aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s probably best to avoid slipping some Spanish Fly into your partner’s cocktail, attempting stealth hypnosis, or tying them to your bedpost in the middle of the night while they’re in dreamland. Ambushing: never a good idea. Instead, try honest communication to get what you want this week — you’ll feel better about yourself in the morning and avoid incarceration altogether.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It may have worked for Danny Zuko and Sandy, but we suggest you stay away from any kind of song-and-dance routine this week. We know, sometimes it seems like no one can better express what you’re feeling than Elton John (“It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside . . . “) — but now is the time to be yourself, use your own words, and avoid being extravagant or out of the ordinary simply to impress someone. Of course, if you can convince us that tap-dancing to “Call Me Maybe” is the move that works for you, then by all means . . .
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
As Salt-N-Pepa once said, Push it. Push it real good. No matter what those wussy Aries say.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If, at any point during the next week, you feel compelled to exclaim any of the following, do it — and stick by your word:
It’s time to fish or cut bait, Honey.
Shape up or ship out, Snookums.
If you can’t take the heat, Poopypie, get out of my kitchen.
Either shit or get off the pot (pardon my French, Fuckface).
Note: terms of endearment are optional.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We see hot sex in your near future. Enjoy it, would ya?
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you insist that your partner go see “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone with good taste in movies. Or if you pressure your lover to open their backdoor before you agree to meet their ‘rents, that lover may open said backdoor all over your closet of expensive shoes before leaving your sorry ass and going back home for a nice family visit. This week, make especially sure that your actions will result in desirable equal and opposite reactions.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The bad news is that Monday’s going to suck. But Tuesday will suck a little less. Ditto Wednesday. In fact, your week will steadily improve all the way through to Sunday, by which point we expect you to be having wake-up-the-neighbors sex with the man/woman/sex toy of your dreams.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Vow to never forcefully push your way into an elevator, a relationship, or a body cavity. Likewise, keep your finger on the “close door” button whenever you’re so inclined.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If someone was giving a test on igniting the flames of desire this week, you’d ace it. You could probably get a doctorate in it. You could become a professor. But why waste your gift in the classroom? Don’t teach, do.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you must take candy from strangers, make sure it’s wrapped.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just pick up the damn phone and ask them out. Yeah, right, like it’s that easy. Well, a friend of ours is currently reading one of those sleazy seduction books, and he swears by this particular tip: Say “hi” to at least seven women a day. Don’t try to talk to them, just say “hi” and move on — on the bus, the sidewalk, whatever. That way (the theory goes), when you do meet someone you want to talk to, it’ll feel more natural. Or maybe people will just start referring to you as Freaky Hi Guy on Main Street. But anyway, practice is the thing we’re talking about. Practice your technique on the Dominos operator or your bank’s customer service rep or the talking clock. The worst they can do is hang up. And maybe you’ll get free breadsticks.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If you’re not with someone who’s got their head in the game (or at least between your thighs), start thinking about trading players.