be open and honest about what you want with one of them? Why risk hurt feelings and insecurities when a honest and open discussion of what you want would weed out those who are not interested in what you want?

    If you want to dominate someone; then why begin by pretending that you don’t? I honestly don’t get it.

  5. Andy Cifford Says:

    First and foremost, ensure that all parties are fully aware of a safe word that can be used by any participating person to bring an instant halt to play. This allows you to enter into your BDSM play safe in the knowledge things will never get out of hand.


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