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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Fortune Cookie Week

Mon, Jul 30, 2012

Horoscopes

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Do not dip your pen in the company inkwell. You’ll only ruin your nice ball point.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Blow not against the hurricane, but gently against nearby earlobes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Ambivalence is God’s way of telling you to keep it in your pants.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
On the sidelines they eat oranges and cheer the players; on the field they score.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
He who never shuts his mouth, eats flies. And he who eats flies has bad breath.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The question of life is “Why?” The answer is “Why not?” You will get it right on the quiz this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It is better to wear out than rust out. . . in bed.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Someone will invite you to a karaoke party. You should go.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
A hot bod clouds one’s vision; dirty-dog sex with a hot bod clouds one’s brain; and unprotected dirty-dog sex with a hot bod clouds one’s genital tract.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Love is like oral sex — just because you give it doesn’t always mean you’ll get it in return.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The first and last love is self-love.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder but procrastination just pisses it off.

 

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