aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s your problem: You’re such a wuss! Here’s your solution: Make the damn call already. You may be pleasantly surprised. And even if you’re not, at least you’ll know you weren’t a wuss for once. Wusses don’t get laid.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You may be in the mood, but whomever you’re with will be looking for a commitment. Be sure you know what you’re doing. Don’t let your heart rule your head, or you may end up in a sticky situation.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you can’t deliver on your promises, there’ll be red faces all around.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you want to dish it, you have to be able to take it: no doing someone up the bum until you’re ready to be done up the bum yourself.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Concentrate on making money rather than on making sweet love. But when you think about it, what’s the difference?
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Back in our younger, more impressionable days, after the two of us would write a particularly stellar edition of our column (if we do say so ourselves), we would get lots of nice letters from you. You would tell us that we’re charming, witty, gorgeous, underpaid, and destined for fame. And then we would hit the town like princesses and not understand why everyone else found our behavior “obnoxious” or “self-indulgent.” But nights like that were growing experiences, and essential for shining stars like us — everyone needs a little grounding sometimes. You’re going to have a few to grow on this week, too.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re a little bit nuts. You’re into table-dancing, sky-diving, and eating cereal for dinner, you rebel you. You’re a little bit rock’n’roll, absolutely no country. So if you choose a partner who’s into Marie Osmond, it’s not really gonna work out.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
That ultimatum you were given recently? They don’t mean it. Serious, they don’t have the balls/labes to back it up. Don’t be forced into a decision too soon just because you’re afraid of losing something good (like great sex or a summer beach house to call your own). Call their bluff and enjoy life without commitment for a few more weeks. Sure, you’ll put a few hearts through the blender in the process, but what do you care? You’re a Scorpio.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Play hard to get. No whining, just do it.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll have trouble getting to second or third base this week, so don’t waste your time. Work on yourself instead.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
All work and no play apparently makes you the sharpest tool in the sex shed this week.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The chance of reuniting with someone from your past or getting together with someone at your work this week is, like, huge. Huge.