aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t just talk about how nice a tofu dog in the park would be right now; go and get one.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Like New Year’s, the Fourth is one of those holidays where the hype always exceeds the reality. But that doesn’t mean you can take it off this year, sit home and watch the World Poker Tour in your underwear. No, you’ve got to put on a happy face, put on your American-flag pants, suck it up and work the BBQ like the rest of us. At least for you Tauruses there’s a good chance there will be some sexual or romantic pay off. The rest of us just have to make small talk with our weird dentist neighbor.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got a choice this week at the boardwalk: the crisp summer salad with organic veggies or the plate of fried dough with powdered sugar. Go for the salad. Yes, this is a metaphor for your love life.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you’re not sure the water is fine, then don’t go swimming.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re going to attract a very unusual love interest this week, like some mutant-sized mosquito. Don’t automatically spray them away with Off — the itch they give you may be fun to scratch. (Unless it’s an itch caused by an STD, in which case that will definitely put a damper on your midweek holiday.)
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t try to juggle two Independence Day parties — you’ll waste time traveling, miss out on the good hamburger rolls (and get stuck with white bread), and have to come up with excuses on why you can’t stay longer. Pick one party and try not to worry about what you’re missing elsewhere.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Have you been letting your Aries friends rub off on you? Don’t save your sparkler for exactly the perfect moment. Light it already and just enjoy it’s hypnotic glow.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you want something, go and get it. That’s the American way, as American as (sticking your dick in an) apple pie.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t spread yourself too thin like a ratty old knit blanket on the park lawn, otherwise you’ll end up with a wet butt.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be like the Continental Congress this week: be responsive to the needs of your constituents, listen to their frustrations, support their desires and fight for their honor. That course of action may lead to a fruitful, long-term (say 200+ year) relationship.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If partners are like fireworks displays, then don’t rush to declare one as the best and brightest. Take your time and be observant. One will rise above the rest and prove that they’re worthy of your most heartfelt “ooohs” and “aaaahs.”
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to sign your own Declaration of Independence: You are better off being friends with everyone for now until you have a better idea of what you are looking for in a partner.