aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If we wanted to tell you to “strut your stuff” without sounding like your parents, how would we do it? (Does anyone actually have “stuff” to “strut” anymore? ) Anyway, we don’t suggest you attempt an actual strut (John Travolta was the last person to pull one off, and even that’s debatable), but a gentle stroll can’t hurt.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week’s advice is very hard for us to dish out. It goes against everything we believe in, and it gets at the very core of what is wrong in so many relationships. But it’s only temporary, right? Short-term evil for long-term good? The ends justify the means? We hope you appreciate the gymnastics of self-justification we go through in order to stay in the business of advising you on your future. Anyway, here it is, we’ll say it real fast and pretend it never happened: Playalittlebithardtoget.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Uncertainties will continue to cloud your emotional decisions. Be an observer and you will gain the respect and confidence of someone who interests you. Be a self-centered narcissus who keeps talking just to hear the sound of their own voice and you will gain a one-way ticket to the German town Spaankenzeemunkee.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. Hey, don’t even think about whipping out that black leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If we weren’t such generous, kind, selfless people, we’d say, “Stop polluting the dating pool!” Your charm is raising the barrier so high the rest of us just can’t compete. Fortunately, it makes us happy when you get laid.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re on the verge of a whirlwind romance. Lucky you!
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you insist that your partner go see Hope Springs with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone with good taste in movies. Or if you pressure your lover to open their backdoor before you agree to meet their ‘rents, that lover may open said backdoor all over your closet of expensive shoes before leaving your sorry ass and going back home for a nice family visit. This week, make especially sure that your actions will result in desirable equal and opposite reactions.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up–and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their decaffeinated coffee with regular.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We hope you’ve got your Amber Vision shades at the ready, because this week the stars want you to “take a powerful step into the spotlight and flaunt what you have to offer.” We’re not quite sure how one takes a “powerful step,” but you might want to wear Spandex and stretch first, just in case. The response, the stars tell us, will be “overwhelming.” That’s right, ’cause nobody can resist the power of Amber Vision.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Things you should take a chance on: growing a beard, eating vegetarian; telling potential partners that you used to be a folk singer but it made you too sad; posting your resume online; paying $3.99 to watch Margaret on Amazon. Things you should definitely not take a chance on this week: having sex with someone you barely know (yes, that includes oral); leaving the bathroom door unlocked while you rub one out in the office; waxing your butthole.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Top Chef” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather gimp suit, day in, day out. You may never have described yourself as “kinky” before now, but your latest partner is one of those “Top Chef”-watchers (we mean that in the nicest way). You are Kink Master. Your partner likes being Kink Student. Make them earn some extra credit this week.