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Wise Guys: How Do Men Feel About Their Girlfriends Kissing Other Women?

Tue, Jun 19, 2012

Advice, Wise Guys

photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com‚Äôs¬†guy friends. This week they answer the following:¬†‚ÄúWould a guy feel cheated on if his girlfriend made out with another girl, or is that somehow different territory?‚Ä̬†To ask the guys your own question,¬†click here.

wiseguy_benStraight Married Guy (Ben):¬†I think it all depends on the spirit of the make out and whatever agreements you and your gf have and whatever her actual orientation is. If you’re gf is mostly straight, gets drunk or high one night and kisses some girls, I’d call that hot, not cheating. But if it’s sober, planned and behind the back, there’s probably something deeper going on. My wife is very bisexual — she’s dated and been in love with women in the past. But we also have a fairly loose definition of monogamy. For us, if either one of us broke our agreements with either women or men, then, yes, definitely trouble.

Gay Single Guy (Justin Huang): It’s funny. Straight boys have such a visceral, extreme reaction to their girlfriends taking dips into the lady pool. For half of them, seeing their girlfriend make out with another chick would be boner nirvana. But for the other half, it’s just as bad if she were kissing a guy.¬†This usually has nothing to do with insecurity or doubts about his manhood, by the way. I think it’s largely cultural, and by the time a guy is your boyfriend, you should have a good gauge about his comfort level about any of your potential Girls Gone Wild moments.

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (Max):¬†I’m guessing that most guys, confronted with their lady making out with another lady, would be more than ok with it. The classic bro stereotype of loving lesbian action, regardless of how you feel about it, touches on one very important truth: heterosexual men don’t like to watch other men kissing. We even look away when James Bond kisses his sexy babes. Call it homophobia if you like, but ¬†it’s just a fact of male heterosexuality: we honestly don’t get what women see in us that they find attractive. So while kissing is great when you’re involved, but watching other dudes kiss? It just doesn’t make for very good entertainment.¬†But a pretty girl kissing another pretty girl? We’ve been conditioned to love it.¬†The main problem is figuring out how to remain calm and not spoil the moment.

Now consider something more extreme: what would that same bro do if he walked in on his girl naked with another girl and a dildo? This might make some guys uncomfortable, regardless of the obvious double standard. The bottom line is that yes, this is a different territory, and it is a very gray territory indeed. I think that it will rarely be treated the same as heterosexual cheating, but there’s no question that actual sex with someone other than your partner will create some discomfort if not discussed beforehand. So talk about it first before everyone gets in trouble. There’s too much potential for fun there!

Our ‚Äúwise guys‚ÄĚ are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is Justin Huang, an LA-based freelance film editor, producer, certified personal trainer and the voice of IAmYellowPeril.com; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New York City. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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10 Responses to “Wise Guys: How Do Men Feel About Their Girlfriends Kissing Other Women?”

  1. Johnny Says:

    BOI-OI-OING! Girls kissing girls is awesome.

  2. natasiarose Says:

    Ugh. I wish straight women would just stop using lesbianism to turn on men and that men would stop putting up with it and call it what it is, cheating.

  3. figleaf Says:

    Hats off to Justin Huang. Nicely answered!

    I couldn’t have said it better myself. In fact, I couldn’t have said it nearly as well! :-)

    figleaf

  4. michael Says:

    From childhood we are conditioned to this reaction we have regarding same sext intimacy. Girls run around the playground holding hands and hugging. Boys face a very different environment to which this is unacceptable. Our notion of what is inappropriate behavior is formulated by this ongoing stigma that is attached to males showing intimacy. Males learn to abhor the idea of it yethave no problem with female on female intimacy. It has become a self pepretuating meme or belief. Heck, even straight pornography almost always contains girl on girl sex. It never has man on man. In our hypersexual society girl on girl doesn’t mean homosexuality at all.
    So this really comes down to a control issue. If the man feels he has some control and benefits from the act, no problem. If the control starts to slip away,problem.
    Its no longer about sexton at that point.
    In my opinion if you have no issue with your girl kissing another girl because its only sex play then what’s the difference if its girl or guy? You either trust or don’t. It either means nothing or it means something. If you say, yeah but that doesn’t turn me on….then its about control.

  5. Bryan Sebeck Says:

    There is a very high likelihood that this is not cheating.

    Cheating in a relationship isn’t just “we were dating and she made out with somebody else”. It’s far from that simple. Cheating is breaking the agreed upon ground rules in the relationship. This could mean no making out with other people, but it could also mean that sex with other people is ok, so long as the primary partner buys off on it. So, if a guy is dating a woman who ends up making out with another woman to turn him on, guess what? He’s getting turned on. That’s a pretty good indicator that he’s ok with it, even if it wasn’t expressly agreed to before hand.

    To me, this question is based upon the assumption that the couple are in a completely monogamous relationship between a straight guy and a straight woman. Yes, this may be the social norm, but it’s not always the case. Don’t get me wrong. I understand the value of painting with a broad brush, but only when it’s appropriate. Let’s not forget that there are bi women out there (and studies show that women are significantly more likely to be bi than men) who are in monogamish relationships with men that allows them to be with other women occasionally. Or, it could even be a woman who’s 98% straight, but just likes some pussy once in a while and gets rounded up. It’s really no different than straight identified men who are 98% straight, but round up to straight.

    I don’t know. On the one hand I understand where the question’s coming from, but on the other hand I’m kind of baffled that we live in a society where this type of a question is an actual and legitimate concern.

    Plus, this

  6. Irene Says:

    I would actually be quite upset if my husband DIDN’T see it as morally the same thing as kissing a guy — whatever that happened to mean in the context of our particular relationship. (We’re in fact monogamous, so it would be cheating, but if we had different ground rules, well, that would be different, as others have said.) I think a double standard in that respect would be a seriously bad sign. (Of course, the worst sign of all would be if he thought my kissing a woman was much worse than kissing a man.)

  7. Nolan Says:

    It appears that Michael and Bryan are a little closer to the target than some of the contributing authors. It is absolutely about the rules of which a relationship is established.
    Often, here in America and many other patriarchal societies, right wrong and cheating are define by what pleases a heterosexual male. Most men will love it when their woman is turning them on, but as soon as they are not involved the act is unthinkable.
    Men have to get off of their high horse. As a bisexual male, who has taken the time to sort out his own emotions apart from the standard method of judgment in this country, I believe it not to be cheating. Just think about it: man sleeps with lots of woman vs. woman sleeps with lot of men. In this country each would be referred to differently, player vs. whore.
    When my girlfriend is with another girl I only have to remember that the feeling of jealousy is natural and I have to take the time to know why I am jealous. Just because you are jealous dosen’t mean a thing. jealousy is usually always created by insecurity. (The great thing about jealousy is that it is usually an indicator that you care about someone, too).

    Really the bottom line that all heterosexual and homosexual people alike need to realize is that males and females are completely different. Being with one is not like being with the other. When you are a bisexual force of nature it is hard to deny the urge of either. Really, you need a dose of each to stay sane and not let pent up frustration ruin your relationship.

  8. Johnny Says:

    ^ I don’t know if I buy into the whole “player vs. whore double standard” school of thought, which supposes that being a promiscuous male makes everyone think you’re awesome and being a promiscuous female gets you ostracized and shunned.

    If “players” are held up as some kind of ideal, it’s because every guy wishes he could be one (don’t even lie, fellas. Every guy wants sexual choice). But most non-players – despite raging player-envy – are also player haters. As are most women. Find me a player, and I’ll find you ten haters of both genders. When you’re a sexually successful male, people talk shit behind your back, gossip about your private business, jump to conclusions about what kind of person you are, question your morals, doubt your integrity, etc. Guys hate you for it despite wishing the same for themselves. Women hate you for it despite being completely excited by it.

    It’s the exact same thing with “whores”. Sexually provocative women attract a lot of attention, and therefore a lot of envy. Guys hate “whores” who don’t pick them (funny how a woman can get called a whore for NOT hooking up with you). Women hate “whores” who get picked over them.

    The fact is that players and “whores” are just people who possess the faculties to achieve what most people desire, and petty resentment is one of the most natural human ego-defenses against the success of others.

  9. oscar Says:

    is too bad when a girl kiss a girl i need a girl that will make me happy and her number

  10. phil Says:

    I figure..if I do the best I can…I can be a good man for a good woman. I cannot be a good woman. Judging from these comments, I guess I am in the minority, but if a woman wants to play with another woman…stay the hell away from me. I do not have 2 seconds to give to a woman with “ambiguous” sexuality.


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