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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-09-12

Mon, Jul 9, 2012

Horoscopes

photo by SimplySchmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Things you should take a chance on: wearing a bathingsuit in public; eating vegan for a week (it won’t turn you hippie, we promise); telling potential partners that you used to be a folk singer but it made you too sad; posting your resume online; going to see “Magic Mike” (how can Metacritic be wrong?). Things you should definitely not take a chance on this week: taking an eenie-meanie-minie-moe approach to sex; leaving the bathroom door unlocked while you rub one out in the office; waxing your butthole.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Did you know that Americans have sex earlier, more often and with more partners than any other nation? It must be true ’cause we read it on the web. Bunch of horn-dogs, aren’t we? This week, you’re going to have to fight your roots and keep your legs crossed — the potential partners who come your way are not people you should be sleeping with, in our humble, non-expert opinion. Do whatever it takes to stay celibate for a week — adopt a fake British accent, wear a French beret, eat lots of Wienerschnitzel, etc. (And if you’re not American, then stop screwing like one!)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars often advise against secret affairs. Are that many people who read horoscopes really engaging in such unethical, deceitful, dishonest behavior? Apparently so, you dirty dogs. This week, Geminis are the ones in the high risk category for doing things they normally wouldn’t do, because normally they are good, decent, caring people. But this week? Proceed with caution. And consider yourself warned.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Summer warning: Don’t go swimming too soon after you’ve had a feast of the eyes.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
After months of chasing relationships that lasted about as long as a creamcicle in Hell, you’re ready to pursue something a little more permanent. We’re not saying you’ll necessarily attain it, but damn if we don’t admire you for trying. Happy long-term licking!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We tried really hard to think of a movie to illustrate slowing down and playing a little hard to get, but to no avail: it turns out that when you’ve only got two hours to work with, everyone jumps into bed (or at least, into love) in a hurry. So there you have it — there are some love lessons that just can’t be learned from Hollywood.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s time to put all those sex tips you’ve picked up from us ofver the years to work. The chopsticks, the celery, the TENS machine — you know what we’re talking about. If you don’t, well then you better start speed-reading!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
What you see and what you get is not one in the same. Refrain from making promises or moving too fast. If you give it time, the person who interests you will show his or her true colors — and chartreuse just doens’t go with your skin tone.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“Standin’ on your Mama’s porch / You told me that you’d wait forever / Oh and when you held my hand / I knew that it was now or never / Those were the best days of my life / Back in the summer of ’69. ” Someone from your past is likely to reappear this week. Don’t forget how you felt back in ’89 (or was it ’99?) — about the good, the bad and the ugly mullet.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
On Monday you’re likely to feel like the ninety-eight-pound weakling who gets sand kicked in his face at the beach. But don’t despair! As the week progresses, pick up your towel and move somewhere else…drive to another beach if you have to. Your love life will only improve — by the weekend, you’ll be pu-umped up and ready to flex your love muscle.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
See Virgo, and then do the exact opposite.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t dip your pen in the company inkwell (or vice versa).

 

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