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Dear Em & Lo: Will a Big Toy Make My Boyfriend Seem Too Small?

Wed, Sep 19, 2012

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

Elise 2 by Lelo

Dear Em & Lo,

I want to buy a sex toy but I am concerned that the size will affect how I will have sex with my boyfriend. I know that the intimacy of sex will never be replaced, but I would rather not jeopardize the physical satisfaction I get from sex now. I have never been with anyone else. He is on the small side of the world average, and all the products I see seem to be much larger. I currently have one that I made sure was not so much bigger than my boyfriend, and I am looking for one with a different shape. If I get a larger one (which are the majority on the market) will I be more aware of the places that my boyfriend can’t hit when we have sex?Ask EM & LO
Your Own Question!

– Concerned Shopper

Dear Concerned Shopper,

You don’t mention your boyfriend’s feelings or ego at all, so we’re assuming that you’re using these toys in your free time, without him? But just in case you’re using them with your boyfriend, too, here’s a good rule of thumb: If he’s just a bit below average, then he’s probably a tad insecure about that (in fact what guy, even an average-sized one, isn’t a little insecure about his penis sometimes?). So, when bringing toys to bed to use with your boyfriend, always use ones that are the same size as him or smaller. If you go sex toy shopping with him and he picks out the equivalent of a plastic toddler bat, then it’s game on, of course! You gotta love a guy who isn’t intimidated by a monster silicone disco stick. But let him take the lead on this.

As for your own private usage? Whatever floats your boat. It’s not like you live in a world where you have to choose between a vibe and your boyfriend’s penis, so it’s actually to your benefit if one of them can touch places that the other can’t? Why not have the best of both worlds? Sure, there are plenty of things that sex toys can do that boyfriends can’t (intense, steady, unwavering vibrations, to give just one awesome example) — but that’s why it’s fun to have sex with people and toys!

And, like you say, there are a hundred reasons (at least) why a penis attached to a person is better than a toy, so it’s impossible for one to replace the other. A penis-owner can respond to your movements and requests, a penis-owner knows your moods and your preferences, a penis-owner has hands that can rove all over your body during intercourse to all your erogenous zones, and a penis-owner can spoon you when it’s all over.¬†So why choose, really?

However, if you are worried about your body becoming dependent on one particular kind of sensation that only a toy can provide, you can limit your phallic-shaped toy sessions and instead invest in an accessory that mimics your boyfriend’s strengths — perhaps an external vibrator or a more diminutive G-spotter. Practice with those kind of accoutrements alone — and practice without them with your boyfriend! — to train your nerve endings to respond. But remember, your body may just need a very specific kind of stimulation to reach orgasm; it’s admirable to try to condition your body to thoroughly enjoy various methods, but don’t beat yourself up — and don’t even think of denying yourself orgasms! — if after giving it the old college try nothing else seems to work.

If you want to have your cake and eat it, too, we recommend going shopping for a toy with your boyfriend, find one you’re both into, and then you can all go to bed together! We really like LELO’s Sensemotion 2 line of pleasure objects specifically for couples. For example, give the wireless remote control of the Lyla 2 to him and let him have fun driving with just the touch of a button (he can use his other hand to simultaneously touch other buttons of yours, wink wink nudge nudge!).

People for the Ethical Treatment of Penis-Owners,

Em & Lo

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