My Husband Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Hi, I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). I have to say first that I enjoy/love pleasing him, I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay what so ever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I dont understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and layed down while I just layed there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said well gosh you just feel so good! (so pretty much I made him climax fast so I get punished by not climaxing myself) and turned the other way and the snoring started.

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed. I feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. I want to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally, I dont get it: after 8 years I can count the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said this is about you tonight and made me orgasm several times. I kind of feel bad for myself, but then again did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long? I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be. It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home that is afraid to just make me climax! I mean is it really that hard?

— Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do? Let her know in the comments below.




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58 Comments on "My Husband Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm"

4 days 15 hours ago

I was in the same situation. Well, it’s an ongoing issue, but it’s getting better.

For those of you who commented saying that your husband or bf laughs at you or degrades you, your relationship needs drastic changes. For those whose man is causing physical pain or other abuse, if you are married seek serious professional help, if you aren’t married, get out of there now!

But for those, like me, who are in stable loving relationships, but aren’t getting the orgasms you need, is time to look outside the box. Try some of these ideas, and try thinking of some of your own.

My guy didn’t understand how big of an issue it was till I lovingly suggested we keep track. He had no idea he was getting orgasms so much more than me. (Yes, I wanted to scream). Guys aren’t always that observant and have selective memories sometimes. Keep a tally board or calendar in your bedroom. Also make sure he knows how often would be nice for you to climax.

Try making up games. Use his weaknesses. Is he competitive? Use your strengths. Keep it loving and fun. “I bet you can’t manage to kiss and lick every part of my body during sex tonight”, “if you give me an orgasm first, I’ll do the dishes”

Get in the mood first. Watch a romantic movie. Listen to some sexually charged music. Dance alone in the dark. Make him wait and watch while you touch yourself. (He’s not allowed to touch you or himself). Half the time they are on their way to orgasm, we are usually still trying to “get it up” so to speak. Being ready is half the battle.

Practice makes perfect. When you masterbate, try to make the things he already does more sexy. Imagine him as he is. The things you get off to when you are alone will be a help or a hinder when he’s there. For example, now when he complains or criticizes, I think in my mind, “yes, I was naughty. Take my body if you can!” Or some such.

Atmosphere matters to women more. Get silk sheets. Light candles. Put on some sexy lingerie. Make a playlist that turns you on. Be selfish with these little things, after all, you obviously need it more.

Set rules! Make consequences that are light and fun but still motivating. Be firm. Don’t let them get away with breaking the rules. Talk about it.

Also, men lose the romance after they get off. This is natural. So you need to accept that either you get more tough on demanding foreplay, or you don’t get an orgasm. Don’t try to take it out longer after he has ejaculated. Masturbation while he watches helps so much! Do it when he is really horny. The way he will look at you will help you get there faster and easier.

I hope this helps. :) good luck!

13 days 17 hours ago

My Fiance is the same way. We have been together for 2 years the sex used to be amazing now it’s still good as long as I start the sex, that way I am turned on. Tonight I pleased myself twice while he played his games because he denied me sex and so I pleased my self. Just 5 minutes after I was done he wanted me to blow him. I have no issue with it besides the fact that I don’t get it back. I did as he aaked then he turned me over and just put himself in. I started crying before he turned me over completely. I bit the pillow and screamed in pain. I hadn’t been any bit turned on or prepared down there. So it hurt and I knew it would I didn’t want to fight him because the last time i did it was worse. I stayed on my side and cried he just rolled over and went to sleep. He won’t kiss me, or any part of me. He use to turn me on and make me feel good. Now all he will do is put his spit on me for lube. The last time I was turned on by him he thought my water broke, I didn’t tell him, but it wasn’t my water I was just truly turned on. Sadly he finished and that was it I got up to go pee and set on the toilet crying. He says its to hard to give me an orgasm it’s to much work.
He makes it out to be my fault for not being easy enough, when really if he tried it wouldn’t be hard. I told him all I need is kisses on my neck and chest that will get me started and comfy. But all he does is try rubbing my clit or slapping it with his penis which it doesn’t r feel good. He won’t even finger me. It hurts that he can’t spend the extra kisses he would rather technically rhape me and put me in pain for a few days. I use to try so hard every day I’d fix myself up and wear sexy underwear, but all I would get was why are you wearing makeup, you didn’t go anywhere. Then he would proceed to get on his games and complain about something i didn’t do right that day. I just don’t understand what happened.

13 days 8 hours ago

Annaec, I think the only good news in your post is that this guy is your fiancé and not your husband. Get out now while you still can! Or, if you insist on going forward and marrying him, then he needs to seriously change his attitude. Perhaps you could see a couples’ counselor together? Because this is not sustainable. If you’re miserable now (and you sound miserable), a wedding ring is certainly not going to change that.

13 days 6 hours ago

I’m going to say skip the couples’ counseling and run for the hills. This is terrible behavior, and is no one you want to be married to.

8 months 6 days ago

Big auto corrected from BJ. He goes limp stimulating me, and instead of getting me off, asks for a BJ so he xan get hard and then finish. And then the sad cycle of apologising and me trying to not deflate his ego…

just have to do it myself
8 months 6 days ago

How do you finish yourself? When my husband does this to me i am so frustrated i can’t finish myself. I get so angry i really have to control myself to not yell at him.

Then he apologizes and says he wishes he could do better but he never takes the steps to try to make it better. Its like he assumes any day now i am magically going to enjoy the 3 minutes of getting pumped so much that eventually that is all i need to orgasm.

When i tell him “you need to get me off orally first” then i get a few minutes of him pleasuring me, followed by him going limp and needing a big so he can get hard again and pump me for 3 minutes.

Then he wonders why i have lost interest?

8 months 8 days ago

Going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 6 years. Our sex life has been fabulous and satisfying but for the last 2 month…. since I’ve moved into his home. All he wants is oral sex. I will oblige thinking I too will be satisfied by oral or other. However lately he will reach orgasm and then he rolls over soon to be snoring. Knowing he is sound asleep I head to the shower with my vibrator… im getting sick and tried of the plastic and not having his touch. No children involved and I need to feel a man’s desire for me. I read the previous comments and taking my options in.