My Husband Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Hi, I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). I have to say first that I enjoy/love pleasing him, I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay what so ever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I dont understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and layed down while I just layed there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said well gosh you just feel so good! (so pretty much I made him climax fast so I get punished by not climaxing myself) and turned the other way and the snoring started.

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed. I feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. I want to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally, I dont get it: after 8 years I can count the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said this is about you tonight and made me orgasm several times. I kind of feel bad for myself, but then again did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long? I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be. It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home that is afraid to just make me climax! I mean is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do? Let her know in the comments below.

 

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66 Comments on "My Husband Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm"


lonely wife
2 days 14 hours ago

I am in my early 30’s and my husband is in his late 50’s. He has ED and we haven’t had sex for about 2 years now. When we married, he was still into sex and takes Viagra. Now, he still has those pills but doesn’t take them no more and doesn’t have sex with me no more. He knows how I long for his touch and affection. It is just crazy that I have to ask him when we are going to have sex again but he just replies “I don’t know”. When we are on our bed, sometimes, I would rub his penis. I would ask him rub my boobs, vagina and finger me but he refuses. I don’t understand why he is acting like that. It is just so frustrating. I really need and want him. I’m always willing to satisfy him but it seems like he is not interested. I don’t resent him for not having an erection but I wish he would try to satisfy me in some other ways. Am I asking too much that he can’t do it? I just don’t know what to do. I love him. He is a good husband in other aspects but fail sexually.

Rudolf
8 days 3 hours ago

Do not please him. Period.

Your value has been derived from pleasing him, but that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. He needs to feel what you feel, then he may get it.

He doesn’t respect your feelings. You’ve got to make him feel them.

another confused woman
11 days 12 hours ago

I feel like I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We started out as best friends and now we have been dating for about half a year. Things were great at first, he made me happy in so many ways including sexually. He has made me orgasm more than any past boyfriend ( not a huge accomplishment, but still was nice for me). I even told him that at one point and I’m starting to regret it. I feel like since he knows he has done better than the rest, he thinks he doesn’t have to try anymore. Our sex use to be equally benifical. We would kiss and get each other going, then he would get off from the sex and then he would play with my clit to get me off. I do have to admit that I take longer to finish than he does, but I believe that is normal. Back then I use to secretly wish that I could be the one to get off first bc it would happen so much faster since he would still be turned on. However I never wanted to say anything bc I felt lucky enough to get off in the first place. Now he just complains that it takes too long so I started just taking care of myself while he would talk dirty to me. Now he doesn’t even do that. After he is finished he is practically joking around which really turns me off, so then I get frustrated bc I feel like he doesn’t even care at all. I have tried talking about it but then he just starts acting even worse. Saying things like, ” well maybe I should just buy you some sex toys since I’m not good enough”. IT IS SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING. Like I’m trying to talk to him about how I don’t feel satisfied and then I am the one to blame! I hope I’m not the only one to realize that this kind of reaction is completely ass backwards. I could really use some advice on how to better handle the situation.

Thanks,
Another confused woman

layday
26 days 4 hours ago

I am not a psychologist of any sort, but it does make me wonder if your husband watches pornography? When a person watches porn it over time conditions them to only receive, and not give. This may sound unorthodox, but sometimes it is a sign of porn addiction. Sometimes they cannot physically wait because the “foreplay” has been going on in his mind for a while already, maybe even a lot of the sexual fantasies, but they ultimately need that physical stimulation to finish off the mental state of pleasure. Also, pornography tends to, and you may have heard it a million times, objectify women. Over time he may see those women as you, or you as them, without emotional and physical desires for yourself. Even if he understands that intellectually, his brain has taught him it has to reach pleasure for itself, since porn doesn’t ask for the same satisfaction back. Like I said, I am not a psychologist but I did attend a pornography addiction course by a psychologist who works with children addicted to porn. One last thing, if you are using sex toys you are also training yourself to be satisfied without bonding. Your body may eventually want sex without ever reaching emotional satisfaction. I hope it helps, and wife to wife, I wish you the very best!

Jon
11 days 8 hours ago

But every time a woman mentions any issue with her guy the answer will always be that he must be watching porn – if not totally addicted :)

From a guy’s side I’d say look at a couple of things. First why does he watch porn when he should have all he wants at home – there’s probably a reason for that beyond that he’s a pervert/inadequate/has problems/is immature etc. More importantly what sexual frustrations does he have. I’d bet if there was a poll on this site asking men their biggest frustration 80% of guys (at least) would give the same answer.

Em & Lo
22 days 17 hours ago

That’s an interesting thought re: porn addiction training a guy to only receive rather than give. We could definitely see how this could mess with a young guy’s head, if he watches a lot of porn in his formative years (even if he’s not necessarily “addicted”). We’re not so sure we buy the argument about sex toys, though. Does a guy who masturbates furiously train himself to be satisfied without bonding? Those guys seem to want sex just as much, if not more. How about a woman who masturbates with her hands? Why should a sex toy be any different. If anything, it teaches a woman how to orgasm without any outside pressure.

CaspianC
1 month 5 days ago

I was in the same situation. Well, it’s an ongoing issue, but it’s getting better.

For those of you who commented saying that your husband or bf laughs at you or degrades you, your relationship needs drastic changes. For those whose man is causing physical pain or other abuse, if you are married seek serious professional help, if you aren’t married, get out of there now!

But for those, like me, who are in stable loving relationships, but aren’t getting the orgasms you need, is time to look outside the box. Try some of these ideas, and try thinking of some of your own.

My guy didn’t understand how big of an issue it was till I lovingly suggested we keep track. He had no idea he was getting orgasms so much more than me. (Yes, I wanted to scream). Guys aren’t always that observant and have selective memories sometimes. Keep a tally board or calendar in your bedroom. Also make sure he knows how often would be nice for you to climax.

Try making up games. Use his weaknesses. Is he competitive? Use your strengths. Keep it loving and fun. “I bet you can’t manage to kiss and lick every part of my body during sex tonight”, “if you give me an orgasm first, I’ll do the dishes”

Get in the mood first. Watch a romantic movie. Listen to some sexually charged music. Dance alone in the dark. Make him wait and watch while you touch yourself. (He’s not allowed to touch you or himself). Half the time they are on their way to orgasm, we are usually still trying to “get it up” so to speak. Being ready is half the battle.

Practice makes perfect. When you masterbate, try to make the things he already does more sexy. Imagine him as he is. The things you get off to when you are alone will be a help or a hinder when he’s there. For example, now when he complains or criticizes, I think in my mind, “yes, I was naughty. Take my body if you can!” Or some such.

Atmosphere matters to women more. Get silk sheets. Light candles. Put on some sexy lingerie. Make a playlist that turns you on. Be selfish with these little things, after all, you obviously need it more.

Set rules! Make consequences that are light and fun but still motivating. Be firm. Don’t let them get away with breaking the rules. Talk about it.

Also, men lose the romance after they get off. This is natural. So you need to accept that either you get more tough on demanding foreplay, or you don’t get an orgasm. Don’t try to take it out longer after he has ejaculated. Masturbation while he watches helps so much! Do it when he is really horny. The way he will look at you will help you get there faster and easier.

I hope this helps. :) good luck!