aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ve got an itch and you’re going to have to scratch it yourself this week.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Nothing can express your horoscope better than the poetry-in-motion that is “Reunited,” as sung by Peaches and Herb:
I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you ’cause I want you bad, hey, hey
Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited ’cause we understood
There’s one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited ’cause we’re reunited, hey, hey
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t date anyone from work. However, picking people up at the grocery store is completely acceptable.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ve overdosed on “where is this relationship going?” talk. Have a break, have a Kit-Kat, have a quickie. Do not discuss how the quickie made you “feel.”
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We’ve always appreciated that scene from “Sex, Lies, and Videotape” where the sister explains to her brother-in-law, with whom she is having an affair, that her sins are not as bad as his: “I never got up in front of a bunch of people and God and promised to be faithful to Anne,” or something like that. Because you know, it’s always “the other woman” (or in some cases, “the other man”) who seems to get all the blame. Still, that’s just bad karma, man. So stay away from your in-laws, or other people’s in-laws.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s major decision time this week, so dig a little deeper than usual. This decision may change the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your summer), so try not to base your choice on fleeting factors like six-packs and six-pack abs. Get a spine and make the grown-up choice, ya big wuss.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You are the greatest lover on the planet. Some suckers will actually believe this.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You always want it right-here-right-now, so you tend to focus on who’s available rather than who’s your ideal partner. Here’s your solution: Next time you’re tempted to go on a date/go home with someone who’ll “do for now,” just say no; instead, go home and masturbate to the fantasy of Mr./Ms. Right.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may feel like you’re out of control on the tilt-a-whirl of love, but really it’s just hormones. Enjoy the ride (and we’re not talking metaphorically, if you know what we mean).
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will make a physical connection with someone who is warm, loving, and sensitive to your needs this week. And you know what that spells, right? Give us an OHHHHHHHHHH…
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You have been letting physical attraction overrule intellectual appeal. What are you, human or something? You don’t have to date anyone who got beat with the ugly stick, but you might want to at least rule out anyone who can’t name our president.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If you’re going to share your soda with a complete stranger, don’t forget to use separate straws, if you know what we mean.