Your Call: Why Won’t My Boyfriend Sleep with Me?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I am writing for a few reasons, and hoping to get some straight advice. First, I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. I’m 23 and he’s 29. It was kind of a crazy situation, but he swept me off my feet and we lived together pretty immediately. I was head over heels with him when we met and those first few months of sex were amazing.

Now, we have settled into that old married couple state, where there is little excitement and lots of routine (you know, where you do nothing fun anymore and have tv shows you watch on certain days of the week).

Here is the problem. Where we used to have amazing, spontaneous sex several times a week, now it has dwindled to once a month, if that, and currently a record of six weeks with ZERO sex. Not even a hint or suggestion of it on his end. He says I bring it up too much, and while I do try to initiate it a few times a week, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the man I love to want to make love to me! But he continues to reject me with excuses or just a flat out “no.”

I don’t understand what could make a guy suddenly have no interest in sex! I have researched it and talked it out and fought with him about it so many times, I am at a loss. I have tried it all; even sex games and naughty lingerie have no effect!

We both work and are stressed out at times, but we usually have plenty of time together in the evenings and weekends, when it would be a perfect time to get it on! I love sex, and I love sex with my boyfriend, but this is causing such a strain on us, I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I am tempted to cheat on him with a former lover just to be able to get off without using one of my growing collection of sex toys!

Help me out! What should I do??

— Six Week Drought


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24 Comments on "Your Call: Why Won’t My Boyfriend Sleep with Me?"


Jenni
2 years 4 months ago

Dear Steve from Sept 18th,

I really feel for your situation! I would give anything to find a man like u! I recently left a relationship of 13 yrs. I still loved him very much the day I left him and to this day has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do! I just couldn’t stay with someone that doesn’t love me, u see I did everything for this man, and when I say everything I mean everything! When he was in the shower I got his clothes ironed and had his towel and outfit ready for him when he got out. (To this day he doesn’t no how to dress himself!)Anytime he asked for a BJ I gave him one, I let him hang out with his friends any time he wanted, I cooked, I cleaned, I was there for him always! You would think that he would at least have sex with me when I wanted it, but not 1 time in the 13 years did he ever have sex with me when I initiated it! He would not do oral on me but I always did it for him! He would brag to his friends about what an awesome woman I was and how he was so lucky to have me but he treated me like shit! My friends used to always tell me I could do so much better he didn’t deserve me. I am beautiful w a nice body and just a good person in general I am very kind and considerate towards others. He was very controlling and verbally abusive, and if I wanted to have sex to bad I had to wait till he wanted it, and if I asked for it he would make me wait for a couple of weeks. Just 1 more way to abuse me! He was very controlling and that was 1 of his ways of showing me he was in control! So what i’m trying to tell u is u deserve better she doesn’t deserve u! There r way too many women out there to be stuck in a loveless marriage! It took a minute but I am much happier now that he is gone, even with raising our children on my own cause he wont pay child support or even spend time with them! my youngest son hates him and refuses to even see him! Because of how he treats me! He has plenty of money we have nothing and sometimes cant even pay our rent! I would rather be poor than be with him! someday I will met a man who will treat me right till then I will be happier on my own!

David B
2 years 4 months ago

I am 76 , registering 0 testerone , but I still wan’t sex and plenty of it . I do not think it is normal for a man not to want it at least once a week or more . Living together is not a really good idea on a longterm basis . It could be that your boyfriend is tired of your relationship .
You should talk about it openly with him , see a sex therapist of arrange to leave him .

MPA
2 years 4 months ago

Your Man won’t sleep with you because you stink in bed and/or you aren’t appealing. Or maybe you only want sex when you want it, not when he does so he is masturbating the rest of the time?

Have a nice day.

2 years 4 months ago

She also told me later that she loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. She is the one who suggested that we separate. I told her that would end in a divorce, since I wasn’t going to live like a room mate with a woman who did not want to have sex, unless we agreed that was the way we wanted it.

2 years 4 months ago

I have been married for almost 30 1/2 years. When my wife and I married, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. 27 years in she tells me she was molested by a family member, had a flashback during sex and no longer desired sex. I didn’t make an issue of it because I had a stressful job and untreated depression, so I had very little desire. Within the past two years things started to get better, my depression was treated and I changed jobs. My libido returned, so I asked for sex. She refused and told me go find some elsewhere. After being told this more than once, I asked if she was serious. She said she was. I found a younger, hot, beautiful girlfriend online who wants to give me what I was missing. We are separated, I will begin divorce proceedings one day after the separation becomes final. I plan to live with my girlfriend for a while, then ask her to marry me.